Lois Lane Vs. Blog

Merriam's-Webster's 2004 Word Of The Year was coined in a 1959 Lois Lane comic; Accordion Guy proves it. Like any good mainstream journalist, Miss Lane greeted the very idea of Blog with horror. (Via Waxy.)


Down the page, Accordion Guy remembers the time Batman and Robin tried to groove--I mean figure out--the "Paul Is Dead" mystery.

Comics Writer Fakes Own Mauling?

Or are horses worse than we thought?

Jocks Are Our Meat Because They Were Mean To Us In High School... And That's Beautiful.

I can't believe I almost let this day-old story get by me: Jason Giambi wants back in.

Oh, go ahead. Ask.

Tom, you're an eye-glass wearer. A little on the sensitive side. Artistic, even. If you wandered within half a mile of any high school football game, they'd capture you, put women's underpants on your head, make you stand on a box, and take pictures. For God's sake, Tom, you don't even know how to drive a car. Why would a... a thing like you care so much about sports?"

Fair question. The answer? You're looking at him. I follow baseball because of men like Giambi.

Maybe some of you wear glasses, go to demonstrations, roll cigarettes, dress funny, cry, read, sodomize, or have Jewish-sounding surnames. Some of you might even be women. Do you remember how athletes treated you in high school? I know, that's all in the past. You're an adult now, free to concentrate on things you love--Justice League Of America PVC figures or the latest issue of Harper's--and to ignore things you hate: jocks. I understand. But...

You're not catching what it means to be a fan, and what you can get from it. Many of us--a lot of us--read sports sections and go to games not because of any love for athletes. We do it because we get to lord it over them. We don't necessarily act out in public; as the jocks say, "it's all in the mental approach." They're here to please us. Period. We want our team to win, and any player who lets us down is a bum. And here's the reason baseball is the best sport: over a 162-game season, "any player who lets us down" is all of them.

Whether it's due to his own weakness or to the hypocrisy of the major leagues, Jason Giambi is inarguably suffering. Why not feed off that a little? A few crumbs. A binge. A binge, a puke, and then another binge. Does that make me a parasite? Fine, I'm a parasite.

Major-league pro athletes are rich and famous and living the greatest dream of their lives, but they've slipped since high school. They're no longer allowed to hurt us. Ask Ron Artest and eight other basketball players suspended last month for throwing punches at fans. We outrank them. They're our meat. At last.

Welcome to the Yankees, Tony Womack.

"His Hummer Strikes A Concrete Median, Which Gets The Attention Of Police."

Kim at Information Overload compiles the hilarious true adventures of a self-destructive Powerball winner.

But Don't Get The Impression That I Sit Around All Day Reading Metafilter, Because... Oh, Hell. Who Am I Kidding? My Life Is Nothing.

Jenny Miller's stupefying online collection of old romance comics. (Via--you're going to make me say it, aren't you?--Metafilter.)

This Time, Vote Like You Don't Care

A.H.O.Y. is a global unpopularity contest. It's been picking winners annually for 30 years.

"The Prophetic Speedometer Of End-Time"

As of yesterday's Rapture Index, The Occult is up due to a jump in the number of adult Pagans, but Liberalism is down since the beating it took in the US. These and 43 other indicators bring us in at a net change of +1 for a Rapture Index of 156. Let's check the chart to see what our score means:

Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity
Rapture Index above 145: Fasten your seat belts

You just pissed yourself, didn't you? Wait, there's a disclaimer:

The Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture

If, unlike me, you can't get enough of this stuff, keep checking the daily Rapture Ready News and John Rule's cartoons. (Via the Rapture Rations link in this Metafilter post.)

Bob Haney

Comics writer Bob Haney died in California on Thanksgiving at the age of 78. A DC regular from the '50s to the '80s, he'll be remembered for the Teen Titans, Metamorpho, the Batman team-ups in Brave & Bold, and the deranged "Super-Sons Saga." Mr. Haney was one of just a few comics writers of his era who possessed a real authorial voice. You didn't have to look at a credit box to know whose company you were enjoying, and it really did feel like company. I know it must seem fannish, clueless and disrespectful to run the "Mad Mod" cover under the circumstances, but it screams in the voice I'm talking about. I really enjoyed getting to know some part of him through his work.

Mark Evanier posts an obituary here.

Freedom's On The March

Our military will have their hands full re-admitting 300,000 Fallujans--and no insurgents--to the city in time for the January elections.

Some highlights: Fallujans will be herded through suburban "Citizen Processing Centers" where we'll take DNA samples and retina scans, and issue them ID badges they must wear at all times. Then buses will take them into the city, where cars will be banned. And, if one US faction has its way, the men will report for forced labor. I'm not kidding.

"You have to say, 'Here are the rules,' and you are firm and fair. That radiates stability," said Lieutenant Colonel Dave Bellon, intelligence officer for the First Regimental Combat Team, the Marine regiment that took the western half of Fallujah during the US assault and expects to be based downtown for some time.

Bellon asserted that previous attempts to win trust from Iraqis suspicious of US intentions had telegraphed weakness by asking, " 'What are your needs? What are your emotional needs?' All this Oprah [stuff]," he said. "They want to figure out who the dominant tribe is and say, 'I'm with you.' We need to be the benevolent, dominant tribe.

"They're never going to like us," he added, echoing other Marine commanders who cautioned against raising hopes that Fallujans would warmly welcome troops when they return to ruined houses and rubble-strewn streets. The goal, Bellon said, is "mutual respect."

Most Fallujans have not heard about the US plans. But for some people in a city that has long opposed the occupation, any presence of the Americans, and the restrictions they bring, feels threatening.

"When the insurgents were here, we felt safe," said Ammar Ahmed, 19, a biology student at Anbar University. "At least I could move freely in the city; now I cannot."

The whole story's at the Boston Globe, via Atrios.

There Is Laughter In Hell, And In Hart Seely's House

Donald Rumsfeld has spared the life of Hart Seely's book. It'll be a while yet before the popular poetry volume shares flea market space with The Spiro T. Agnew Coloring Book and The Reagan Wit, the Secretary Of Defense implied to reporters in Kuwait City today.

"The election is over and the president asked me if I would be willing to stay on and I told him I would be delighted to do that."

The Secretary went on to bust one of his patented boasts:

"I am fortunate/I have good health/I do not have young children/I am able to do this."

Congratulations to my friend Seely. And to the rest of the world, particularly those of you who live in the Middle East: aren't you happy for Seely?