STRANGE HATS

Bought Action Comics #275, April, 1961, at the Emerald City Comicon. I'll let reporter Lois Lane fill you in on the effects of the poison cocktail of Red and Green K:

NOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING! THAT RAY HAS AFFECTED HIS MIND SO THAT HE'S FORCED TO WEAR STRANGE HATS, AND DO HIS SUPER-JOBS ACCORDING TO THE WAY PEOPLE WHO WEAR THOSE HATS ACT!

Well-put, Miss Lane... but hardly accurate. Do a little digging and you might learn that Superman is acting hat-crazy only to conceal the fantastic TRUE effect of Red and Green K!

Since my comic book and I were at the Comicon, I got Action Comics writer Gail Simone to read it. Cross your fingers; we may see more hat stories!

Gone conventioning (glug-glug); probably won't indulge my sickness for posting until Monday. If you're in town, stop by Sunday; I'll be subbing for the ailing Mark Waid on the "Pro"--or "Earth-Boltinoff"--Team in the "Secret Infinite Trivia Contest Of Forbidden Champions." So while the Brian Bendises and Gail Simones enrapture fans with teasing hints of their exciting new projects, I'll be bickering with teammates Roy Thomas and Kurt Busiek about the exact punctuation of Johnny Thunder's super-speed formula. I fear this is comics' way of chasing me onto an ice floe and kicking it out to the frigid sea. Goodbye.

DIRTY JERSEY GIRLGod's Guide To The Hot Parts--the web ministry that tries to impose a sexless, gay-hating morality upon the world by describing filth in hot detail--finally reviewed Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. Three things stand out. One: The Hot Parts Sidebar usually lists images that offend/arouse The Hot Parts Guy, but this is a Smith movie, so it's nearly all dialogue. Two: The Hot Parts Guy singled this scene out:

Not even yet knowing how to change a diaper since grandpa had been doing it until now, Ollie made quite a mess with the talcum powder not only on Gertie but on his nice dark suit as well ... moments before a key presentation to dozens of writers. That scene may sound like a chuckle-maker, especially for all the dads reading this, but Smith decided to use a real baby. A real nude baby. In several shots. While seeing a nude baby is an inevitable and necessary part of bringing up baby, this event was in and as entertainment. I really suspect the views could have been prepared more morally tasteful.

Three: he cites, as an example of "Sexual Immorality:"

• child lifting dress when rising from commode

Aside to The Hot Parts Guy's neighbors: if he offers to babysit, make something up.

1000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall
The 1000 Bars Guy made The NY Post. He's Dan Freeman, 60, of Brooklyn. The Post asked him if he consulted a doctor before undertaking his mission to drink in 1,000 bars in 2005. He laughed and said, "If I was going to start smoking, would I consult my doctor?"

He's up to 161 Bars.

BARBIE, ASSASSINArriving in March: Barbie As Elektra, brought to my attention by AGENT DOUBLE-4, who says it's "wrong."

THIS SPAM,
THIS MONSTER!
COMICS' OWN NIGERIAN SCAM
I swear I got this e-mail last night:

Subject: BECOME THE PUBLISHER OF CBA COMICS.
Date: 2/2/05, 6:08 PM
From: ola frank
To:

HELLO. DEAR...

CREATIVE BEST ACTION COMICS[CBA]IS A JOINT PARTNERSIHP BUSINESS BASECALLY ON AFRICAN COMICS,WE CREATEED SERIES OF COMICS AND CHARACTERS AND NONE OF THIS PRODUCTS HAS BEEN PUBLISH EXCEPT,[ THE MAGNIFICENT- 3] WHICH WE PUBLISHED FEW YEARS BACK.

THESE STUPENDIOUS RANGE OF PRODUCT IS BEST REFFERED AS THE MOST ADVENTOUS AND INTERESRTING COMIC BOOK YOU CAN EVER THINK OF AS FAR AS NIGERIA IS CONCERN AND EVEN AFRICA AT LARGE.

WE SABBLED INTO COMIC INDUSTRY,EXPERCIALLY ON AFRICAN COMICS BECAUSE OF OUR ADVANCE BESTOED UNCONVENTIONAL TALENTS ,WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE ON AFRICAN CULTURERAL HERITAGE.

AS A RESULT OF INSUFFICIENT FACILITIES TO EXCEL WE DESIDED TO SELL OFF SOME OFF OUR PRDUCTS OR TO GO INTO CONTRACT WITH ANY INTERESTING PUBLISHER,

IF YOU CARE TO BUY SOME OF THIS COMIC BOOKS OR TO BECOME THE ORIGINAL PUBLISH PLEASE DO NOT HERSITATE TO CONTACT ME ON THE ADDRESS BELOW.

YOU ARE 100 PER, FREE TO ASK ANY QUESTION OR ANY PROVE YOU WISHE'S TO HAVE THAT WILL CONVINCE YOU TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS MAIL.

THANK YOU.

NOTE!!! IF YOU WILL LIKE TO SEE SOME OF OUR MANNUAL DRAW AS A SAMPLE OF OUR WORK WE ARE ALSO READY TO DELIEVER THEM TO YOU WITH A DUE LEGAL PROCESS

THANKS.

FRANK , (CEO),
CREATIVE BEST ACTION COMICS.

FOR MORE DETAILS CONTACT FRANK O THIS..ADDRESS ,[address],OR call.[number].

Have Nigerian scammers started doing market research? Did someone target me because of my whole, you know, comics thing?

Or wait a minute. Could this possibly be for real? It's far-fetched, but what if I'm foolishly dismissing a life-changing opportunity?

Shut up and let me think!

BOLDLY GONE

After 18 years--150 if you count the feature films--the planet Earth drifts into a mysterious Star Trekless universe. I'll miss the comfort of knowing it's there while I watch something else. More than that, I'll miss the Emergency Panic Story Meetings: "Let's make it like September 11th--but sexy!" So they put out a press release, you turn it on to see what's changed, and once again it's two crew members trapped in a cave. Adieu, Star Trek!

THE FATAL FIVE

A.H.O.Y.* finalists' Fun Facts!

*A.H.O.Y. is a global unpopularity poll. The results are in for 2004 and they're being announced at a sluggish pace packaged as "suspense." The 2005 site will be up soon.

Your Portrait...

...with a Galaxy Of Clones...


...with Stevie Nicks...

...as a character from the Star Trek cartoons!

Extra Bonus Creativity:

Early Saturday morning. Summer. Steve is still trying to sleep. He turns his head and looks at the clock. 7 a.m. The music of summer has woken him up. Lawnmowers, edge trimmers and hedge clippers. His neighbors are certainly out and about early this morning. Which reminds him. He has to cut the grass too, and trim the hedges. He lies on his back with his arm over his eyes. Oh Lord. Looking out of the window it is a beautiful day. Sunny and blue skies. He rather go fishing he thinks to himself. But he has a lot of work to do. Journey has kept him very busy...

Steve Perry Fan Fiction!

SOME LIKE IT HOT

God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the web ministry that fights Hollywood smut with prurient gibberish--has finally posted some licentious new movie reviews. Some people say The Hot Parts Guy has a dirty mind. I don't know. But if you have a dirty mind, here are his latest (I paraphrase:) recommendations. If your hot parts respond to (I quote:)

• camera angle to force viewer on how short a skirt was

• "I don't care what they do to me" attitude

and

• "gay" kiss

you'll want to run at top speed to Racy--er, Racing Stripes! But if you're more likely to be turned on by

• adult male baring his posterior before surprise party guests, including his daughters, and other kids

• open mouth kissing

and

• below navel skin - male, in refrigerator pinup photos

then what are you sitting alone for? Get In Good Company! If your "final frontier" looks more like

• offer of sex (by "Commander Uhura" no less!)

• crotch hit and kick

and

• inappropriate touch of man by woman (also by "Commander Uhura" no less)

beam yourself over to Are We There Yet? at Warp Factor Nine! Finally, if you find satisfaction in

• man and woman making out with display of mounting ecstasy

• adult male showing atypical interest in girl child

and

• taking prescription drugs with alcohol

you're looking for Hide And Seek!

On behalf of perverts, peepers, pill-poppers, Trekkies and spaced-out swingers of all stripe, thank you, Hot Parts Guy, and keep up the sexy work!