Sad Little Twins

Don't be sad, little twins.

Survivor Acknowledges Race, America Shits Self

I'd watch Segregated Survivor every week if they were honest enough to start the White Tribe off with an air conditioned mansion, a freezer full of food, a fleet of Hummers and a police force.

Logic Is Little Tweeting Bird

I promise I’ll post something political soon so the wingnut commentators can hurry up and get busy calling me gay. (Isn’t that funny?) But here’s another weird snippet from life first:

I like to warm up my brain in the morning by doing Logic Problems -- you know, the weird things with the clues and the charts that you find in brainier magazine outlets, crowding those mouth-breathing Word Searches off the racks. Now, I’m well aware that I’m probably the only human under age eighty -- and male -- with a Logic Problem habit. And most of the puzzles are written with that audience in mind: stories about shopping, medieval ladies, or weird throwbacks to ‘50s America.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed a strange evolution -- one that leads me to believe a new crop of writers have been enlisted to craft these anachronistic enigmas. Penny Press has a recurring series of problems involving spaceships and aliens with names like Bleeb and Coomz. But that didn’t prepare me for the last, and hence hardest, puzzle in the latest issue -- which begins like this:

“After visiting comics conventions far and wide with little success, ten collectors (including Wilfredo) turned to the Internet in order to complete their comics collections. Each person was missing a different number of issues (2 through 11) of a different comic (five of which -- The Avengers, Elektra, Fantastic Four, The Punisher, and Thunderbolts -- are published by Marvel Comics; and five of which -- Hellblazer, The Invisibles, Preacher, The Sandman, and Transmetropolitan -- are published by Vertigo Comics)…”

Not only are some of these titles pretty obscure to the general public -- Thunderbolts? -- but as an editor, I acquired three of these comics for original publication, and edited three others as well. Clearly, this puzzle was written just for me. Sadly, the editorial history of the comics wasn’t helpful in solving the puzzle -- though I did manage to solve it, finally, with a minimum of cheating.

But now I strongly suspect that Penny Press’s Logic Puzzles are being written by a hardcore comics fan -- maybe even a SuperFrankenstein reader. Anybody out there want to fess up?

While we’re waiting, here’s another clue that won’t help you solve the puzzle. THE PUNISHER XMAS SPECIAL, written by me, will go on sale November 29th. The solicitation is here .

Getting Ass and the Library

Thank you, SuperFrankenstein. To kick things off, here’s the word from the streets where I live, yo. All quotes guaranteed overheard in downtown Brooklyn, part of the Free City of New York:

“First we’ll go get some BEER…then we’ll pick up some MEAT.”
--woman to baby in a stroller, in a sing-song voice

“I been waitin' till I got paid to buy my pants, and I ain't lettin' nobody tell me I can't get 'em.”
--teenage girl on her cell phone

“What…exactly…do you CALL YOURSELF DOIN’?”
--unmarked cop car, over loudspeaker, to other car trying to back up through a crowded intersection

And the winner:

“Like, getting ass and the library? Are, like, opposites.”
--one teenaged boy to another, outside the local branch library

No More Must Superfrankenstein Tread This Earth--ALONE.

Stuart Moore distinguished himself so well the other day with that post about Lili Taylor's ass, I conned him into sharing the whole blog. He'll post his shit, I'll post mine, and there will be more to read around here.

Stuart and I worked at DC together at the beginning of our comics careers, so it's only fitting we reunite for the launch of our decrepit years. Be nice to him. Those of you who are ever nice at all, I mean.

TEASER: More new members might join Superfrankenstein and the Monster Force in the coming days! Which one will betray the team? And which one will DIE?

Free Shit From Repressed Assholes

How to Get Free Books, CDs, and Movies from Focus on the Family—Thereby Taking Money out of the Pockets of Anti-Gay Bigots—in 12 Easy Steps! [Via Monkeyfilter]

My shopping cart:

101 Frequently Asked Questions About
Homosexuality (Book) 12.00
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (DVD) 30.00
George W. Bush: Faith in the White House (DVD) 15.00
Albert & Dee Dee Pujols: Giving Honor to God (CD) (Qty: 4) 36.00

Total shipped to Tom Peyer: $ 93.00
Your Total Donation.......... $ 0.00

Writer Stuart Moore Sees Factotum, Craves Alcohol

Yesterday, Firestorm writer Stuart Moore e-mailed me his minute-by-minute experience seeing Factotum, a new movie based on the novel by Charles Bukowski. It's about a writer who happens to enjoy a cocktail now and then, so, naturally, Stuart and I were itching to go just so we could award it four stars!

[NOTE: I'd have posted Stuart's impressions in real time, like livebloggers should, but terrorists knocked Superfrankenstein offline this weekend. They hate us because we love freedom! Anyway...]

Take it away, Stuart!
_______

10:43 AM

Okay -- this is me "liveblogging" you on my trip to see FACTOTUM, the greatest movie in the universe, by myself at 11:00 AM on Sunday. I promise no "spoilers" (? Matt Dillon gets drunk? He loses his job?)

So far there are three other people in the audience -- and they're all old enough to have hung with Bukowski in the bad days. A weathered old guy is talking to his wife (?), and another old guy just hobbled in VERY slowly, plopped down in front of me, and pulled out a copy of THE TIN DRUM by Gunter Grass. Oh, and a nicely dressed old lady just strolled in and said sweetly, "Excuse me, what movie is this? 'FAC-TOE-TUM'?" Awesome!

My own reading of choice on the way over was Cormac McCarthy's NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, which seemed appropriate. I had a Fiendish Plan to buy a couple Budweisers and sneak them in -- they just changed the state law to allow liquor purchases on Sunday mornings! -- but I chickened out. And now I'm regretting it because the concessions stand wasn't open yet when I came in. Another regret for my middle age.

We'll see if I follow through on Fiendish Plan #2: to stand up a half hour into the film, look around in a daze, and scream, "WHERE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKIN SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE?!" Don't hold your breath...it would've worked a lot better with the Budweiser in my hand.

Shit -- I smell popcorn. More later.

[The lede buried in Stuart's report is that New York now allows liquor sales on Sunday morning. Hey, Stuart, next time I'm in town, let's do shots in church!]

11:08 AM

The theatre is having a staffing crisis. I waited ten minutes for popcorn -- then they gave it to me FREE. And all I missed was half of a short film about an animated woman and a trash can.

This is the best day of my life.

11:26 AM

This movie is hilarious. And of the 13-14 people here, I'm the only one laughing.

But I'm also the only one with FREE POPCORN, fuckers.

11:50 AM

Lili Taylor has a great ass.

[Are you sure you didn't sneak those Budweisers in, Stuart?]

12:11 PM

This movie really does catch the weird rhythm and humor of Bukowski's writing. That's not for everybody, but I'm loving it. It's also a very tricky thing to pull off.

Wish I had that Bud.

12:59 PM

Sitting in Washington Square Park, where I just ate a hot dog. I really liked the movie -- it captured a strange pace just right. Matt Dillon, Lili Taylor, & Marisa Tomei were all just right. Lili Taylor -- you just alternately wanted to hug her and slap her, which was exactly the point.

The movie's about writing, of course, as all Bukowski's work is. It (the film) doesn't really say anything you can't get from reading 20 pages of Bukowski -- and scenes that would have been shocking in 1975, when the book was published, seem like tame bits clipped from DEADWOOD or THE SOPRANOS today. But the integrity of the work, and the poetry, hold up -- for me, anyway. And apparently for the septuagenarians in the audience with me. (Though they weren't laughing much.)

I don't know if I'm a writer by Bukowski's standards. I've never starved, though I've never needed much either. (That hot dog hit the spot.) But as I walked over to sit on this bench, a puffy young NYU guy said into his cell phone, "I'm gonna start writing a play with my friend Elliot." I wish him luck, but somehow I think I'm gonna be doing this longer than him.

And so are you, SuperFrankenstein.

Enough interblogging. I need a drink!
_______

Thanks, Stuart! Great job! I can't wait to see this movie. It sounds like Casino Royale for assholes!
_______

Copyright © 2006 Buttshot/Hotlist Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved Unless Specifically Thrown Out The Window of a Moving Car.

Bush Library Overdue

"First Lady Laura Bush said Wednesday that she doesn't expect a decision to be made on the site for the George W. Presidential Library before at least the end of the year. " -- Associated Press, 8/16/06

Finalists include:

Southern Methodist University

Baylor University

The University of Dallas

Bob Jones University

The Louisiana Superdome

Guantanamo

Abu Ghraib

The Skull and Bones Tomb

Bedlam

Oceania

Spin Alley

The Watergate

The Waste Land

The War Room

The Wild, Wild West

Wall Street

Hooverville

Hooterville

Margueritaville

Santa Land

Fantasy Island

Bohemiam Grove

The Dust Bowl

The Green Zone

The Tower Of London

The Tower Of Babel

The Kingdom of the Blind

Arlington National Cemetery

Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

Whiskey River

God's country

Scarborough Country

Branson, MO

The Alamo

Death Row

Skid Row

Ground Zero

Tobacco Road

Fallujah

Fort Apache

Attica

Tora Bora

Cooperstown

The Poorhouse

The Grand Ole Opry

Old School

Heaven

The Sunshine State

The Death Star

Devil's Island

The Secret Location

The Continental Divide

The USS Abraham Lincoln

Easy Street

Cripple Creek

The Crystal Cathedral

Christendom

America

Crackin' On Coulter's Crack In Cracked

"I'm bombing the Times!"

"Invade my body! Kill my leaders! Convert me to Christianity!"

"Fill me up, like the 9/11 victims did to their harpy witch widows!"

From a piece by Seely and me in Cracked #1, now on sale!
Ann Coulter Cracked Magazine Hart Seely

"If I Can't Trust The President Of The United States... "

From Crossover Comics Cavalcade, via Metafilter.