Friday, April 06, 2007

Briefing By Tony Snow's Cancer's Press Secretary

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: Good morning, everybody. Now, for all those who've been trying to create this narrative that Tony Snow's Cancer is threatening Tony Snow’s life, which is silly, what we've really said is that we're going to pursue legitimate means to try to get his medical team to change its behavior. Tony Snow’s Cancer wants to make it clear to Tony Snow, who has a long and proud history, that it does welcome closer relations. But his doctors are a problem right now, because they are openly talking about the possibility of nuclear radiation and chemical weapons. Tony Snow’s Cancer is not about to sit back and let an extremist element destabilize Tony Snow.

Q Tony Snow’s Cancer said, "I've heard those allegations about malignancy; it's just not true." How can it say that when it hasn't seen all the medical records?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: I'm not -- how would you define "malignancy"?

Q How would you define it, Tony Snow’s Cancer’s Press Secretary?

MR. SNOW'S CANCER'S PRESS SECRETARY: Well, it's a loaded term. I mean, I think what Tony Snow’s Cancer -- what Tony Snow’s Cancer is saying is that there is no -- I don't want to hug the tar baby of trying to comment on the malignancy -- the alleged malignancy -- the existence of which I can neither confirm nor deny.

Q Tony Snow’s Cancer’s Press Secretary, do you have a sense of how the course of Tony Snow’s Cancer might differ this time, versus the first occurrence of Tony Snow’s Cancer?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: Look, what Tony Snow’s Cancer will not do is commit itself to specifics. Is anything off the table? No. But this is a case where Tony Snow’s Cancer, I think, is willing to work with moderate members of the medical community to come up with solutions.

Q Is Tony Snow’s Cancer optimistic?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: I don't know if it -- I think "determined" is the proper term to use.

Q Just one quick question, if you're able to answer. Has Tony Snow’s Cancer spread to any other areas, anywhere beyond the liver?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: It's a very important statement for Tony Snow’s Cancer to be at these places and to take very aggressive action to build a basis for growth. Tony Snow’s Cancer may not have gotten the credit it deserves for that.

Q Where other than the liver?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: At this point that's a level of operational detail I'm not willing to address right now.

Q I guess what I'm wondering is, it's now been day after day of Tony Snow’s Cancer pursuing a policy that poll after poll shows is extremely unpopular.

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: Well, I'm not -- I'll let you read the polls. But I think -- look, if somebody has a poll that says, do you want Tony Snow’s Cancer out tomorrow? Do you want him to be able to come home tomorrow? The answer is, yes. Of course. Everybody wants Tony Snow to come home tomorrow.

Q It's an unpopular cancer. We don't have any --

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: Well, all cancers are unpopular, Jim.

Q You don't think this cancer is -- at this point, are we debating about what the American people think about this cancer?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: You know, it's interesting because depending on the questions you ask. Again, if you ask a question, do you think it's important to succeed? Yes. People agree with that. Do they think that you ought to seek victory? If you ask, if the alternative is radiation and chemical weapons, people don't want that.

So, again, a lot of times you can frame questions in different ways. But let's be honest -- people don't like cancer. But on the other hand, people also don't like poison, they don't like radiation, and Tony Snow’s Cancer has to keep all those things in mind. And it does and constantly --

Q But Tony Snow’s cancer is as resolute as ever that --

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: Yes.

Q -- one day it will be proven correct?

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: The failure to finish is the sort of thing that is going to allow other diseases to sit back and wait, and it also is going to undermine confidence in Tony Snow, and that's something that we cannot afford.

Q Our thoughts are with Tony, so if you would pass that on, we'd appreciate it.

MR. SNOW’S CANCER’S PRESS SECRETARY: I’m not going to get into that with you, Helen.

2 comments:

el duque said...

This is wrong, all wrong.

Tony Snow's cancer would not have a press secretary.

It would have a publicist, and we would be seeing daily pictures of Tony Snow's cancer attending parties.

And by the way, Tony Snow's cancer has top notch cleavage.

bubba g. russo said...

If we were talking about just about anybody else in the universe, I'd say that this was disgusting, unfair, cruel, and the lowpoint in bad taste.

However, we ARE talking about Tony Snow. My first thought was that no way could his cancer have run out of asshole to devour- he's all asshole!

My second is that cancer's gotta be lowering its standards- wasn't it the GOOD that were supposed to die young?

But I guess the years of heavy drinking and use of inhalants, meth, gas huffing, and leftover oxicontin from frat brother Rush have finally caught up. Tony's been trying vainly to salve his conscience (that was removed last time, so he could get the White House Press Secretary gig) or forget his complicity as the Administration's Official mouthpiece and must have permanently compromised his liver, (along with his heart, mind and spine) and left it open to attack.

Not only does his cancer have its own spokesmen, but several Fox News analysts are dedicated to putting his heroic cancer and his brave struggle against it in the best of all possible and most sympathetic lights.

The upshot of it is, I'm rooting for the cancer! And hoping he contracts something else even more heinous on his way out!

RIP, Mr. Snow. Tell the truth JUST ONCE before you die. They say confession is good for the soul- as if you still had one!