Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Simpsons Movie: The Hot Parts



God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the fundamentalist web ministry that fights movie smut by describing it in arousing detail--reviewed The Simpsons Movie!

I have nothing good to say about any of the parts that just might have a positive statement (as most films do) because, however few they are, positive elements are so deeply embedded in animated manure they are nearly invisible. The immoral screaming of this film drowns out the gossamer whispers of good. The caliber of this film could also be compared to filling a theater auditorium with manure two inches deep then sprinkling a drop or two of perfume in three of four places. While sitting in your chair are you going to be able to smell the perfume? Even if you are sitting next to where the perfume landed?
Jesus, Hot Parts Guy! I got your point two sentences ago! Now get to the hot parts! (There may be spoilers, but you've seen it already.)
Wanton Violence/Crime (W)
# action violence, repeatedly
# three drowning deaths
# baby-killing video game
# eye impalement injury
# choking child
# slapstick violence, repeatedly
# bully assault
# stupidity with a firearm
# crushing/squashing death
# four gunfire injuries
# brutality
# arrow impalement
# theft
# implication leading to false arrest
# hanging staging
# father choking son
# firearm to control, repeatedly
# animal attack
# physical assault with joy in revenge
# death by crushing

Impudence/Hate (I)
# seven uses of the three/four letter word vocabulary, twice by an adolescent
# child firing pellet gun at father
# father daring son to skateboard nude
# tattoo
# mob mentality
# at the daughter's anger the mother said "You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever"
# adolescent insult of father, repeatedly
# son calling father by first name, twice
# father calling the daughter an accident

Sexual Immorality (S)
# posterior cleavage
# crotch hit
# child nudity, frequent, including full frontal anatomically correct nudity
# homosexual kiss
# adults in underwear
# implied intercourse
# anatomical reference
# female pointing the direction to go by swinging her breasts
# self-touching

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
# "Binge responsibly"
# smoking, repeatedly
# adolescent drinking
# adolescent drunkenness
# adolescent alcoholism
# comment re: drinking is okay
# adolescent intoxication collapse
# drugging to control, including a child
# smoking drugs

Offense to God (O)
# one use of God's name in vain with the four letter expletive and ten without, once by an adolescent
# blasphemy
# "this book [the Bible] doesn't have any answers"
# contempt for God, faith and the Scriptures throughout
# "We told you so" on a church marquis

Murder/Suicide (M)
# impalement murder
# video game murder by gunfire
# robot committing suicide by gunfire
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rub one out.

2 comments:

Our Man Horn said...

Nice list. Describes pretty much any random weekend during my childhood.

Juisarian said...

"You said death by crushing twice."

"I like death by crushing."