SUPERFRANKENSTEIN: City Outlives Ford

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

City Outlives Ford

Posted by Stang at 21:54

Nation mourns talent scout who discovered Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and George H. W. Bush.

1 comment:

Peter said...: Tom Brokaw Pre-Tapes

Tom Brokaw: Okay, who are we up to?

Voice of Producer: Uh... we're still on Presidents. Gerald Ford.

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford? Well, he's in good shape....

Voice of Producer: Just covering our bases, Tom. You never know....

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right.... [graphic of Gerald Ford, "1913-1996" appears over Tom's left shoulder ] "Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83."

Voice of Producer: Okay, good. Annnd, one for next year.

Tom Brokaw: All right... [ graphic of Gerald Ford, "1913-1997" ] "Gerald Ford dead today, at age 84."

Voice of Producer: Uh... a little sadder.

Tom Brokaw: All right. [ sad ] "Gerald Ford dead today... at age 84..."

Voice of Producer: That was good. Good.

Tom Brokaw: Okay, what now?

Voice of Producer: Now let's do one for if he's shot.

Tom Brokaw: Well, what are the chances of that?

Voice of Producer: We're just covering contingencies.

Tom Brokaw: I mean, it just seems that Gerald Ford...

Voice of Producer: Look - you're the one who wants to spend the whole winter in Barbados, okay? Now, we gotta be ready with something, just in case. All right, Tom?

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right... [ graphic of Gerald Ford, "1913-1996" ] "Gerald Ford shot dead today, at age 83."

Voice of Producer: Uh... add the word "senseless".

Tom Brokaw: All right. "Gerald Ford shot dead today, at the senseless age of 83."

Voice of Producer: Um... uh...

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right... "Gerald Ford shot senselessly dead, at the age of 83."

Voice of Producer: Good, good... Okay, now suicide.

Tom Brokaw: What?!

Voice of Producer: Just read it!

Tom Brokaw: All right. "Gerald Ford dead today, after jumping out of an office building, senselessly."

Voice of Producer: That's a nice touch. Okay, moving on.

Tom Brokaw: Okay. "Gerald Ford dead today, from an overdose of crack cocaine."

Voice of Producer: Good, good... Next.

Tom Brokaw: All right. [ graphic of Gerald Ford and a commuter plane ] "Stunning news from Michigan, as former President Gerald Ford was chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane."

Voice of Producer: Good. One take.

Tom Brokaw: All right, we got it?

Voice of Producer: No. We've got "eaten by wolves".

Tom Brokaw: What? Now, come on!

Voice of Producer: Just read it!

Tom Brokaw: Gerald Ford isn't gonna be eaten by wolves!

Voice of Producer: Taft was.

Tom Brokaw: Really? Taft?

Voice of Producer: Uh... yeah.

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right... [ graphic of Ford surrounded by a pair of wolves ] "Tragedy today, as former President Gerald Ford was eaten by wolves. He was delicious." Now... now, that's just superfluous, you know?

Voice of Producer: It's a former President, Tom. What do you say - he's not delicious?

Tom Brokaw: All right, fine... what's next?

Voice of Producer: The double story.

Tom Brokaw: All right. [ graphic of Ford and map of France ] "A fireball destroyed France today, and Gerald Ford is dead." Now, what are the odds of that?

Voice of Producer: Fine. We'll get Stone Phillips to do it. You know, I'm sure Stone Phillips would be thrilled to break a story like that!

Tom Brokaw: All right. Let's keep moving... [ graphic of Ford and the corpse of Richard Nixon ] "Stunning news from Yorba Linda today, as Richard Nixon's corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald For to death."

Voice of Producer: Excellent.

Tom Brokaw: All right. [ graphic of Ford and circus lion ] "Gerald Ford was mauled senselessly by a circus lion in a convenience store."

Voice of Producer: Good. Next.

Tom Brokaw: All right. "Gerald Ford is dead today, and I'm gay." Now, wait a minute!

Voice of Producer: What? That'd be a huge story - Ford dying, and you coming out!

Tom Brokaw: But I'm not gay!

Voice of Producer: Today you're not gay, you know... but then one day you wake up, you like men, and Gerald Ford dies, and we're screwed. Everyone's hearing about it from Dan Rather!

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right... what's this for?

[ graphic of Gerald Ford and the Zimbabwee flag appears ]

Voice of Producer: All right, this one's for if we're invaded by Zimbabwee.

Tom Brokaw: Would I still be the anchor if Zimbabwee invaded us?

Voice of Producer: Yeah... if you break the Gerald Ford story, you will...

Tom Brokaw: All right. "Hola bambe, hungala dimba Gerald Ford... *click* *click* *click* *click* ...hola bambe, allah bumba bubba hulla humba hey."

Voice of Producer: Very nice. Very nice. A little sadder, please.

Tom Brokaw: All right, all right... [ sadly ] "Hola bambe, hungala dimba Gerald Ford... *click* *click* ...hola bambe..."; 12/27/2006 9:05 PM