Friday, March 24, 2006

The Items Listed Below Are Required For Vice President Cheney's Downtime Suite. Contact The Advance Office, 202-456-9006, With Any Questions.

Vice_presidential_sealFour (4) cans Diet Caffeine Free Sprite with bubbles stirred out.

72-oz. steak (no charge if The Vice President finishes it).

Wall of TVs tuned to FOX News.

Monaural phonograph; vinyl recording of latest Paul Harvey broadcast.

Bed of money.

Undisclosed bathroom.

Throne. Orb. Scepter.

One (1) barrel of light sweet crude.

One (1) fist-sized rock of Green Kryptonite.

Thermostat set to 98.6 degrees, all windows open.

Magazines: Oil Fancy, Authority Today, Spin.

One (1) beer with lunch; assortment of bullets, shells and shot.

Ambulance with full EMT staff (three shifts).

Four (4) maximum doses of every prescription drug currently manufactured.

Morphine drip.

Solid gold urinal.

Precautionary evacuation of one (1) nearby hospital.

Food taster (blindfolded, or blind).

No mirrors.

The Maltese Falcon.

Go fuck yourself.

Balcony from which The Vice President can gaze down at America.

Transcripts of all telephone calls going into and out of Hotel.

Transfer of all Hotel service contracts to Kellogg Brown & Root.

One (1) zany, bumbling Hotel Employee to repeatedly enrage the Vice President. After several increasingly hilarious encounters, the Employee is to deliver a heartbreaking speech about his good intentions, giving the Vice President a chance to show that he's secretly just an old softie. (Warning: this does not mean The Vice President will tolerate the antics of escaped chimpanzees.)

Cone of Silence.

One hooded quail on a box, electrical wires attached to its talons.

If wife is present: Nothing extra. She'll be fine.

If wife is absent: Angie Dickinson.

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the suite, that would be a very good idea. The Vice President and his wife are registered at General Dynamics.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

He likes to shoot people in the face! And then they apologize for their face getting in the way!

Anonymous said...

Bush has lost his momentum, Americans' support for the Iraq war is dwindling, and opposition to Bush policies is hardening. That's according to a recent New York Times/CBS News poll being covered as if it were a real news story.

Like callers to talk radio claiming to be Republicans angry with Republicans, liberals love to pretend public opinion is always in the process of shifting in their direction. They can't win elections — Democrats have gotten a majority vote in a national election only two times since FDR was president (Lyndon Johnson in '64 and Jimmy Carter in '76). But they're always experiencing an upswing in the polls.

Clinton could never get a majority of Americans to vote for him but, according to the polls, as soon as the public found out about his sex romps with Monica, his support shot up to above 80 percent. Bush did get a majority of the country to vote for him less than two years ago. Now we're told 70 percent of Americans hate the man.

Indeed, according to the polls, the public's feeling about the war in Iraq began three years ago with fear, skepticism and dread — and steadily went downhill.

If these poll results were accurate, support for the war should be about negative 3,000 percent by now. The public would have stormed the White House, seized the president and flogged him to death.

Here's a sample of New York Times headlines on stories discussing poll numbers since before the Iraq war began in March 2003:

— Poll Finds Most in U.S. Support Delaying a War (2/14/03)

— Opinions Begin to Shift as Public Weighs Costs of War (3/26/03)

— World's View of U.S. Sours After Iraq War, Poll Finds (6/4/03)

— Study Finds Europeans Distrustful of U.S. Global Leadership (9/4/03)

— Despite Polls, Pataki Backs Bush on Iraq All the Way (10/3/03)

— Poll Finds Hostility Hardening Toward U.S. Policies (3/17/04)

— Support for War Is Down Sharply, Poll Concludes (4/29/04)

— Rising Casualties, One Falling Poll (5/2/04)

— Polls Show Bush's Job-Approval Ratings Sinking (5/14/04)

— Bush's Rating Falls to Its Lowest Point, New Survey Finds (6/29/04)

And then — despite the fact that every single man, woman and child in America opposed the war in Iraq and despised George Bush — a few months later, Bush won re-election against well-respected war hero John Kerry.

Immediately after the election, public opinion polls showed Americans turning once again against the war and against George Bush, according to the Times:

— Americans Show Clear Concerns on Bush Agenda (11/23/04)

— Public Voicing Doubts on Iraq and the Economy, Poll Finds (1/20/05)

— Bad Iraq War News Worries Some in GOP on '06 Vote (8/18/05)

— Support for Bush Continues to Drop as More Question His Leadership Skills, Poll Shows (9/15/05)

— Iraq's Costs Worry Americans, Poll Indicates (9/17/05)

— Most Americans Find Cindy Sheehan Attractive, Interesting (2/8/06). OK, I made that one up. The rest were made up by the Times.

The media are constantly telling Americans what they believe: You are dissatisfied ... You are getting more dissatisfied ... You are slowly becoming utterly dissatisfied ... Your dissatisfaction is now reaching a fever pitch!

News coverage of public opinion polls is barely justifiable in an election year. When there's no horse race, these cooked-up polls are nothing more than the mainstream media's long, monotonous brainwashing of the public.

At least the old subliminal ads for popcorn in movie theaters operated by stealth. Today's mainstream media engage in open conditioning of the public in a fantastical scheme to shift public opinion.

Noticeably, there's always an odd disconnect between what the polls say and what people actually do.

Despite the fact that — according to the polls — the "American people" are fed up with the war Iraq, only a few hundred anti-war protesters showed up in New York City last weekend. The naked cowboy in Times Square gets a bigger crowd than that.

Despite the fact that polls show the public is ready to throw in the towel on Iraq, members of the House of Representatives, or "the people's house," recently voted 403-3 against withdrawing the troops.

Despite the fact that 70 percent of the public thinks Bush is doing a lousy job, when they had a chance to put someone else in the White House a mere 15 months ago, they decided to keep him.

There is, however, one poll taken by millions of Americans every day, year in, year out. Based on plummeting viewers, circulation numbers and ad rates, we can say with some certainty, the American people are beginning to loathe the liberal media.

Superfrankenstein said...

There is no way you wrote that yourself, Anonymous.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with cutting and pasting someone else's work into the comments page of a blog, but...

There is no way you wrote that yourself, Anonymous.

Superfrankenstein said...

Har! It's an Ann Coulter column!

Steal from the best, I always say.

Hoosier X said...

I think the myth of the Liberal Media (TM) is my favorite conservative delusion.

I mean, anyone who actually uses their own eyes and ears and gets their opinions from actually looking at the media (as opposed to the conservative practice of picking a meaningless phrase and repeating it endlessly through the Conservative Corporate Media) would see the idea of a Liberal Media (TM) is just one more Nonsensical Conservative Talking Point.

But I've come not to expect too much from conservatives. No honor, no decency, no honesty. That's just how they are.

If only people would realize that Fox News is for entertainment only! Fox News is dangerous when used to form real political opinions!

El Duque said...

Superfrankenstein,

I'm afraid they left out the singlemost important item: A framed picture of his LESBIAN daughter.

Blind Robin said...

It appears "anonymous" a.k.a. Ben Domenech has found a new gig.

Jim Chadwick said...

Hey, someone needs to remind Anonymous of something. Americans didn't vote Bush back into office because they supported the war: they voted for Bush because they didn't want to see gay people get married.

Get your facts straight, buddy.

rev. billy bob gisher ©2005 said...

wow you get people writing books in your comment box.

"One hooded quail on a box, electrical wires attached to its talons."

Pulitzer baby.

Anonymous said...

This is too funny!

I post an article about how liberals delude themselves, and every response tries to mock and to trivialize the article, without addressing its substance!

Way to go, liberals! Keep it up! The more you refuse to face reality, the greater GOP chances of winning next election... as they have won so MANY times over you liberals.

Conservatives WIN... liberals sit around and invent reasons why they're "about to" win.

(Here come the "responses" to this post. I'm sure it will be more of the same. It's the only tactic you liberals know!)

Hoosier X said...

Dear, Anonymous

Can I link to something about Ann Coulter? Or do you have your response already worked out? Something like, "You liberals can't do your own research!" in which you would be blatantly ignoring your own reliance on a notorious liar, Ann Coulter?

(I don't expect conservatives to be consistent, honest, decent or honorable. I know you can't help it, so I don't get mad or anything. I pray for you that you will get the help that you need.)

Anyway, there is no need for any of us to waste out time responding to every specific new piece of hateful, divisive, misleading conservative rhetoric. Media Matters has done the work for us.

Thank you, Media Matters!

Eagerly awaiting your lame response, anonymous!

Anonymous said...

Conservatives WIN... liberals sit around and invent reasons why they're "about to" win.

Reason One: They have links that call Ann Coulter a liar!

Hoosier X said...

Hey, Anonymous,

Why didn't Ann mention that Al Gore DID get a majority of the popular vote in 2000?

Just asking.

Anonymous said...

Conservatives WIN... liberals sit around and invent reasons why they're "about to" win.

Reason TWO: They think winning the popular vote and winning the Electoral College vote is the same thing. And if you say it's NOT, they will whine about it for YEARS!

El Duque said...

Anonymous,

Clearly, you are a winner.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous -

Since you are a patriotic supporter of the war, please tell us which outfit in Iraq you're in, and what your MOS is, and when exactly you volunteered.

Jersey Shore said...

Anonymous wrote:

"Conservatives WIN"... liberals sit around and invent reasons why they're "about to" win."

You mean, like when Cheney or Bushie-boy say we're "about to" turn the corner in Iraq?

It's going to take more than draping a "Mission Accomplished" banner across a battleship to "WIN" in Iraq.

Anonymous said...

"Since you are a patriotic supporter of the war, please tell us which outfit in Iraq you're in, and what your MOS is, and when exactly you volunteered."

That's right. Civilain control of the military is for pussies!

Superfrankenstein said...

There you go again, anonymous, twisting everything we say into a super-clever joke and failing to address real issues like illegal immigration and port management.

Of course, it must be difficult to argue confidently when you stand with such a piddling minority.

Anonymous said...

"There you go again, anonymous, twisting everything we say into a super-clever joke"

Good point!

Anonymous said...

"There you go again, anonymous, twisting everything we say into a super-clever joke and failing to address real issues like illegal immigration and port management."


Failing to address real issues: The motto of this site!

Superfrankenstein said...

Anonymous, please stop drawing attention to my failure to produce a serious public affairs discussion site. It's really embarrassing.

Spysmasher said...

What a funny article! Where's the companion piece, telling how John Kerry is ten times WORSE in his demands? (Oh wait, I forgot. It's only funny to slam Republicans. Democrats are off limits here. Never mind.)

Superfrankenstein said...

Write your own John Kerry jokes.

Conservatives. You want everything handed to you.

Hoosier X said...

"They think winning the popular vote and winning the Electoral College vote is the same thing. And if you say it's NOT, they will whine about it for YEARS!"

Um, where did ANYBODY say anything that could be interpreted in this manner? I just asked why Ann didn't mention a major fact that clearly contradicted her seriously lame editorial. And, aside from the Fox News Fantasy World in which you live, where did ANYONE claim that winning the popular vote is the same as winning the electoral vote?

You see, this is why it's dangerous to use nonsensical conservative talking points to form real political opinions. Conservative talking points are for entertainment purposes only.

Anyways, anonymous, spy-smasher, let us know when you are ready to start caring more about your country than for your narrow, failed ideology. We will welcome you. And we will forgive you. Jesus teaches forgiveness.

(I know conservatives like to think that liberals are atheists, but that's because conservatives get all their information about liberals from other conservatives. And conservatives, as a rule, are a delusional bunch. Its very difficult to have any respect for their childish beliefs.)

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