The Items Listed Below Are Required For Vice President Cheney's Downtime Suite. Contact The Advance Office, 202-456-9006, With Any Questions.
Four (4) cans Diet Caffeine Free Sprite with bubbles stirred out.
72-oz. steak (no charge if The Vice President finishes it).
Wall of TVs tuned to FOX News.
Monaural phonograph; vinyl recording of latest Paul Harvey broadcast.
Bed of money.
Throne. Orb. Scepter.
One (1) barrel of light sweet crude.
One (1) fist-sized rock of Green Kryptonite.
Thermostat set to 98.6 degrees, all windows open.
Magazines: Oil Fancy, Authority Today, Spin.
One (1) beer with lunch; assortment of bullets, shells and shot.
Ambulance with full EMT staff (three shifts).
Four (4) maximum doses of every prescription drug currently manufactured.
Solid gold urinal.
Precautionary evacuation of one (1) nearby hospital.
Food taster (blindfolded, or blind).
The Maltese Falcon.
Go fuck yourself.
Balcony from which The Vice President can gaze down at America.
Transcripts of all telephone calls going into and out of Hotel.
Transfer of all Hotel service contracts to Kellogg Brown & Root.
One (1) zany, bumbling Hotel Employee to repeatedly enrage the Vice President. After several increasingly hilarious encounters, the Employee is to deliver a heartbreaking speech about his good intentions, giving the Vice President a chance to show that he's secretly just an old softie. (Warning: this does not mean The Vice President will tolerate the antics of escaped chimpanzees.)
Cone of Silence.
One hooded quail on a box, electrical wires attached to its talons.
If wife is present: Nothing extra. She'll be fine.
If wife is absent: Angie Dickinson.
If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the suite, that would be a very good idea. The Vice President and his wife are registered at General Dynamics.