America's Enemies

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research... CREATING HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS!!!

President George W. Bush
State Of The Union, 2006

With so much pro-hybee drivel circulating, it's sadly important to reinforce the obvious: hybrids are a menace. Examples:

DR. OCTOPUS - Not genetically a human/animal hybrid, but close enough. His super-strong arms of telescoping metal exemplify the horrific potential of science unleavened by a humbling belief in God. He has no place in my America; what about yours?

THE WOLF MAN -- An ancient verse cautions, "Even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night/Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the moon is full and bright." His bite is more than a weapon of destruction. It is a recruitment tool that can transform good people of every noble faith into murderers who serve evil.

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU -- We need to secure our borders while supporting their right to win their own freedom. I hope one day our nation will be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Island of Dr Moreau.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST -- Americans do not believe in a definition of marriage that recognizes the union of a woman and a monster.


DR. ZAIUS -- Orangutans and their militant gorilla allies seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the world. But our enemies and our friends can be certain: the United States will never surrender to apes.

PAUL GIAMATTI -- What is he supposed to be, anyway? I get the human part, but I don't recognize the other half.