Friday, August 26, 2005

"Go To Hell"

I know you're sick of hearing "Slate this" and "Slate that," but I have to tell you the best thing about writing something for them. It's that each piece gets instant reader response on its own page in their forum, The Fray. I'll let my fans speak for themselves:

What kind of sick shit is this?

This isn't even mildly entertaining. The hatred leftists seem to possess for Christians is apparently endless. And this coming from the party that wants all discrimination to end. You are pathetic two-faced idiots that are in the end, going to pair-up with the radical Islamists to kill us all. Go to hell.
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Not very funny Laymo. The Lord kisses up to no one. Every knee shall bow to HIM in heaven and in earth. And btw i do have a sense of humor.
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I didn't know Slate hired 13-yr.-olds!

You have violated the first rule of good writing: write about what you know. This is especially true for satire. For satire to work at all, you need to know something about what you're mocking.

You've got the politics right, but your total lack of understanding of Christianity renders your piece a satire on your own POOR JOURNALISM.

As a political progressive and a teacher, I am sickened by your middle school level attempt at humor. I suggest you go back to journalism school(assuming you've been there at all) or go smoke a joint with Jayson Blair.

JERK.
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It made me want to vomit, and I am not a right wing Christian!
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There were favorable ones, too, but why bore you?

Oh, and this morning, I got the following e-mail from David Grace of Hackensack, NJ:
What if Satan spoke at a Democratic Party fund-raiser?

TRANSCRIPT OF SATAN'S REMARKS AT A DEMOCRATIC PARTY FUND-RAISER, BOSTON, MA, AUGUST 2005

Thank you. And thank you for that heart felt introduction Mr. Dean. (UPRORIOUS CHEERS) Really, I appreciate it. Howard, I really like the way you scream! (CONTINUED CHEERS) Thank you. No really, I'm going to have a hard time torturing all of you for eternity after a welcome like this. Now will all of you please sit down, and shut the f**k up! (LAUGHTER)
David's piece continues in Comments...

19 comments:

David Grace said...

I want to begin by expressing my gratitude for your enthusiastic support of my efforts over these past years. It's nice to know I'm among friends. (APPLAUSE)

Ladies and Gentlemen let me begin by saying, George Bush is a f***ing d*ck! (STANDING OVATION) And we're gonna take America back! (LONG FEMALE VOICE SCREAMS OUT) Take it back! Take it back! (CHANTS) Take it back!

My fellow Democrats, the poll numbers are in, and the numbers are good -- Christian bashing is at an all-time high-and I couldn't have done it without you! (STANDING OVATION)

Fellow Democrats, I want to tell you that abortions are still being carried out in high numbers - perhaps not as high as we would like - but we are not going to stop our efforts to increase availability and procedures as much as possible! (APPLAUSE)

It's been a long time since I fell from Heaven. But I rose up. He didn't kill me then, and HE won't kill me now! (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) Yeah, I've seen a lot of changes over the years. I've seen them come, and I've seen them go. But the support you people are giving me now is the best I've ever had. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) I want to especially thank the ACLU for their hard effort to bring real justice to the American people - and its enemies too. I always believed in fairness. (APPLAUSE) I also want to give a special shout-out to WLIB radio! (APPLAUSE) Thank you to all of you on the Left, who have allowed me to have more influence in the party. You give me hope.

Isn't the Christian right stupid? (CHEERS) Those ignorant red state Bible thumpers voted George W. Bush into office. (BOOS) But he's not MY president! Is he yours? (CHEERS) Hell no! Hell no! Hell No! (CHANT CONTINUES)

Howard Dean asked me to come down here today to meet with you and motivate you for victory! And so far, I like the enthusiasm I see. You see, it takes that kind of effort! It takes that kind of enthusiasm to counter the moronic right. You have to get in their face with spittle. You have to scream at them. You have to show them how stupid they are. Don't stop the protests! Don't stop the questioning! Don't stop the truth! We have to show these Christian bigots we're not putting up with their cr@p anymore! (APPLAUSE)

Finally-I just want to leave you with this - something I said a long time ago. I will give you all this domain and its glory. If you worship before me, it shall all be yours. Together, we can build a better America. One that is free from haters like Jerry Faldwell and Pat Robertson. Keep up the good work. Keep fighting. And have some sympathy for me, will ya? (STANDING OVATION.)

El Duque said...

Superfrankenstein,

Up next:

REMARKS BY ALLAH DURING THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE SEASON OPENER PRE-GAME SHOW TO TERRY BRADSHAW, HOWIE LONG AND JIMMY JOHNSON.


REMARKS BY L. RON HUBBARD IN THE FARM & HOME CHICKEN BARN EXHIBIT DURING SENIORS DAY AT THE GREAT 2005 NEW YORK STATE FAIR.

We're on to something.

Jason said...

Superfrankenstein -

This "article" that you maybe or maybe not "learned" to "write" in "journalism school" or maybe "some" writing "workshop" is highly inaccurate and shows poor skills as a "journalist" with writing "skills" and maybe "other" skills.

We ALL know that if Jesus WAS to come back, he would not speak at a Republican convention but instead would come again in honor to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom would have no end. Your article is poorly researched - you should have read Revelations or the Letters from Paul before writing this slop. I do not know where you did your research but it sounds like you got most of it from The Book of Michael Moore!

I already sent a letter to your editor and suggested you be fired and smited or else he'll soon have another Dan Rather on his hands.

JERK!

Elayne said...

Good grief, I have a headache from reading all the "air quotes" in the above comment!

As mentioned to you in email, this piece is getting very favorable response from lefty bloggers with a sense of humor.

SquirrelBoy4 said...

David Grace; you're an idiot. Take a joke you asshole. Now let's all relax and go smoke a joint with Jayson Blair & Jesus Himself. I'll bring a gallon of Aquafina, Jesus will do that 'voodoo He does so well', and we'll all get bombed!

"crusher" said...

I'll drink to that!!

Mike said...

Hey, the Satan riposte was reasonable, I thought, and it's good in that it gives pause for thought.

I try to be very clear in my objection to the politically active Christian right that my problem is not with the religion on its own, but with its determination to impose its will on all people. You know. Like the politically active Muslims like bin Laden, or the politically active Christians in Belfast.

I do have to comment that I have always had a hard time taking the real nut job Christian rightists seriously because they couldn't seem to spell or speak English correctly. I know. That makes me elitist. But I have to admit I doubled over in laughter when I read your critic's reference to Jerry "Faldwell."

Ultimately, it's probably likely that neither side will get the point of your piece or the response piece... that we're mixing the wrong things in with politics.

*sigh*

Let's go out and do something Christian. Got the right weapons for taking out Hugo Chavez?

Anonymous said...

"As mentioned to you in email, this piece is getting very favorable response from lefty bloggers with a sense of humor."

Both of them!

Rev. Ewing said...

You SUCK!

God will punish you!!

You FUCKHEAD!!

Sincerely yours,

Rev. Jonathan Ewing
Calvary Baptist Church
Barnwell, S.C.

DastardlyDave said...

Squirrelboy...as you lie engulfed in your clowd of smoke and vomit, Satan will smote your ruin upon the mountainside!!!

DastardlyDave said...

I have a hard time taking the Left seriously. Of course, it isn't because of their use of the English language. It is in their lack of substantive argument, their brand of moral relativism, and in their inablity to be anything but a sniping, vapid, and insipid minority. All reasons the DNC will continue to be, and be increasingly more, a minority party. And not a credible alternative for most Americans.

Superfrankenstein said...

Sniping + vapid + insipid = SEXY!

batfatty said...

This proves that SOMETIMES teasing the 'tards is doing the Lord's work.

Keep it up, Superfrankenstein!

Batfatty.

Goody said...

I want Dastardly Dave to define 'moral relativism' right now, in his own words. Because I don't think he actually knows what it means, and only heard while stroking it to Ann Coulter, or more terrifyingly: Sean Hannity.

phismi said...

So, are the reactionary religious rightists (I refuse to dignify them by calling them Christian) who prowl the internet looking for opportunities to be offended on the 700 Club payroll, or are they crazy for free?

Jim Chadwick said...

Dastardly Dave: Please explain to me the connection between the DNC and Superfrankenstein. Do you know something we don't? Is Tom Peyer a paid flunky of Howard Dean? I want the facts behind this grand conspiracy by the left.

Jim Chadwick said...

You know what I always find funny? It's how one of the popular, current criticisms of the left by the right is that the left has no sense of humor. And then someone writes a piece like this, and people on the right start frothing at the mouth with claims of hatred, unfairness and prejuidice. Who's not laughing now?

Anonymous said...

Good point. If there are people on the right with no sense of humor, that must prove that not all people on the left don't have a sense of humor... wait, what?

Russell P. said...

Just catchin up on this whole Slate fracas--which I thought was pretty funny, Tom...

But, anyway, am I the only one who seems to have noticed that the "you got Christianity wrong" criticism strikes me as a bit similar to objections one would hear from Continuity Nerds in the world of comics?

Plus, the mockery was more aimed at Compassionate Conservatism's use of The Good Book as defense for its politics than Christianity as a whole, no?

Either way, it just struck me as funny that if you replaced every use of the word "Jesus" with "Superman," it'd feel right at home.