CHRIST!

Cartoons about Jesus as today's fundamentalists see him.

SELFISH & USELESS

Not all comics people are selfish and useless. I am, of course, but Ryan Estrada isn't:

I recently spent 6 days volunteering in Bang Tao, Thailand. It was an amazingly powerful trip that prompted me to quit my job the day I got back so I could return to help some more.

Ryan's the guy who made the 72-page comic in under 72 hours awhile back, so we already know he's capable of what a comics writer would call "feats." Anyway, he's doing cartoons about the cartoon he's living, and the first one is awfully good.

GQ JOE

#10 - Matt (left) wears another simple plain but elegant black sweater that could be used on many missions. - $9.95

#11 - Jose (center) wears an ivory fisher-knit sweater with helix pattern on front, and plain in back. - $9.95

#12 - Joe (right) is wearing a grey sweater with dual rope pattern down the front and back. $9.95

Sweaters for GI Joes

[Via MonkeyFilter]

"I'll Call You"

Greg Evigan (Prime Time's Sexiest Dad!) will call you--LIVE!--for $19.95!

BOMBED.JAMES BOMBED.

The Vesper
(from Casino Royale)

• Three measures of Gordon’s gin
• One measure of vodka (preferably a Russian grain vodka)
• Half a measure of Lillet Blanc

Shake very well until ice-cold. Pour in a deep champagne goblet, and add a large thin slice of lemon-peel.

What exactly does James Bond drink? Make Mine A 007...

I Call His Hat

So how's he doing? Don't ask me! Ask Pope Watch!

SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE!

This SHOCK GIBSON story is the pure, uncut stuff.

Also great: "Shock" Gibson And The Room Of Death!

Satan's Laundromat

THEY FIGHT CRIME!

He's a scrappy coffee-fuelled cowboy on the run. She's a man-hating renegade opera singer who hides her beauty behind a pair of thick-framed spectacles. They Fight Crime! [Thanks to Russell H.]

Who Can Save You Now?

Unfortunately for all of us, Sam Hughes (pictured above) has been thinking.

For the purposes of what I hope to be a technically and scientifically accurate document, I will define our goal thus: by any means necessary, to render the Earth into a form in which it may no longer be considered a planet.

How To Destroy The Earth [Via]

BEDFELLOWS

Regular visitors know God's Guide To The Hot Parts, the fundamentalist "action project" that fights Hollywood smut by describing it until you're a burning volcano.

Some of you might remember its literary cousin, God's Guide To The Hot Parts: Special Book Unit, which republishes the filthy passages from novels--and only the filthy passages.

If you thought those sites took ministry to its XXX-rated limits--that evangelism has hit some kind of porno barrier that it can never cross--think again. As the world coarsens and nastifies, so do its preachers and watchdogs. It's hard to imagine anything worse than The Hot Part's Guy's descriptions of movies--or Hot Parts: SBU's book excerpts--but an outfit called Parents Television Council figured it out.

Actual clips.

From actual TV shows.

Objectionable TV shows.

These swingers have what you want and they're eager to show it off, right here.

SOMEBODY DIES!

The very popular Superman Is A Dick has a new home and a broader mission. Just so you know: I don't personally believe that Superman is a dick.

PSYCHEZOIC!

Made-up animals at the b3ta zoo. [Thanks to Devin Grayson.]

Fear and Loathing in Hell

Save me a hot place, Hunter S. Thompson, and give my best to Nixon.

HOWL

Visionary Beat poetry...

dynamite protruding from male anus (clothed)
a man grabbing the breasts of a woman
thanking God for a scantily clad woman falling into the man's arms
women as display toys, dancing with open shirts (bras exposed)

...or fundamentalist Christian movie criticism? God's Guide To The Hot Parts tackles Son Of The Mask! Only The Hot Parts Guy could make me want to see it!

FIGHT!!!

1. Masked Mormon vs. The Sluttress
2. The Average Avenger vs. The Nefarious Pat of Butter
3. Madame Kick-Ass vs. The Iron Nose
4. Kid Tantrum vs. The Self-Important Bohemian

...And 46 more at The Absolute Bottom 50 Super-Hero Rivalries!
[Via Nielalien]

Commissioner Gordon Quote Of The Week

"Yes indeed, saints preserve us if the Caped Crusaders have gone crooked! Which, apparently, they have!"




Episode 90
"Caught In The Spider's Den"

I'm back. Sorry. It took me a couple of days to take care of some business that suddenly came up involving an alias of mine, Jeff Gannon. I think it's finally blown over and I can get back to:

The Threefold Mission Of SUPERFRANKENSTEIN
1) To laugh at the same comics everyone else has been ridiculing for 45 years.

2) To find ways to mention that Bush cronies, religious fundamentalists and corporate vampires still outrage me, in case you assume my opinions changed since yesterday.

3) To try to seem contemporary--like when your Dad praises "the hip-hop music"--by linking to some creepy website five minutes before you would have found it on your own.

So... apropos of 1), yesterday I found myself bantering with Mark Waid about Jack Kirby's cover of FANTASTIC FOUR #1:


This is one of the three most reprinted, swiped, traced and homaged covers in history. To comics fans, it's as familiar as Dave Barry's next punchline. So I practically got chest pains when Waid noticed something that I'd never seen, or heard mentioned, before. Hitting the very dregs of our decades-long conversation. we got down to Reed Richards' word balloon:

IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN ROPES TO KEEP MISTER FANTASTIC OUT OF ACTION!

And Waid said:

So... did the monster tie him up?

SUPER-EXILE

Like Superboy, SUPERFRANKENSTEIN no longer exists on earth until I get a significant amount of writing done. I'll be back in a couple of days. Until then, if you absolutely can't live without self-flattering opinions, geriatric cultural references and pointless internet time-wasters, I recommend Metafilter.

Flipping The Purple Bird

At The Nation, a typically excellent column from Naomi Klein on the Iraqi election:

The election results are in: Iraqis voted overwhelmingly to throw out the US-installed government of Iyad Allawi, who refused to ask the United States to leave. A decisive majority voted for the United Iraqi Alliance; the second plank in the UIA platform calls for "a timetable for the withdrawal of the multinational forces from Iraq."

[...]

So will the people who got all choked up watching Iraqis flock to the polls support these democratically chosen demands? Please. "You don't set timetables," George W. Bush said four days after Iraqis voted for exactly that.

Mwah!

Valentine's Day is no longer just a commercial holiday; it's a civil rights anniversary:

For four weeks last winter, between Feb. 12 and March 11, about 4,000 same-sex couples obtained marriage licenses at [San Francisco's] city hall.

Happy Anniversary--to all.

Meanwhile, perhaps fearing that we'll inevitably celebrate 2/14 for all the right reasons, something called the Liberty Counsel is trying to turn V-Day into something called Day of Purity. Heh. Good luck.

This year--and by "this year" I mean today--you can download, print and give the Valentine that started all the trouble between Lisa and Ralph, thanks to Geoff Stearns at deconcept.

Write your own ©andy Hearts (well, pictures of candy hearts) at ©ryptogram...

...and at The ACME Heart Maker. This one allows only eight characters but, as you can see, it doesn't censor objectionable content.

CRIB OF STEEL

Superman again. I guess it's his week. From the very funny Superman's Fortress Of Solitude by Rick Stoeckel, at McSweeney's:

...He throws the crystal. It spins like a dagger, cutting the icy winds, until it lands with force and precision, sinking into the core of the area that will become the Fortress of Solitude. Now I wait, Superman thinks.

After several hours of standing and watching and witnessing nothing happening, Superman takes out the crystal's instruction booklet...

LEGO Fortress from Peter's LEGO web site. More pix there.

Commissioner Gordon Quote Of The Week

"Most true surfers are known as Duke, Skip, Rabbit, or Buzzy!"





Episode 104
"Surf's Up, Joker's Under"

Christmas With The Super-Heroes

3AM, Christmas Day 2004: Don costumes. Go to burger van. Encounter food shortage. Beat a man's face in. (I may have left a step or two out, glug-glug.)
[Thanks to The Mighty Layman.]

Thanks...

...to Mike Sterling's Progressive Ruin and the temporarily grumpy Dorian's (postmodernbarney.com) for pluggin' ol' Supafrank. Confidential to Mike: watch who you're calling "esteemed."

STOP IT, PRANKSTER

Superman Is A Dick, an argument in covers, at National Lampoon.

Chris Appelhans' New Superman Animated Short.

Losing Lois Lane, a 20-minute comedy, at iFilm.

FAST & GOOD

Ryan Estrada, who last month created a 72-page comic in under 72 hours, planned to top it with a 96/96 comic this weekend. Instead, he went to Thailand to help rebuild some houses that were totalled by the tsunami. He's also selling books and original art for the cause.

Meanwhile, Bez spent much of this week making a 100 page comic in 100 hours (that's 15% of it in the picture above). He'll let you see it for a donation to tsunami relief.

Snitch Squeals On Rat

Watergate snitch John Dean says: the secret identity of Watergate snitch Deep Throat will come out soon because he's near death. That narrows it down.
[Thanks to El Duque]

Wha...?

I learned tonight--to my distress--that, since I messed up the template and turned all the greens to blacks and reds, computers running Windows can't see the big SUPERFRANKENSTEIN logo up top. I can't tell you how much this bothers me. Seriously. What causes a blog title to turn invisible? And what can one do about it? Does anyone know?

Blucky

Weight Watchers recipe cards from 1974, via Steve Coker. Don't miss the orifice-watering Frankfurter Spectacular.

KILL BILLVOL. 3

The New York Daily News reports:

Bill O'Reilly's sexual harassment nightmare continues - in front of a prime-time audience.

That's because tonight's episode of "Law & Order" bears a striking resemblance to O'Reilly's own troubles with a former producer, which resulted in the woman walking away with a boat-load of money.

Plus, he's the murder victim. Sounds like fun!

"...And He Plays Like Kenny G."

I have to remember to watch Larry King Live more often. Nobody's exactly jumping up and down that he's here, but I have a feeling we'll miss him when he's gone. Last night: questions for Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest from American Idol. Here are some highlights, courtesy of CNN Transcripts.

PAULA SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT

KING: ...And Paula Abdul, judge on "American Idol," recording artist has sold more than 30 albums, and winner of a Grammy, Emmy and MTV award. [...]

SEACREST: You won all of those? That's great, sorry. That's the first time I've heard all of those.

ABDUL: Over 40 million.

SEACREST: Wow.

KING: Forty million.

SEACREST: Put that down on the card.

KING: We got it wrong.

ABDUL: I have two Emmys.

LARRY SAVES THE DAY

KING: La Palma, California, hello.

CALLER: Hi. My question is for Ryan. I know you say you haven't gone in for the Botox shots. But I want to find out if it's true that you enjoyed the buttocks injection?

SEACREST: Yes. I haven't heard that one, but not a lot of experience in that area.

KING: By the way, someone called in and said, now, this was just was someone, that they saw you with Teri Hatcher.

LARRY SHOWS HIS AGE

KING: By the way, I know anyone can show up for audition, clarinet players, right? Must you be a singer to be on "American Idol?"

SEACREST: To be on, to make it, yes. To show up, no. It's an open call. If you think you're...

KING: What if you had a guy come in with a clarinet, he came in front of you and he plays like Kenny G. What do you say to him?

SEACREST: We say that you're fantastic.

Of course, "Larry Shows His Age" is a nightly feature of Larry King Live. I'm sure we'll get a good one tonight when Larry talks to Great White and burn survivors!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Cleverly chosen pages from Big Little Books at Lileks.

A.H.O.Y. WINNER

The ex-rummy or Rummy? Go see.

Sexy Boy

Over at Comic Book resources, The Mighty Layman snaps and posts Emerald City Comicon's 20 Most Fabulous Drinkers, or something like that.

Here's Layman's blog, your source for cat pictures and lies about yours truly (apparently, I broke both his jaw and his iPod in the same week).

STRANGE HATS

Bought Action Comics #275, April, 1961, at the Emerald City Comicon. I'll let reporter Lois Lane fill you in on the effects of the poison cocktail of Red and Green K:

NOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING! THAT RAY HAS AFFECTED HIS MIND SO THAT HE'S FORCED TO WEAR STRANGE HATS, AND DO HIS SUPER-JOBS ACCORDING TO THE WAY PEOPLE WHO WEAR THOSE HATS ACT!

Well-put, Miss Lane... but hardly accurate. Do a little digging and you might learn that Superman is acting hat-crazy only to conceal the fantastic TRUE effect of Red and Green K!

Since my comic book and I were at the Comicon, I got Action Comics writer Gail Simone to read it. Cross your fingers; we may see more hat stories!

Gone conventioning (glug-glug); probably won't indulge my sickness for posting until Monday. If you're in town, stop by Sunday; I'll be subbing for the ailing Mark Waid on the "Pro"--or "Earth-Boltinoff"--Team in the "Secret Infinite Trivia Contest Of Forbidden Champions." So while the Brian Bendises and Gail Simones enrapture fans with teasing hints of their exciting new projects, I'll be bickering with teammates Roy Thomas and Kurt Busiek about the exact punctuation of Johnny Thunder's super-speed formula. I fear this is comics' way of chasing me onto an ice floe and kicking it out to the frigid sea. Goodbye.

DIRTY JERSEY GIRLGod's Guide To The Hot Parts--the web ministry that tries to impose a sexless, gay-hating morality upon the world by describing filth in hot detail--finally reviewed Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. Three things stand out. One: The Hot Parts Sidebar usually lists images that offend/arouse The Hot Parts Guy, but this is a Smith movie, so it's nearly all dialogue. Two: The Hot Parts Guy singled this scene out:

Not even yet knowing how to change a diaper since grandpa had been doing it until now, Ollie made quite a mess with the talcum powder not only on Gertie but on his nice dark suit as well ... moments before a key presentation to dozens of writers. That scene may sound like a chuckle-maker, especially for all the dads reading this, but Smith decided to use a real baby. A real nude baby. In several shots. While seeing a nude baby is an inevitable and necessary part of bringing up baby, this event was in and as entertainment. I really suspect the views could have been prepared more morally tasteful.

Three: he cites, as an example of "Sexual Immorality:"

• child lifting dress when rising from commode

Aside to The Hot Parts Guy's neighbors: if he offers to babysit, make something up.

1000 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall
The 1000 Bars Guy made The NY Post. He's Dan Freeman, 60, of Brooklyn. The Post asked him if he consulted a doctor before undertaking his mission to drink in 1,000 bars in 2005. He laughed and said, "If I was going to start smoking, would I consult my doctor?"

He's up to 161 Bars.

BARBIE, ASSASSINArriving in March: Barbie As Elektra, brought to my attention by AGENT DOUBLE-4, who says it's "wrong."

THIS SPAM,
THIS MONSTER!
COMICS' OWN NIGERIAN SCAM
I swear I got this e-mail last night:

Subject: BECOME THE PUBLISHER OF CBA COMICS.
Date: 2/2/05, 6:08 PM
From: ola frank
To:

HELLO. DEAR...

CREATIVE BEST ACTION COMICS[CBA]IS A JOINT PARTNERSIHP BUSINESS BASECALLY ON AFRICAN COMICS,WE CREATEED SERIES OF COMICS AND CHARACTERS AND NONE OF THIS PRODUCTS HAS BEEN PUBLISH EXCEPT,[ THE MAGNIFICENT- 3] WHICH WE PUBLISHED FEW YEARS BACK.

THESE STUPENDIOUS RANGE OF PRODUCT IS BEST REFFERED AS THE MOST ADVENTOUS AND INTERESRTING COMIC BOOK YOU CAN EVER THINK OF AS FAR AS NIGERIA IS CONCERN AND EVEN AFRICA AT LARGE.

WE SABBLED INTO COMIC INDUSTRY,EXPERCIALLY ON AFRICAN COMICS BECAUSE OF OUR ADVANCE BESTOED UNCONVENTIONAL TALENTS ,WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE ON AFRICAN CULTURERAL HERITAGE.

AS A RESULT OF INSUFFICIENT FACILITIES TO EXCEL WE DESIDED TO SELL OFF SOME OFF OUR PRDUCTS OR TO GO INTO CONTRACT WITH ANY INTERESTING PUBLISHER,

IF YOU CARE TO BUY SOME OF THIS COMIC BOOKS OR TO BECOME THE ORIGINAL PUBLISH PLEASE DO NOT HERSITATE TO CONTACT ME ON THE ADDRESS BELOW.

YOU ARE 100 PER, FREE TO ASK ANY QUESTION OR ANY PROVE YOU WISHE'S TO HAVE THAT WILL CONVINCE YOU TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS MAIL.

THANK YOU.

NOTE!!! IF YOU WILL LIKE TO SEE SOME OF OUR MANNUAL DRAW AS A SAMPLE OF OUR WORK WE ARE ALSO READY TO DELIEVER THEM TO YOU WITH A DUE LEGAL PROCESS

THANKS.

FRANK , (CEO),
CREATIVE BEST ACTION COMICS.

FOR MORE DETAILS CONTACT FRANK O THIS..ADDRESS ,[address],OR call.[number].

Have Nigerian scammers started doing market research? Did someone target me because of my whole, you know, comics thing?

Or wait a minute. Could this possibly be for real? It's far-fetched, but what if I'm foolishly dismissing a life-changing opportunity?

Shut up and let me think!

BOLDLY GONE

After 18 years--150 if you count the feature films--the planet Earth drifts into a mysterious Star Trekless universe. I'll miss the comfort of knowing it's there while I watch something else. More than that, I'll miss the Emergency Panic Story Meetings: "Let's make it like September 11th--but sexy!" So they put out a press release, you turn it on to see what's changed, and once again it's two crew members trapped in a cave. Adieu, Star Trek!

THE FATAL FIVE

A.H.O.Y.* finalists' Fun Facts!

*A.H.O.Y. is a global unpopularity poll. The results are in for 2004 and they're being announced at a sluggish pace packaged as "suspense." The 2005 site will be up soon.

Your Portrait...

...with a Galaxy Of Clones...


...with Stevie Nicks...

...as a character from the Star Trek cartoons!

Extra Bonus Creativity:

Early Saturday morning. Summer. Steve is still trying to sleep. He turns his head and looks at the clock. 7 a.m. The music of summer has woken him up. Lawnmowers, edge trimmers and hedge clippers. His neighbors are certainly out and about early this morning. Which reminds him. He has to cut the grass too, and trim the hedges. He lies on his back with his arm over his eyes. Oh Lord. Looking out of the window it is a beautiful day. Sunny and blue skies. He rather go fishing he thinks to himself. But he has a lot of work to do. Journey has kept him very busy...

Steve Perry Fan Fiction!