Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Old Order Changeth


DJ Dylan, Olbermann, Pa Kent

MP3s of Bob Dylan's XM Radio show. They take a little patience to download, but they're worth it... Transcript of Keith Olbermann's stirring rebuttal to Rumsfeld... During an appearance with Laura Bush, a US Senator says terrorists "drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night"... Pa Kent dies.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Improving Efficiency

AUGUST 8, 2006: Ned Lamont defeats longtime incumbent Senator Joe Lieberman in tight Connecticut Democratic primary, striking a blow to the so-called “Bush agenda” and to the appeasement politics of Lieberman and the Democratic Leadership Council.

AUGUST 10, 2006: Pakistan arrests the brother of a terrorist suspect, forcing a British operation to prematurely close on a terror investigation.* In “response,” U.S. officials tighten up security at airports nationwide, banning deadly Clairol products from carry-on luggage.

RESULT: No more news coverage of Ned Lamont.


AUGUST 17, 2006: President Bush is ordered to cease the NSA wiretapping program by a federal judge, who declares it unconstitutional. From the judge’s statement: "It was never the intent of the (constitutional) framers to give the president such unfettered control, particularly when his actions blatantly disregard the parameters clearly enumerated in the Bill of Rights.”

AUGUST 17, 2006: American expat schoolteacher and clear looney tune Mark Karr is arrested in Bangkok for the 10-year-old murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Karr is inexplicably extradited to the U.S. in custody of the Department of Homeland Security, which has no jurisidiction over ordinary domestic murder cases.

RESULT: No more news coverage of NSA wiretap judgment.

PROBLEM/SOLUTION RESPONSE TIME: less than three hours.

* There’s some evidence that American officials were trying to force the British to make the arrests the preceding week -- which would have driven the Lieberman/Lamont race off the radar before the election. But clearly, as the President said this week in New Orleans, “a government…fell short of its responsibilities.”

Fox News Alert

The laughter has definitely gone out of Joe Piscopo's marriage now that the former "Saturday Night Live" star and wife Kimberly are divorcing.

A Hunterdon County (N.J.) Family Court judge issued temporary restraining orders to both spouses on Monday after they each alleged domestic abuse.
Piscopo Split Gets Ugly, New York Daily News

Monday, August 28, 2006

Ramseys Guilty Again

Prosecutors: Karr Won't Be Charged In JonBenet Case

Congratulations, Mr. Burns

...[W]ages and salaries now make up the lowest share of the nation’s gross domestic product since the government began recording the data in 1947, while corporate profits have climbed to their highest share since the 1960’s. UBS, the investment bank, recently described the current period as “the golden era of profitability.”
Productivity up, wages down [NY Times link]

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Curricula Dentata

Somebody on one of the comments threads asked, “Who the fuck is Stuart Moore?” I’m always happy to turn a rude but understandable question into an opportunity for shameless self-promotion -- and since my grandmother always said, “Say it with hyperlinks,” here we go:

I’m primarily a comic book writer. I write FIRESTORM monthly for DC Comics. Young Jason Rusch has all the power in the universe -- and a family life straight from hell. You can read up on the character here , and discuss the book here and here .

I’ve written a variety of other material for DC recently, including LEGION OF SUPERHEROES, JLA ADVENTURES, and a four-part arc of JSA CLASSIFIED featuring the immortal villain Vandal Savage. I have a two-part BATMAN story in the works, too.

In November, Marvel will publish my PUNISHER X-MAS SPECIAL . It’s called “The List” -- the Punisher’s “naughty” list, that is. Probably the darkest, most nihilistic thing I’ve written. Fun!

October sees the start of EARTHLIGHT , a series of graphic novels from Tokyopop. This is an intense high school drama set on Earth’s first moon colony, with a nasty twist to volume 1. Tokyopop has already picked up volume 2; I’ve recently completed the script. You can read the first chapter online here .

I’m also writing STARGATE ATLANTIS comics for Avatar Press. The first issue of WRAITHFALL, our initial three-part miniseries, is on sale now. Driven by guilt, Major Sheppard endangers an entire alien race in his quest to wipe out the energy-vampires called the Wraith. Not just your average tie-in comic -- I was given remarkable freedom here, and I’m very proud of the results.

I also write prose. Games Workshop will publish REALITY BITES , my second Dark Future novel, in October (U.K.)/November (U.S.). In this one, freelance lawman Batton MacKay follows the trail of a creature called the Chimera Dentata to a bizarre reality show that used to be the country of Paraguay. Near-future satirical action-adventure.

The first MacKay novel, AMERICAN MEAT , is available now.

And I have a novella called “Chaotic Response” in CONSTELLATIONS , Pocket Books’s 40th anniversary Star Trek anthology. Kirk must rescue Spock from a trap within the Vulcan’s own mind, while the ship faces a deadly Klingon barrage. I tried to write a real classic Kirk/Spock/McCoy story here, and I think it came out pretty well. That’ll be out in September.

I’ve also been a book editor, a kitchen worker, a recreation counselor, an award-winning comics editor, and the nighttime manager of the Lawrenceville, N.J. Woolworth's curtain department.

So that’s who the fuck Stuart Moore is! Right now, anyway. Next month I’ll probably be someone else.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

From the Book of Luke

luke_cage_40_detailThe Essential Luke Cage, Power Man, Volume 2 came out this week. An important reminder to the world that NOBODY LAUGHS AT MISTER FISH!

Most of this volume is written by Don McGregor, Marv Wolfman, and Chris Claremont, with some pinch-hitting by Bill Mantlo. Here are a few sample Luke Lines:

"CHRISTMAS! The walls are turnin' to MOLASSES! Which means CHEMISTRO'S gotta be here!"

"I remember somethin' REED RICHARDS told me when I was in the FF -- 'bout how water SHORTS OUT 'lectricity."

"That CHECKS IT, man! You been doin' a lot of heavy TALKIN', but all I dig is the POWER you been THROWIN' AROUND. Now maybe I HAVE been JIVED, like you been sayin' -- but YOU threw the FIRST PUNCH, Jack!"

And the chillingly prescient:

"Privacy? What's THAT, Noah? Didn't they pass an amendment AGAINST THAT or somethin'?"

Of course, Luke doesn't have a monopoly on slang in this book. Check out this random subway motorman from the story "Big Brother Wants You...Dead!":

"SWEET SAINTED MOTHER O'MERCY! Y'blasted MacGUFFIN! There's NAE WAY I can be STOPPIN' this thingy in TIME! NAE WAY, MAN!"

Cage manages to avoid the rampaging subway train, after which the pimp-like character C.C. reports in: "Our Man CAGE is a-LIVE an' JIVIN'!"

And we wouldn't have it any other way. Sweet Sister!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Seely & Rumsfeld Break Up?

The morning's e-mail brings this from Seely, author of Pieces Of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry Of Donald Rumsfeld:

I'm calling Rummy out, mano a nano, in today's LA Times.
And so he does.

Sad Little Twins

Sad Twins
Don't be sad, little twins.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Survivor Acknowledges Race, America Shits Self

I'd watch Segregated Survivor every week if they were honest enough to start the White Tribe off with an air conditioned mansion, a freezer full of food, a fleet of Hummers and a police force.

Logic Is Little Tweeting Bird

I promise I’ll post something political soon so the wingnut commentators can hurry up and get busy calling me gay. (Isn’t that funny?) But here’s another weird snippet from life first:

I like to warm up my brain in the morning by doing Logic Problems -- you know, the weird things with the clues and the charts that you find in brainier magazine outlets, crowding those mouth-breathing Word Searches off the racks. Now, I’m well aware that I’m probably the only human under age eighty -- and male -- with a Logic Problem habit. And most of the puzzles are written with that audience in mind: stories about shopping, medieval ladies, or weird throwbacks to ‘50s America.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed a strange evolution -- one that leads me to believe a new crop of writers have been enlisted to craft these anachronistic enigmas. Penny Press has a recurring series of problems involving spaceships and aliens with names like Bleeb and Coomz. But that didn’t prepare me for the last, and hence hardest, puzzle in the latest issue -- which begins like this:

“After visiting comics conventions far and wide with little success, ten collectors (including Wilfredo) turned to the Internet in order to complete their comics collections. Each person was missing a different number of issues (2 through 11) of a different comic (five of which -- The Avengers, Elektra, Fantastic Four, The Punisher, and Thunderbolts -- are published by Marvel Comics; and five of which -- Hellblazer, The Invisibles, Preacher, The Sandman, and Transmetropolitan -- are published by Vertigo Comics)…”

Not only are some of these titles pretty obscure to the general public -- Thunderbolts? -- but as an editor, I acquired three of these comics for original publication, and edited three others as well. Clearly, this puzzle was written just for me. Sadly, the editorial history of the comics wasn’t helpful in solving the puzzle -- though I did manage to solve it, finally, with a minimum of cheating.

But now I strongly suspect that Penny Press’s Logic Puzzles are being written by a hardcore comics fan -- maybe even a SuperFrankenstein reader. Anybody out there want to fess up?

While we’re waiting, here’s another clue that won’t help you solve the puzzle. THE PUNISHER XMAS SPECIAL, written by me, will go on sale November 29th. The solicitation is here .

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Getting Ass and the Library

Thank you, SuperFrankenstein. To kick things off, here’s the word from the streets where I live, yo. All quotes guaranteed overheard in downtown Brooklyn, part of the Free City of New York:

“First we’ll go get some BEER…then we’ll pick up some MEAT.”
--woman to baby in a stroller, in a sing-song voice

“I been waitin' till I got paid to buy my pants, and I ain't lettin' nobody tell me I can't get 'em.”
--teenage girl on her cell phone

“What…exactly…do you CALL YOURSELF DOIN’?”
--unmarked cop car, over loudspeaker, to other car trying to back up through a crowded intersection

And the winner:

“Like, getting ass and the library? Are, like, opposites.”
--one teenaged boy to another, outside the local branch library

No More Must Superfrankenstein Tread This Earth--ALONE.

Stuart Moore distinguished himself so well the other day with that post about Lili Taylor's ass, I conned him into sharing the whole blog. He'll post his shit, I'll post mine, and there will be more to read around here.

Stuart and I worked at DC together at the beginning of our comics careers, so it's only fitting we reunite for the launch of our decrepit years. Be nice to him. Those of you who are ever nice at all, I mean.

TEASER: More new members might join Superfrankenstein and the Monster Force in the coming days! Which one will betray the team? And which one will DIE?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Free Shit From Repressed Assholes

How to Get Free Books, CDs, and Movies from Focus on the Family—Thereby Taking Money out of the Pockets of Anti-Gay Bigots—in 12 Easy Steps! [Via Monkeyfilter]

My shopping cart:

101 Frequently Asked Questions About
Homosexuality (Book) 12.00
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (DVD) 30.00
George W. Bush: Faith in the White House (DVD) 15.00
Albert & Dee Dee Pujols: Giving Honor to God (CD) (Qty: 4) 36.00

Total shipped to Tom Peyer: $ 93.00
Your Total Donation.......... $ 0.00

Monday, August 21, 2006

Writer Stuart Moore Sees Factotum, Craves Alcohol

Yesterday, Firestorm writer Stuart Moore e-mailed me his minute-by-minute experience seeing Factotum, a new movie based on the novel by Charles Bukowski. It's about a writer who happens to enjoy a cocktail now and then, so, naturally, Stuart and I were itching to go just so we could award it four stars!

[NOTE: I'd have posted Stuart's impressions in real time, like livebloggers should, but terrorists knocked Superfrankenstein offline this weekend. They hate us because we love freedom! Anyway...]

Take it away, Stuart!


10:43 AM

Okay -- this is me "liveblogging" you on my trip to see FACTOTUM, the greatest movie in the universe, by myself at 11:00 AM on Sunday. I promise no "spoilers" (? Matt Dillon gets drunk? He loses his job?)

So far there are three other people in the audience -- and they're all old enough to have hung with Bukowski in the bad days. A weathered old guy is talking to his wife (?), and another old guy just hobbled in VERY slowly, plopped down in front of me, and pulled out a copy of THE TIN DRUM by Gunter Grass. Oh, and a nicely dressed old lady just strolled in and said sweetly, "Excuse me, what movie is this? 'FAC-TOE-TUM'?" Awesome!

My own reading of choice on the way over was Cormac McCarthy's NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, which seemed appropriate. I had a Fiendish Plan to buy a couple Budweisers and sneak them in -- they just changed the state law to allow liquor purchases on Sunday mornings! -- but I chickened out. And now I'm regretting it because the concessions stand wasn't open yet when I came in. Another regret for my middle age.

We'll see if I follow through on Fiendish Plan #2: to stand up a half hour into the film, look around in a daze, and scream, "WHERE ARE THE MOTHERFUCKIN SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE?!" Don't hold your would've worked a lot better with the Budweiser in my hand.

Shit -- I smell popcorn. More later.

[The lede buried in Stuart's report is that New York now allows liquor sales on Sunday morning. Hey, Stuart, next time I'm in town, let's do shots in church!]

11:08 AM

The theatre is having a staffing crisis. I waited ten minutes for popcorn -- then they gave it to me FREE. And all I missed was half of a short film about an animated woman and a trash can.

This is the best day of my life.

11:26 AM

This movie is hilarious. And of the 13-14 people here, I'm the only one laughing.

But I'm also the only one with FREE POPCORN, fuckers.

11:50 AM

Lili Taylor has a great ass.

[Are you sure you didn't sneak those Budweisers in, Stuart?]

12:11 PM

This movie really does catch the weird rhythm and humor of Bukowski's writing. That's not for everybody, but I'm loving it. It's also a very tricky thing to pull off.

Wish I had that Bud.

12:59 PM

Sitting in Washington Square Park, where I just ate a hot dog. I really liked the movie -- it captured a strange pace just right. Matt Dillon, Lili Taylor, & Marisa Tomei were all just right. Lili Taylor -- you just alternately wanted to hug her and slap her, which was exactly the point.

The movie's about writing, of course, as all Bukowski's work is. It (the film) doesn't really say anything you can't get from reading 20 pages of Bukowski -- and scenes that would have been shocking in 1975, when the book was published, seem like tame bits clipped from DEADWOOD or THE SOPRANOS today. But the integrity of the work, and the poetry, hold up -- for me, anyway. And apparently for the septuagenarians in the audience with me. (Though they weren't laughing much.)

I don't know if I'm a writer by Bukowski's standards. I've never starved, though I've never needed much either. (That hot dog hit the spot.) But as I walked over to sit on this bench, a puffy young NYU guy said into his cell phone, "I'm gonna start writing a play with my friend Elliot." I wish him luck, but somehow I think I'm gonna be doing this longer than him.

And so are you, SuperFrankenstein.

Enough interblogging. I need a drink!

Thanks, Stuart! Great job! I can't wait to see this movie. It sounds like Casino Royale for assholes!


Copyright © 2006 Buttshot/Hotlist Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved Unless Specifically Thrown Out The Window of a Moving Car.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Bush Library Overdue

"First Lady Laura Bush said Wednesday that she doesn't expect a decision to be made on the site for the George W. Presidential Library before at least the end of the year. " -- Associated Press, 8/16/06

Finalists include:

Southern Methodist University

Baylor University

The University of Dallas

Bob Jones University

The Louisiana Superdome


Abu Ghraib

The Skull and Bones Tomb



Spin Alley

The Watergate

The Waste Land

The War Room

The Wild, Wild West

Wall Street




Santa Land

Fantasy Island

Bohemiam Grove

The Dust Bowl

The Green Zone

The Tower Of London

The Tower Of Babel

The Kingdom of the Blind

Arlington National Cemetery

Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

Whiskey River

God's country

Scarborough Country

Branson, MO

The Alamo

Death Row

Skid Row

Ground Zero

Tobacco Road


Fort Apache


Tora Bora


The Poorhouse

The Grand Ole Opry

Old School


The Sunshine State

The Death Star

Devil's Island

The Secret Location

The Continental Divide

The USS Abraham Lincoln

Easy Street

Cripple Creek

The Crystal Cathedral



Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Crackin' On Coulter's Crack In Cracked


"I'm bombing the Times!"

"Invade my body! Kill my leaders! Convert me to Christianity!"

"Fill me up, like the 9/11 victims did to their harpy witch widows!"
From a piece by Seely and me in Cracked #1, now on sale!
Ann Coulter Cracked Magazine Hart Seely

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Mike Douglas, 1925-2006


Years passed, maybe 43, before my little girl said to me:
"Dad? There's a boy outside, his name is Cedric. He says he's a paramedic.
Did you call him, dad? Dad? Oh my God! DAD?"

The men in my little girl's life
The men in my little girl's life

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Sign From God

[Via Slog]

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Last Living Person To Have Pitched To Babe Ruth...


...died Friday in Florida at the age of 95.
I struck him out on four pitches. I tried to keep the ball on his fists and keep the ball down so he couldn't get ahold of it.
Here's a recent interview with Elden Auker of the World Champion '35 Tigers. He wasn't shy:
Bud Selig is nothing but a puppet for the owners. Bonds has been a real meal ticket for the Giants' owner. As long as Selig is commissioner, Bonds will never get kicked out of baseball. Selig only came up with his silly steroid policy after pressure and the hearings in Washington.
When I played we pitched differently. If a guy was really hitting we'd say, 'Let's see how they can hit lying down.' We had a knockdown pitch then, but they don't let the pitchers do it now. When I pitched, home plate belonged to me. Today it belongs to the hitters.
[Via Sportsfilter]

Monday, August 07, 2006

Bush Rage At Condi's Antics

SKY News –– It seems Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's antics in the Middle East have not pleased her boss one bit.

In fact, President George W. Bush is furious with her for exploiting his name.

Bush has told Human Events magazine how Condi's bitching about him has driven him to despair.

He said: "I'm being used all over again. Without me, Condi would be nothing. What exactly is she famous for? Nothing.

"I don't think I could see her again. Why would I want to see someone who has completely slaughtered me? If she hates me that much, why doesn't she quit?"

During her time in the Middle East, Condi told diplomats how Bush was abusive to his wife, Laura, and was difficult to work for because of his addiction to alcohol.

Laura Bush spoke out about her physical abuse last year, and W. made a public apology after admitting he attacked her in a drunken rage in 1996.

He recently spent time getting help for his addiction.

He said: "I am an alcoholic. I've recently got back from AA meetings in Texas.

"I went there to get away while the Israel/Lebanon thing was on. Unfortunately, I got the timing wrong and returned before it started."

And Bush insists he would be happy if he never saw his Secretary of State again.

He said: "Condi is a fame-hungry, money grabbing nobody. What would she be doing if it wasn't for me? I have no idea."

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Bullshit Suspected

Wyoming Health Department officials have confirmed that fecal matter contaminated the water supply at an Albany County Bible camp where dozens of camp-goers have become sick.
Contaminated Bible Camp Water Sickens Dozens

Wednesday, August 02, 2006