Morning After In America:WHICH BUSH WAS, LIKE, SO HUNG OVER?

Please, Mr. President

This is it. The big day you've been dreading for so long. I know there'll be a lot of parties and a lot of booze flowing. And there's the major stress of the crowds and cameras, and of being the center of attention the whole time. But as impossible as it may seem to you now, sir, you can get through your Inauguration without alcohol. You already pulled it off once before, didn't you? Four years ago? And isn't the second time supposed to be easier? America needs you sober, Mr. President. Please.

Well... I guess I said my piece. Just remember, sir: I'll be watching.

And praying.

And drinking.

Celebrity Birthdays: Guy Madison, Dolly Parton, Desi Arnaz, Jr., and Max Hamm creator Frank Cammuso. Happy Birthday, all!

STRAIGHT TO THE ALTAR

Evidence mounts that NY Met Mike Piazza might be hetero. The fading catcher is the only athlete in history to hold a press conference to say he's not gay (because why should human rights matter with endorsements at stake?); he thus inspired the great Belle & Sebastian song Piazza New York Catcher.

Toon Deaf

Bad Toon Rising...

"...is a collection of drawings of well-known cartoon characters produced by amateur artists entirely from memory and without any reference materials whatsoever. We can all picture what Mickey Mouse or the Pink Panther look like in our minds, but getting that image down on paper is another matter!"

LET 'EM EAT CRUMBS

Problem: there are billions and billions of dirt-poor people in the world, a huge potential market, but they're just not buying the iPods. So how do we get our hands on what little they have? For the past year or so, the positive thinkers at Trendwatching.com have been shouting the answer: SACHET MARKETING! Translation: sell them tiny amounts of cheap shit under your sweet brand and watch the takas and rupees roll in! But let's allow the sinister Trendwatchers to tell it in their own words:

Here's an interesting business question: if roughly two-thirds of the world's population makes USD 1,500 or less per year, why try to sell them expensive, bulky goods and services originally designed for consumers who easily make twenty times as much in North America, Western Europe or Japan?

To the rescue come innovative micro-selling methods, aimed at new consumers in developing mega-economies like China, India, The Philippines, Mexico and Brazil. It's all about serving up your products, services and loans in affordable portions. sachets or sizes, so that consumers get to know and like your brand.

The talk gets sexier when filtered through NewsRadio Singapore:

Lately things just got smaller, sleeker and more sensational. Egg-shell washing machines, Mercedes hatchbacks and mobile phones with keypads the size of your thumb. It's less about making a fashion statement than serving up products and services in smaller and lighter portions, sizes and versions. It's all about micro-selling methods or affordable sachet marketing.
[...]
“With branding everyone's trying to allow people the experience of participating and not just looking at luxury goods through ads..."

This is why, as capitalist exploiters go, a lot of us prefer the Myron Fass model (scroll down). While all he ever wanted was our money, he never tried to make it sound like he was helping anyone but himself. He treated us like we were stupid, but not that stupid.

A Cheap Trick To Get Me To Watch TV News

CBS President Les Moonves may replace Dan Rather with multiple anchors, and won't rule out Jon Stewart!

Asked twice, Moonves wouldn't rule out a role on the evening news for Comedy Central's Jon Stewart, whose 'The Daily Show' skewers politicians and the news media each night. Moonves is co-chief executive of Viacom, which owns both CBS and Comedy Central."

Lotsa Daily Show clips here.


[Via]

FASS & LOOSE

Photo: Jeff Goodman

Russ Meyer, Ed Wood and Larry Flynt were Kennedy Center Honorees compared to Myron Fass, publisher of quickie exploitation magazines and classically awful comics. Fass is profiled at the vile and entertaining Bad Mags (for mature blue-state aesthetes only):

One-shot magazines were Myron’s favorites, on which he could use his “gift for mass psychology and bullshit.” The three biggest events that Myron cashed in on were the Beatles invasion, the Kennedy assassination––which he claimed to have made 4 million on––and the death of Elvis Presley.

More on his horror comics at The Dead Demons--including complete, uh, stories and a musty-smelling Cover Gallery!

"...Even Though He Doesn't Like Cats."

Spring, 1980. A young Japanese man by the name of Satoru Tsuda finds an abandoned kitten at the dry cleaners next door to his home in Nagoya and takes it in, even though he doesn't like cats. He names it "Matakichi", after the dry cleaners. One day, as the kitten is playing with some doll's clothes in the house, Tsuda notices that they are the same size...

The Calvin Pelorian Pet Project.

Extra! Scratch Cat!

Are you getting any ideas, Mighty Layman?

E-BLECCH-TRA!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the lusty, gay-hating web ministry that lists in detail a given movie's exact smut--is reviewing Elektra! I say "is," because The Hot Parts Guy hasn't finished the review yet. He still has to type in the credits and write the commentary, but he has posted the applicable Scripture and the FINDINGS/SCORING (don't ask; go look). Here are some excerpts:

Wanton Violence/Crime (W)
• action violence, repeatedly, frequent
• theft by a child
• attempted murder, repeatedly
• death by a tree crushing

Impudence/Hate (I)
• massive tattoos
• joking about suicide

Sexual Immorality (S)
• question about intercourse
• adult in underwear
• below navel skin, repeatedly
• excessive cleavage
• lesbian kiss

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
• drinking, twice
• booze

Offense to God (O)
• unnatural rapid movement by mortals, repeatedly, often
• bodies evaporating into yellow-green gas, repeatedly
• unnatural bird's eye in human flesh
• shape-shifting, animals created and released from human tattoos, many

(Wow. God has some mighty weird boundaries.)

Murder/Suicide (M)
• blade murder
• unseen murder
• beheading murder, decapitation not seen

I'll let you know when he posts the finished review; in the meantime, check out his 940-movie archive; it's loaded with dirty laughs!

Extra! The Hot Parts Guy previously reviewed Elextra's predecessor Daredevil, and was shocked by its inappropriate touch of statue nudity (rubbing the breasts of the statue)!