SUPERFRANKENSTEIN

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Posted by Stang at 10:09

TRANSCRIPT OF JESUS CHRIST'S REMARKS AT A REPUBLICAN PARTY FUND-RAISER, by me, at Slate.

7 comments:

Stang said...: Show me something that DOESN'T make that old cocksman hot!; 8/26/2005 12:42 PM
Anonymous said...: a bukkake shot of Hillary Clinton.; 8/26/2005 2:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Tom, I read your piece on Slate. The person who said you "got the politics right but didn't know anything about Jesus" nailed it. Your political satire evidences humor and wit derived from knowledge. Your Jesus humor, however, evidences a total lack of Scriptural knowledge and a wildly simplistic, stereotypical view of Jesus that has no relation to Scripture. Worse still, it's not funny. Stick to politics.; 8/30/2005 1:49 PM
Stang said...: Thanks for keeping it friendly, kk. What did I get wrong?; 8/31/2005 1:20 AM
Stang said...: Thanks for keeping it friendly, kk. What did I get wrong?; 8/31/2005 1:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Tom, I understand that yours was a satirical piece, but it was satire based on misinformation. Thanks for asking about the real (Scriptural) Jesus! Here's what you got wrong:

(1) You wrote, "But seriously, folks (LAUGHTER)—no, seriously, that day did pass, and then two more. Then I rose from the dead. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) Thank you. I rose from the dead and I flew up to Heaven. But first, you'll remember, I made a little side trip to Hell."

According to Scripture, Jesus did not "fly up to heaven." SOME later versions of the text read "he was carried into heaven," but no early copies of the text say that. And there is no mention of his "side trip to hell" in the Bible either, that's a later, Catholic insertion.

(2) You wrote, "This president married well, too. He married a woman. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE) That's the right way."

Jesus made no mention of homosexuality whatsoever in Scripture. He himself never married.
(I'm not saying he's gay, just that he could not possibly have been a vocal proponent of marriage, since he himself was unmarried.)

(3) You wrote, "In My youth, I made certain ill-advised statements that I now regret. If I offended anyone, I apologize. I want to clarify that it is easy for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven."

Jesus did say it was hard for the rich to enter heaven, but by "the rich," he meant the Romans who occupied Jerusalem, and their Hebrew quislings. He was no anti-wealth. Several of his followers were wealthy women, who funded his mission.

(4) You wrote, "I'd like to apologize specifically to the money-changers. It is My sincere hope that you will come back into the Temple free of charge as My guests."

Ouch. Jesus threw out the moneychangers because they were blaspheming a holy place by overcharging people when converting their money to silver Temple coins. Historically speaking, this is the action that got him crucified. Doubtful he'd ASK them back (although they did return.)

(5) "Finally—and this is Me speaking for Myself now—I want to say to the meek: Once we finally get rid of the death tax, you're not inheriting anything. Not while you're meek, so buck up. (CHEERS) And that goes double for you peacemakers."

Double ouch. Any statement by "Jesus" that envisions our modern world is automatically incorrect. Jesus was an apoclyptic who expected the world to end soon. Jesus believed that by willingly accepting his suffering on the cross, he would take God's punishment for mankind's sins upon himself. God could then initiate the "Kingdom of Heaven" on earth, not a metaphor but an other-worldly state of being. For this reason, it is said that "Jesus died for our sins," thus becoming the salvation of the world.

-KK; 9/01/2005 12:02 PM
Anonymous said...: By the way, just so you know, most Evangelical preachers remind me of Kirby' Glorious Godfrey.; 9/01/2005 12:10 PM