The Stunning Verdict

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Citizen Kane. LSD. MTV2. Once in a generation a new window opens, forever altering the way we see our world. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

...Celebrities Eating Dot Com.

[Via Delenda Est Carthago]

Highway To Heaven

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex.

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will at Sex In Christ. And don't miss Threesomes Within A Christian Marriage.

[Via WFMU]

AIIIEEEEE!

Every Famous Monsters cover! [Via Metafilter]

Boy trouble at the Christian message board:

Well, my boyfriend told me yesterday that he hates church. I want to find a boyfriend that goes to church and is a strong Christian. Just no idea where to find these guys. The only guys that I have found that seemed to have all the qualities I am looking for, were far away from me and we tried long distance relationships. I want to find my husband but I'm getting frustrated.

I'm not trying to push you into anything, but if you happen to click over, and you happen to make a love connection, don't bother to thank me. Just name your first kid SUPERFRANKENSTEIN!

Image: Geraldine and Ricky, from Show and Tell Music

New 'Batman Begins' Photos

Exclusive first look at Jon Voight as Chief O'Hara and Annette Bening as Aunt Harriet.

Two-Bit Team

Why pay $141.00 for a set of 25-cent pieces painted to look like the fourth-place, sub-.500 New York Yankees? Ask the seller:

Baseball fans and analysts all over the country are talking about the high powered athletes that have been acquired by the New York Yankees this off season. Having a potential All-Star at every position is becoming the Yankees unmatched recipe for success. Each and every year they invest in various Superstars in hopes of being a championship contender.

The New York Yankees are destined to have an exciting season. Many baseball experts expect the Yankees to be in the playoffs by season’s end. Yankees’ fans all over the country have been waiting for a group of players such as these to take them deep into the playoffs. The 2005 New York Yankees are without a doubt one of their most talented teams in recent history.

SOLD!
[Thanks to El Duque]

Drawings by children who were abducted by aliens, brought to you by The Man In The Thought Screen Hat. [Via Metafilter]

I Suck

I'm in a fantasy baseball league this year for the first time--and just barely. That's my team, the Seattle Quitters, all the way down in last place. The cellar. The outhouse. Lynn Cheney's boudoir.

It's painful, but the ordeal is teaching me important lessons about baseball, and about life, that I only thought I knew:

• If I do well, everyone notices and they worship me as a genius.

• If I do poorly, everyone notices and they revile me as a moron.

• Ballplayers exist only to disappoint me.

• When they get hurt, they do it on purpose, because they hate me.

Take Clint Barmes, a rookie shortstop for the Rockies and one of the few Quitter hitters who is not strictly a bum. He injured his collarbone Sunday night carrying a bag of fucking groceries up a flight of fucking stairs. But young bones heal, and he'll be back... in three fucking months!

Barmes was a front-runner for the NL Rookie of the Year award. No more. So much potential glory, wasted in some random mishap... seems senseless, doesn't it? Not at all. Tragedy struck Clint Barmes for a logical, discernible, demonstrable reason.

It's because I suck!

Nice Mouth

"When Cage gets MAD, he can cut loose with a stream of EXPLETIVES that lasts THREE HOURS and never REPEATS itself!" [Hero For Hire #8, April 1973]

"MOTHER OF--!" [Hero For Hire #1]

"MOTHERLESS FREAKIN' SCUM!" [Hero For Hire #6]

"Eat DIRT, man!" [Hero For Hire #7]

"JIVE-TALKIN', FREAKIN', MOTHERLESS CANDIDATE FOR THE PSYCHO HATCH!!" [Hero For Hire #8]

"You piece o' CRUD!"" [Ibid.]

"YOU MOTHERLESS MAGGOT-RIDDEN CHUNK OF STEAMIN'--" [Hero For Hire #13]

"Of all the freakin', mother-lovin' CRUD!" [Power Man #17]

"DOUBLE-CRUD!" [Ibid.]

"Holeeee CHRISTMAS!" [Power Man #19]

"SWEET JUMPIN' SISTER!" [Power Man #22]

"HOLY SPIT!" [Ibid.]

"HOLY MAMA!" [Power Man #23]

"CRIPES!" [Power Man #27]

I love my copy of Essential Luke Cage.