Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I Suck

I'm in a fantasy baseball league this year for the first time--and just barely. That's my team, the Seattle Quitters, all the way down in last place. The cellar. The outhouse. Lynn Cheney's boudoir.

It's painful, but the ordeal is teaching me important lessons about baseball, and about life, that I only thought I knew:

• If I do well, everyone notices and they worship me as a genius.

• If I do poorly, everyone notices and they revile me as a moron.

• Ballplayers exist only to disappoint me.

• When they get hurt, they do it on purpose, because they hate me.
Take Clint Barmes, a rookie shortstop for the Rockies and one of the few Quitter hitters who is not strictly a bum. He injured his collarbone Sunday night carrying a bag of fucking groceries up a flight of fucking stairs. But young bones heal, and he'll be back... in three fucking months!

Barmes was a front-runner for the NL Rookie of the Year award. No more. So much potential glory, wasted in some random mishap... seems senseless, doesn't it? Not at all. Tragedy struck Clint Barmes for a logical, discernible, demonstrable reason.

It's because I suck!


El Duque said...


Fire the manager and buy a new 40-year-old pitcher.

Works for George Steinbrenner.

Jim Chadwick said...

Not any more it doesn't. Have you actually been following the Yankees lately?

TraumaQueen said...

See what you get for having Bret Boone on your team? Nothing! He's worse than junk bonds--no returns & zero trade-in value.

Superfrankenstein said...

You're absolutly right, TQ. I released Boone last month. I didn't even try to get anything for him.

Jim: the Yankees' problem is, they're scared of the Red Sox. And the Red Sox aren't scared of them.

The weekend before last, the Yankees were riding high as the slumping Red Sox came to the stadium. Then, Freaky Friday. Boston came out energized, Yankees came out gutted.

What can be done about this?

Nothing. We're all doomed.

Mike said...

If you'd been in the Mike Flynn Baseball League, you'd probably be in... oh, I don't know, 8th place.

Next year, eh?

Of course, there's always REAL baseball. My first game to play is this coming Sunday. (The team for which I'm GM is already 1-1-1... yeah, we have sister-kissers in the PSSBL.)

BTW, for El Duque, I had predicted that Johnson would not work out for the Yankees... or at least, not be as valuable to them as Javier Vazquez would be for the Diamondbacks. I'm feeling smug for now.