Only A Day Away

Author/Bon Vivant Stuart Moore writes:

I was just avoiding work by looking at old comics when I came across this little gem, bound into the January 1982 issue of The NEW! Teen Titans. First thing January 1st, I'm going right over to Atari Technical And Research Institute (ATARI) and sign up. I'm not about to let the Malaglon Vanguard [sic] take over any more shit in THIS galaxy!

--S

But maybe your best won't be good enough, Stuart!

By the way, I really love that the A in ATARI stands for Atari.

Bronx Championship Drought Is History

MARTINEZ II
Curse Of The Bam-Tino Reversed:

As the Yankees waited to complete a trade for Randy Johnson, the club made another move on Thursday, bringing former Yankee Tino Martinez back to the Bronx [...] Martinez played for the Yankees from 1996-2001, and helped the team win four World Series titles in that time...

And they haven't won one since. When Tino exited and Giambi entered, my good friend El Duque said to me, "The championship run is over." I didn't believe him, but he was right. The Curse is real...

...And it ends today.

Oh, and here comes Randy.

Headline Of The Year

"Leash Gal." God. I wish I wrote that.

Arizona Billboards

Link
[Via]

Lookin' Good

US Pledge To Tsunami Relief (so far): $35 Million
Australian Pledge to Tsunami Relief (so far): $35 Million
2005 Presidential Inauguration: $40 Million
Bush-Cheney '04 Campaign: $306 Million
Iraq Invasion & Occupation (so far): $147.4 Billion

The Nation suggests what we can do about it here.

Love Is... Watch

Apparently I was wrong. They seem fine.

Death-Toll Porn

At Common Dreams, Christian Christensen worries about some weird feelings stirred by tsunami coverage:

As the numbers continue to grow, however, my humanity and compassion seem to diminish. Initial horror upon hearing the news has morphed into an urge to hear more updates and to see more video footage of massive waves washing away cars, hotels, boats, and, in case we forget, people. As the numbers rocket upward, I play a macabre guessing game. How high will the death count go? 100,000? 200,000? Could it be a quarter of a million?

Are Explicit Lyrics Making Your Child Obese? We'll Tell You At 11.

From Falluja and the Disappearing Media, over at ZNet:

The role of the media in the siege of Falluja has been nearly as extraordinary as the battle itself. The siege began on November 8, but by Nov. 15 the military had declared “victory” and the story disappeared from all the major media. It was as if the Pentagon had simply issued an edict forbidding any further coverage of the conflict, and the press left without protest.

The fact is, the siege is ongoing and the final results are far from certain. A city of 250,000 has been evacuated; as many as 20,000 American servicemen have been engaged in the operation with “the largest concentration of heavy armor in one place, since the fall of Berlin”. The military is proceeding with house-to-house searches and bombing raids are still being conducted on a regular basis. The siege of Falluja continues to be a huge story, despite the fact that the establishment media is nowhere to be found.

[Via]

There's actually touching news, the kind local stations love when it doesn't come from war critics:

Families of US troops killed in the offensive on the Iraqi city of Fallujah are to travel to Jordan next week with $600 000 worth of humanitarian aid for refugees[...]

"This delegation is a way for me to express my sympathy and support for the Iraqi people," said Rosa Suarez of Escondido in California.

Now, I know your Eyewitness News team is busy covering a horrible disaster we didn't cause, but that doesn't account for November 15th to last Sunday.

Sports Comics?

How foreign.

They're Lawyers...

...And they hate. What could be more appealing?

A legal confrontation is playing out here as a student organization seeks official recognition and money from a state-run university even though the students plan to exclude non-Christians and gays.

A group of Christian students at Arizona State University's law school formed a chapter of the Christian Legal Society, a national organization that unites Christian lawyers and law students for fellowship, mutual legal support, meetings and Bible readings.

[Via AZ Perspective And Junk]

Love Is... A Battlefield

Circumstantial evidence mounts against Long-Haired Baby (Backstory here). Today, Short-Haired Baby acts like nothing's wrong--which could be a bad sign in itself--but is that sidelong glance expressing love, or nervously checking the temperature of Long-Haired's mood?

It's probably nothing. My imagination's getting the best of me. Sure, that's all. Let's just check the cartoon against the warning signs posted on the King County Domestic Violence Home Page:

You may be at risk if the person you are dating or have dated in the past:
• Is scary. (You worry about your partner's reactions to things you might say or do.)

Huh. Three consecutive cartoons. The first three warnings signs, in order. What might tomorrow bring? Let's see. The fourth warning sign is:

• Threatens you, or uses weapons.

Unless I miss my guess, we should all use the next 24 hours to prepare for the most shocking Love Is... in history.

Tabloid Tsunami

New York Daily News races for tsunami Pulitzer.

Eddie Layton, Blameless In 2004 Yankees' Supercollapse, Is Dead

The Daily News reports:

Eddie Layton, who entertained Yankee Stadium crowds as its organist for nearly four decades until his retirement after the 2003 season, died Sunday at his home in Forest Hills after a brief illness. He was 77.

Rest well, old friend. No one blames you.

Tsunami

From The Australian:

LANDMINES left from years of civil war are likely to endanger survivors and rescuers after a devastating tsunami hit Sri Lanka and other Asian countries, UNICEF said today.

Links to first-person accounts, pictures, and news here & here. [Via]

Trouble In Paradise

Long-Haired Baby and Short-Haired Baby, the inseparable stars of the comic panel Love Is..., have me worried. Especially Long-Haired Baby. Compare his/her behavior over the last two days (above) with the first two warning signs listed on the King County Domestic Violence Home Page:

You may be at risk if the person you are dating or have dated in the past:
• Is jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have friends, checks up on you, or won't accept breaking up.
• Tries to control you by giving orders and making all the decisions. Doesn't take your opinion seriously.

Short-Haired Baby: get out of there. You're strong enough. And you're not alone. This page now links to you. See? On the right? Under Gods & Monsters? Someone will be checking in on you every day. I promise.

Hanging A Capitalist?

He'll sell you the rope!
[Via]

Update: But sometimes he won't. Wal-Mart was taking orders for a book called How Wal-Mart is Destroying America and The World and What You Can Do About It, but it looks like they decided maybe they shouldn't.

New A.H.O.Y. Leaderboard

Top 10 so far:

Donald Rumsfeld 108
George W. Bush 104
Karl Christian Rove 66
Osama bin Laden 64
Dick Cheney 42
Tom Delay 41
John Kerry 39
Abu Masali al-Zarqawi 33
Zell Miller 33
Jared of Subway 30

Vote.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

The God's Guide To The Hot Parts Guy lied to us. A couple of weeks ago, he wrote:

Following are films we will NOT analyze due to content, rating or other reasons:
Meet the [Husband's family name from Meet the Parents] (PG-13). The implied vulgarity of the title is enough to eject this film from our project.

So how does he explain this? Simple. He doesn't.

To be fair, he still hates the name Focker enough to count the times the movie mentions it (37). He also has a pretty hard time with Focker's "man on commode," "father telling son to run from police," "flash nudity - female, upper and rear," "sex talk, repeatedly" and "sex games in bed (dressed)."

Cut to Fat Albert, a movie so Murder/Suicide-free, so light on Impudence/Hate, so deficient in Sexual Immoraity, that its entire WISDOM Analysis fits right here:

Wanton Violence/Crime (W)
• bully tactics, twice
• threat to force compliance
• slapstick violence

Impudence/Hate (I)
• lie
• punk hair

Sexual Immorality (S)
• dress to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure, twice
• male hula dashboard wobble
• attention to unseen bare male posterior
• cartoon character in underwear
• teen in underwear

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
• none noted

Offense to God (O)
• God's name in vain without the four letter expletive, by a child
• calling another a fool [Matt. 5:22]

Murder/Suicide (M)
• none noted

Punk hair?

(Backstory here, here, here and here.)

(Via)

(Advertisement)

Bart Simpson Comics #21, now on sale (I think), includes my first published Simpsons work, a three-page Lisa story. Look for the cover where Bart's giving Milhouse a haircut.

Either 2004 Goes Or I Do

From a very long petition to get The Cowsills into The Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame:

Their recording "Hair" was banned from Armed Services radio in Viet Nam for being too controversial. The Cowsills continue to have an active fan club which includes multi-generational fans from all 50 states and six continents. They have never participated in oldies tours, choosing rather to stay current and evolve musically. The Cowsills are one of only five rock groups to have album covers designed by famous cartoonist Jack Davis. Some band members were Grammy presenters while still in grade school. Brett Milano, Boston Phoenix, stated on February 5, 1993: "So here we have a ’60s bubblegum act (albeit a pretty cool one) coming back to life as a modern pop band, more than 20 years later; and most of them are still younger than the Ramones. In the entire history of rock and roll, nothing like this has ever happened."

The voters could fill the Rock 'N' Roll Hall Of Fame with every slimy newborn dragged out of a Cowsill for the next 1,000 years, for all I care about the place. I'm only telling you about the petition because 2004 is almost over, and I want you all to see what it's become. (Via)

See, These Bad Guys Have Wired The President's Christmas Tree Lighting Button To A Bomb...

Superman in "Light Up The Tree, Mr. President!"

Batman in "Christmas Carol Caper!"

Wonder Woman in "The Prisoner Of Christmas Island!"

MP3s from 1977's "Exciting Christmas Stories" LP here. (Via)

The Naked Time

Rumsfeld is on TV this minute, saying over and over that the killings at Mosul made him feel human emotions. This has to be today's talking point; he's repeating it enough. Using all of those deaths to fix his political damage. That's power for you. Life hands the little people lemons, he gets the lemonade.
Good James Wolcott today:

How many more soldiers and civilians are going to die in vain in Iraq to prove that those who died before them didn't die in vain?

With The Frenzy As Their Master

God's Guide To The Hot Parts gives Spanglish a CAP Score of 61, which seems to mean it's not as bad as some movies, but plenty dirty nonetheless. I know this is the third time this week I've picked on The Hot Parts Guy, but, once you read what he's written here, you can't possibly believe I'm overdoing it:

This analysis must carry a WARNING! There is a graphic sexual scene in this PG-13 film and I am about to tell you about it. If you do not like to read of sexually graphic contents in film, leave this report now. And don't watch the movie. But know that if your little ones (which includes at-home teens) watch this film, it will certainly impart to them that which you do not want to read about.

Spanglish certainly hits below the moral belt if only for about five minutes. It is rated PG-13 for 'some sexual content, brief language.' Some sexual content, indeed. In a sexual frenzy, Adam Spangler as John Clasky and Tea Leoni as Deborah Clasky ran up to their bedroom and commenced co-stripping each other to their underwear. With the frenzy as their master, the couple hit the bed and...

Oh, read the rest yourself.

(Backstory here, here and here.)

Cheer Up

You could be this guy. (Thanks to Elliott.)

What Is A Hero?

The word gets tossed around pretty loosely these days, and I guess everyone has their own definition. This is pretty close to mine:

He is a known character and gets recognised by budding fans time and time again. He is well worth booking. Available for things such as: Television shows, festivals, all charity work, major events, tv commercials, pr stunts, product launches, new store openings, fronting products etc.

Here come Flying Eagle and more real-life super-heroes!

If Calvin Were A Kid In 2004

Link
(Via)

Feds Heart Heteros

Just when you thought 2004 couldn't get crazier, the swingin' Social Security Administration now recognizes heterosexual marriages.

A Minimized What Of Oral What?

A spoiler-infested Lemony Snicket review is up at God's Guide To The Hot Parts. Astonishingly, The Hot Parts Guy found only one example of Sexual Immorality (S)...

a toddler caption speaking a minimized phrase of oral sex

...and I don't even know what it means.

(Backstory here and here.)

O Come Let Us Adore Me

The perspicacious Grand Staircase links to some psycho Christmas displays, a scary Armageddon Countdown, and most important of all, me. John at Kung Fu Monkey agrees: I'm so great. Also--no joke--I'm getting referrals from something called Interfaith Unity Dialogues, and I'll be damned if I know why.

Benedict Pedro

Pedro's human rabbit's foot hates him now:

"He broke my heart," de la Rosa told the Daily News yesterday. "That's not right what he said about me."

He's A Mighty Good Leader

You name me a better one.

Donald Rumsfeld, the American defence secretary, has been using a machine to sign letters of condolence to the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq, it emerged yesterday.

In a statement to the Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper, he conceded that he had not "individually" signed letters to the families of more than 1,300 war dead. He said it had been his wish to speed up the process. He added: "I have directed that in the future I sign each letter."

When Donald Rumsfeld directs that Donald Rumsfeld will sign each condolence letter, you can bet your life that Donald Rumsfeld will sign each condolence letter.

He's that good a leader.

Be Serious, Batman

A Word A Day from the 1978 DC Super Dictionary. (Via the fab Incoming Signals)

Return of The Useful Film Critic

God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the Christian movie review site that tells us whether a given nudity warning means full-frontal Naomi Watts or just some old guy's butt--offers a detailed smut-comparison of the Ocean's movies. From Eleven to Twelve, Wanton Violence/Crime and Impudence/Hate "worsened significantly," while Sexual Immorality "improved noticeably." So let's not go see Twelve.

The Hot Parts Guy goes on:

I am so sorry but due to lack of donations we will not be able to bring you analyses of the following films currently showing in the Fort Worth, Texas area, not even the PG-13 movies - ouch! - the quintessential demons for stealing childhood from children.

Alexander (R, 2h 56m)
Closer (R, 1h 38m).
Kinsey (R, 1h 58m).
The Machinsit [sic] (R, 1h 30m)
The Motorcycle Diaries (R, 2h 8m)
Seed of Chucky (R, 1h 27m).
Sideways (R, 2h 3m)

Let's each send him a buck, because I don't think I can live without his reviews of Alexander and Kinsey.

(Backstory here.)

Oops

That e-mail me link on the upper right? It's never worked, but I didn't know it 'til last night. I fixed it, so spam away!

'Nuff Said

A.H.O.Y.: Leaderboard Is Up

See who's ahead.
Cast your vote.

BATMAN QUITS JUSTICE LEAGUE

From a statement issued by the Dark Knight:

In the course of investigating the "Identity Crisis" case, I uncovered information that now leads me to question the immigration status of a person who was in my employ as a butler. It has also been brought to my attention that, for a period of time during such employment, required tax payments and related filings had not been made.

In a similar case, an article in Thursday's New York Times questioned whether Bernard Kerik's nanny problem was a lie all along:

"They never came around here with a nanny," said Sophie Borsuk, 55, the longtime landlady and downstairs neighbor of Mrs. Kerik's mother. "I never saw any nanny. This is the first time I heard about a nanny."

As 9/11-identified confessions go, screwing an illegal immigrant out of a living wage does sound better than collecting bribes, doing errands for the mob, and cheating with two clueless girlfriends--one a subordinate--in a rent-free love-nest overlooking Ground Zero. And accepting the assignment to train Iraqi police, then treating it as a vacation to fill the time while his New Jersey pad was being renovated. And getting kicked out of Saudi Arabia for something to do with booze and "fraternizing." And whatever we hear about tomorrow.

Nothing new to report; just savoring the moment. Why do I like this story so much? Because Rudolph Giuliani showed his ward, Kerik, how to turn an identification in the public mind with 9/11 into buttloads of cash and immunity from criticism. It's perversely groovy to see them both shunned by a White House that turned 9/11 into buttloads of cash and immunity from criticism.

Update: It was all a misunderstanding. Alfred's here legally! Batman's back in the League!

Christmas With The Kranks

In the never-ending battle for eyeballs, I moved this post to MonkeyFilter.

Do Not Look At This Picture

It is forbidden.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A portrait of President Bush using monkeys to form his image led to the closure of a New York art exhibition over the weekend...

For balance, here is a picture of the President made of Jesuses. It, too, is forbidden. (Via)

YOU KIDS TODAY...

...AND YOUR GOD DAMNED HALL AND OATES!

"A Champion B-S'er"

James Wolcott has Kerik's number.

Elektro, The Amazing Westinghouse Moto-Man

...and other future-glimpses that blew the minds of The Middleton Family At The New York World's Fair.

BABS: Grandma, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just hire a mechanical man like Elektro to do all the household chores??

GRANDMA: After all, my dear, isn't that what our Westinghouse appliances do?

All dialogue guaranteed verbatim. (Via The Cartoonist)

World Ends Again

How will Pedro leaving the Red Sox show up on next week's Rapture Index? Does it bring us closer to End Time? Postpone it a little? If you're the Rapture Indexer, where do you put this? Under Financial Unrest? Kings Of The East? Apostasy? The Anti-Christ? I guess we'll find out next Monday, if we're all still here. Disclaimer: Remember, it says right on the page, "the Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture."

Looking For Something?

If you found this place on a search engine, I can go to StatCounter.com and see the search terms you used. (I get links to sites that link to me, but not your name or where you go on the web. If I could learn those things, I would blackmail you.) Over the last five weeks, some of the people who got here through Google or Yahoo actually were looking for me. But a few ended up here by searching the web for:

Gary Sheffield wife tapes
surnames + kerik + jewish

And my favorite:

Teen Titans Mad Mod Sex

I understand the Sheffield's wife thing, and I already knew about anti-Semites, but Teen Titans Mad Mod sex? What did you expect to find?

The News From America

Two stories I missed over the last couple of weeks. First, from the Raleigh-Durham News & Observer, School Defends Slavery Booklet:

Students at one of the area's largest Christian schools are reading a controversial booklet that critics say whitewashes Southern slavery with its view that slaves lived 'a life of plenty, of simple pleasures.'

Leaders at Cary Christian School say they are not condoning slavery by using 'Southern Slavery, As It Was,' a booklet that attempts to provide a biblical justification for slavery and asserts that slaves weren't treated as badly as people think.

That was Thursday. On Friday the school dropped the booklet "after they learned about faulty footnotes and citation errors in the publication," i.e., after it made the papers. (Via Bankrupt Artist)

Meanwhile, in Alabama, a politician wants to ban books with gay characters:

An Alabama lawmaker who sought to ban gay marriages now wants to ban novels with gay characters from public libraries, including university libraries.

A bill by Rep. Gerald Allen, R-Cottondale, would prohibit the use of public funds for “the purchase of textbooks or library materials that recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle.” Allen said he filed the bill to protect children from the “homosexual agenda.”

(Via telescreen.org)

Tales Of The Expected

The most common use of comics in the larger culture is to explain things to people like they're idiots, and nobody does it better than the Department Of Homeland Security. I'm a big fan of the unnamed, inappropriately calm stars of their disaster vignettes. They've been up on ready.gov for a couple of years, so pardon me if you've already thrilled to the colorful Chemical Threat, the action-packed Explosions, the sickening Biological Threat, the provocative Nuclear Blast, and the absorbing Radiation Threat.

Warning: these are comics only in the dull Prince Valiant sense: just pictures and captions. But they do get sequential, if you squint. And I've read a lot of comics that have less story than these.

Pavano

He's ours. (Warning, comics fans: baseball link.)

Kevin Dooley's Wheel Of Fortune

After two futile tries, some internet research and a couple of good message board tips, I finally caught up with Kevin Dooley's appearance on Wheel Of Fortune.

When Stuart Moore called on Friday to say "Kevin's on Wheel, >click<" I got so compulsive about seeing this video I felt like Bob Crane.

Kevin was once a co-worker of Stuart's and mine, and a good guy to hang out with. It had been years since I even heard anything about him. I worried it would be weird to see him on a game show. Would he come off like some... contestant? Or would the Kevin I know somehow peek out through the strict Wheel ritual?

He was Kevin. Out of three contestants, he was the only one who tried to banter with the host, Pat Sajak. Not Algonquin Roundtable stuff, just little things, like saying that the next inevitable format-segment Sajak was introducing sounded like "a good idea." Or waving goodbye to his Hickory Farms prize voucher when a tragic spin of the Wheel bankrupted him. Sajak was pressed--he is a busy man wita game to run, products to plug, Hollywood liberals to expose--so Kevin could only engage him for milliseconds at a time. But he kept it up. It wasn't any apparent strategy; it was his personality. He couldn't do otherwise. He's Kevin.

But not exactly the same Kevin. He's back in college, studying to be an English teacher, married with children and grandchildren. When I knew him, there were no kids, no school, no plans I was aware of. I learned all about him from the .075-second getting-to-know-you interview at the top of the show. Kevin talked fast, cramming a lot of details in; he seemed proud of his life. It was good to see him.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

From today's Washington Post:

In response to one or more indecency complaints, the Federal Communications Commission has asked NBC to send it tapes of its coverage of the Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies in Athens, the network confirmed late yesterday.

(Via Atrios)

Oh. My. God.

Boomer's a Red Sock.

TASER KING IN NANNY SHOCKKerik Lets NYC Down

Homeland Security Secretary designee Bernard Kerik out in illicit nanny scandal. Civilized world exults, except for New York, which finally might have gotten its share of federal security dough from a department run by the ex-NYPD commish.

From the cop-turned-taser-pitchman's statement:

In the course of completing documents required for Senate confirmation, I uncovered information that now leads me to question the immigration status of a person who had been in my employ as a housekeeper and nanny. It has also been brought to my attention that for a period of time during such employment required tax payments and related filings had not been made.

So, the intrepid crimefighter didn't know she had illegally immigrated at the same time he wasn't withholding her taxes? On his way out the door, Kerik treats us like morons, as if to show the Bush administration how bold a liar they could have had.

Kev-n D--ley

I just found out that long-lost buddy and former DC Comics editor Kevin Dooley is a contestant tonight on Wheel Of Fortune. I'll let you know if he does anything outrageous. Besides appearing on Wheel of Fortune.

Update: He was on in NYC, but here tonight in Seattle three contestants are spinning their brains out and none of them are Kevin. Oh, well. At least I don't have to watch Wheel Of Fortune. And it was nice to be reminded of him. Out of our whole group at DC in those days, Kevin was the funniest, in a performerly kind of way. Really quick, a great mimic... I'd love to run into him one of these days.

Superman Red-State, Superman Blue-State

It's been 41 years since Superman #162 anticipated today's great national divide with "The Amazing Story Of Superman-Red And Superman-Blue!" In that thrilling three-part novel, Superman split into two beings who put their heads together to eradicate all of earth's ills because, in 1961, primary colors meant nothing. Now, of course, they mean everything. It's time for a remake.

Superman-Red, the Values Superman, raids gay weddings and shock-radio broadcasts while campaigning to deregulate the great metropolitan newspaper business. He invades an Arab country on the pretext that it's hiding Brainiac.

Superman-Blue decides to oppose him. He suggests that Superman-Red lacks competence but means well ("WE'RE BOTH GOOD!"). He adds that Superman-Red should have built a coalition with the Justice League of America and the Teen Titans before moving forward with his plans. Superman-Blue could draw a sharper line between himself and his opponent, but he issues only the gentlest criticisms in an effort to get as many people as possible to love him.

It doesn't work. Nobody loves Superman-Blue. The End.

No More Raises For Anyone

Forrest Brown of the Charlotte Observer is apparently sick of downsizing at newspapers (remember those?). At the Poynter journalism forum, he posts a memo from Perry White re: layoffs at the Daily Planet.

It won't make you shoot milk out your nose, but it does a fair job of summarizing the outright crap that Freedom's Watchdogs sprinkle over bad news directed at their own employees.

Actually, it's not that great. I just wanted an excuse to run this shocking panel from Superman #162, "The Amazing Story Of Superman-Red And Superman-Blue!" Look at that smug, stupid publisher giving raises to everyone but The Man Of Steel.

Proud Of Waid

From today's Entertainment Weekly.

Running Out Of Musicians

The guy who sang the theme song to The Beverly Hillbillies? Dead.

Murder Update

Here's a messed-up thing: the Damageplan massacre happened on the anniversary of John Lennon's murder.

Murder In The Air

Pleasure at awesome Daily News front cover at right supplanted by horror of Columbus, OH killing spree.

Crime stories never get much of a rise out of me. My civic anger is for respectable people who do mostly legal things, like invade countries and close factories. But this...

Listen, world. Here comes a moral pronouncement. Don't murder musicians, especially while they're playing, and don't murder music lovers in the act of bobbing their heads up and down to a beat. It upsets me that you need to be told.

I'm now morbidly curious about the music of Damageplan. Isn't that sick?

From "Presidental Prayer Requests For December 9"

As the President now turns his attention to the domestic agenda, pray for his efforts to reshape the Social Security system. Pray for wisdom for the President and members of his team as they consider innovations and significant changes for the future of Social Security. Help him transfer many billions of dollars from working people to Wall Street, where it will buy nicer things. Okay, I added the last part. But this God they talk so much about always knows the truth even when they don't say it out loud, right?

Join the politically "not affiliated" Presidential Prayer Team. Or don't. But if you do, don't tell me He's all-knowing while you hand Him a bunch of talking points.

Notice How Their Sockets Seem To Follow You Across The Room?

Michael Paulus has added twelve more drawings to Skeletal Systems.

Lois Lane Vs. Blog

Merriam's-Webster's 2004 Word Of The Year was coined in a 1959 Lois Lane comic; Accordion Guy proves it. Like any good mainstream journalist, Miss Lane greeted the very idea of Blog with horror. (Via Waxy.)


Down the page, Accordion Guy remembers the time Batman and Robin tried to groove--I mean figure out--the "Paul Is Dead" mystery.

Comics Writer Fakes Own Mauling?

Or are horses worse than we thought?

Jocks Are Our Meat Because They Were Mean To Us In High School... And That's Beautiful.

I can't believe I almost let this day-old story get by me: Jason Giambi wants back in.

Oh, go ahead. Ask.

Tom, you're an eye-glass wearer. A little on the sensitive side. Artistic, even. If you wandered within half a mile of any high school football game, they'd capture you, put women's underpants on your head, make you stand on a box, and take pictures. For God's sake, Tom, you don't even know how to drive a car. Why would a... a thing like you care so much about sports?"

Fair question. The answer? You're looking at him. I follow baseball because of men like Giambi.

Maybe some of you wear glasses, go to demonstrations, roll cigarettes, dress funny, cry, read, sodomize, or have Jewish-sounding surnames. Some of you might even be women. Do you remember how athletes treated you in high school? I know, that's all in the past. You're an adult now, free to concentrate on things you love--Justice League Of America PVC figures or the latest issue of Harper's--and to ignore things you hate: jocks. I understand. But...

You're not catching what it means to be a fan, and what you can get from it. Many of us--a lot of us--read sports sections and go to games not because of any love for athletes. We do it because we get to lord it over them. We don't necessarily act out in public; as the jocks say, "it's all in the mental approach." They're here to please us. Period. We want our team to win, and any player who lets us down is a bum. And here's the reason baseball is the best sport: over a 162-game season, "any player who lets us down" is all of them.

Whether it's due to his own weakness or to the hypocrisy of the major leagues, Jason Giambi is inarguably suffering. Why not feed off that a little? A few crumbs. A binge. A binge, a puke, and then another binge. Does that make me a parasite? Fine, I'm a parasite.

Major-league pro athletes are rich and famous and living the greatest dream of their lives, but they've slipped since high school. They're no longer allowed to hurt us. Ask Ron Artest and eight other basketball players suspended last month for throwing punches at fans. We outrank them. They're our meat. At last.

Welcome to the Yankees, Tony Womack.

"His Hummer Strikes A Concrete Median, Which Gets The Attention Of Police."

Kim at Information Overload compiles the hilarious true adventures of a self-destructive Powerball winner.

But Don't Get The Impression That I Sit Around All Day Reading Metafilter, Because... Oh, Hell. Who Am I Kidding? My Life Is Nothing.

Jenny Miller's stupefying online collection of old romance comics. (Via--you're going to make me say it, aren't you?--Metafilter.)

This Time, Vote Like You Don't Care

A.H.O.Y. is a global unpopularity contest. It's been picking winners annually for 30 years.

"The Prophetic Speedometer Of End-Time"

As of yesterday's Rapture Index, The Occult is up due to a jump in the number of adult Pagans, but Liberalism is down since the beating it took in the US. These and 43 other indicators bring us in at a net change of +1 for a Rapture Index of 156. Let's check the chart to see what our score means:

Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity
Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity
Rapture Index above 145: Fasten your seat belts

You just pissed yourself, didn't you? Wait, there's a disclaimer:

The Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture

If, unlike me, you can't get enough of this stuff, keep checking the daily Rapture Ready News and John Rule's cartoons. (Via the Rapture Rations link in this Metafilter post.)

Bob Haney

Comics writer Bob Haney died in California on Thanksgiving at the age of 78. A DC regular from the '50s to the '80s, he'll be remembered for the Teen Titans, Metamorpho, the Batman team-ups in Brave & Bold, and the deranged "Super-Sons Saga." Mr. Haney was one of just a few comics writers of his era who possessed a real authorial voice. You didn't have to look at a credit box to know whose company you were enjoying, and it really did feel like company. I know it must seem fannish, clueless and disrespectful to run the "Mad Mod" cover under the circumstances, but it screams in the voice I'm talking about. I really enjoyed getting to know some part of him through his work.

Mark Evanier posts an obituary here.

Freedom's On The March

Our military will have their hands full re-admitting 300,000 Fallujans--and no insurgents--to the city in time for the January elections.

Some highlights: Fallujans will be herded through suburban "Citizen Processing Centers" where we'll take DNA samples and retina scans, and issue them ID badges they must wear at all times. Then buses will take them into the city, where cars will be banned. And, if one US faction has its way, the men will report for forced labor. I'm not kidding.

"You have to say, 'Here are the rules,' and you are firm and fair. That radiates stability," said Lieutenant Colonel Dave Bellon, intelligence officer for the First Regimental Combat Team, the Marine regiment that took the western half of Fallujah during the US assault and expects to be based downtown for some time.

Bellon asserted that previous attempts to win trust from Iraqis suspicious of US intentions had telegraphed weakness by asking, " 'What are your needs? What are your emotional needs?' All this Oprah [stuff]," he said. "They want to figure out who the dominant tribe is and say, 'I'm with you.' We need to be the benevolent, dominant tribe.

"They're never going to like us," he added, echoing other Marine commanders who cautioned against raising hopes that Fallujans would warmly welcome troops when they return to ruined houses and rubble-strewn streets. The goal, Bellon said, is "mutual respect."

Most Fallujans have not heard about the US plans. But for some people in a city that has long opposed the occupation, any presence of the Americans, and the restrictions they bring, feels threatening.

"When the insurgents were here, we felt safe," said Ammar Ahmed, 19, a biology student at Anbar University. "At least I could move freely in the city; now I cannot."

The whole story's at the Boston Globe, via Atrios.

There Is Laughter In Hell, And In Hart Seely's House

Donald Rumsfeld has spared the life of Hart Seely's book. It'll be a while yet before the popular poetry volume shares flea market space with The Spiro T. Agnew Coloring Book and The Reagan Wit, the Secretary Of Defense implied to reporters in Kuwait City today.

"The election is over and the president asked me if I would be willing to stay on and I told him I would be delighted to do that."

The Secretary went on to bust one of his patented boasts:

"I am fortunate/I have good health/I do not have young children/I am able to do this."

Congratulations to my friend Seely. And to the rest of the world, particularly those of you who live in the Middle East: aren't you happy for Seely?