THE FIX IS IN

If you voted in our new sidebar poll before 2:25 Pacific, please recast your ballot. Again, paperless voting failed.

Hate 'til Next Year

Yankees vs. Red Sox 2004:

WHO IS THE FRONTRUNNER FOR ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR (A.H.O.Y.?)

Here's how you voted:

Remember, you were handicapping the 2005 A.H.O.Y., not participating in it. The real election happens later this year, just as soon as we crush the insurgents! Meanwhile, submit nominations here and study last year's results here!

Word Blossoms

Big list of nicknames given by George W. Bush!
[Via Metafilter]

(ADVERTISEMENT)

SPIDER-MAN: HOUSE OF M #4 came out yesterday.

BART SIMPSON COMICS #25 has been out for a few weeks.

What do they have in common?

Me, me, ME!

Who Wants It More?

The front page pic from Boston's Weekly Dig, via Deadspin

Merchant Of The Week

In the pressure cooker of a detention facility, a small problem with a product can have dire and immediate consequences.

At Bob Barker we never forget that fact.

How can a small, 200-employee outfit like the Bob Barker Company call itself "The World's Leading Detention Supplier?" Maybe it's because they come prepared:

We smash radios on the floor and grind toothbrushes on cinderblock walls to see how easily they can be made into shanks.

Or maybe it's their belief that children are the future.

Or their plain-spoken way of doin' business:

For the best quality, performance, and delivery, insist on Bob Barker's Isolation/Suicide Cell products. Call us today.

Or their attention to the little things.

Or maybe they just sell the best dog-gone merchandise:

Bob Barker® TranZport Hood

Bob Barker® Ten-Man Transport Chain

At Ease® Adult Disposable Briefs

Bob Barker® Activewear

If you're ever in Fuquay-Verina, NC, stop by their new corporate headquarters and say hi! They'll be happy to reminisce about BBCs growth from "the back of a barbershop in 1972" to its latest sale of "suicide prevention products to the U.S.-managed Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq!"

Via Metafilter

CHIEF: Max, you'll be confined by the tubes of a respirator; locked in a painful, escalating struggle for every breath; at the mercy of exhausted, underpaid hospital employees for even the most basic necessities; deprived of all modesty and dignity; yearning for the only relief you can ever hope to have, that of eternal oblivion...

MAX: ...And loving it!

"This Just In"

Stephen sat up. Jon reached out to grab Stephen's arm to stop him from moving away, but found he found himself withdrawing his hand. Stephen lowered his body down until his head rested gently on Jon's bare ribs...

Daily Show Slash Fiction
[Via Metafilter]

Feelings

POIGNANT: Geraldo v. The New York Times, by Hart Seely and me, at National Lampoon!

TOUCHING: The Top Ten Reasons Beer Is Better Than Jesus! [Via Greg Burgas]

TENDER: Robby Reed pays tribute to Hourman -- including the series I wrote -- at Dial B For Blog! Totally Airwolf!

TRAGIC: Wonder Woman makes the mistake of her life!

News From Home

A North Syracuse couple got an unlisted telephone number and moved their two children out of their house because of harassment over the family's appearance on ABC's "Wife Swap," the mother of the husband said Thursday.

North Syracuse family harassed after TV show
The Post-Standard

NOW PITCHING FOR THE TURTLES

Joe Sportsfan's Worthless Baseball Card Collection
[Via SportsFilter]

CREEPY

Poll Shock

If you voted in our super-important new Asshole Of The Year poll (see sidebar) before 8:01 PM Pacific time, I have to ask you to cast your ballot again. Due to I don't know what, your votes weren't counted. Sorry!

God damned paperless voting!

And remember, this is not your A.H.O.Y. vote! This is your prediction for who will win the election when it's held at year's end! Yes, like every other internet "poll," it means absolutely nothing!

News Alert

According to a published report:

Faced with the biggest crisis of his political life, President Bush has hit the bottle again, The National Enquirer can reveal.

Bush's Booze Crisis
[Thanks to El Duque]

New Poll

See sidebar.

We're handicapping the 2005 A.H.O.Y., so vote!

If your faves aren't on the shortlist, comment in this post to nominate as many as you want!

All comments concerning the "inaccuracy" of the poll and the "problem" with us "liberals" will be mocked!

Wait'll Next Beer

On The DL, the baseball trash-gossip blog that's fast becoming 1,000 times more relevant than all of the New York Times opinion columnists put together, now offers photos of ballplayers drinking & flirting!

Is your kid suffering from self-esteem? Solution here!

News From My Hometown

SYRACUSE, N.Y. A three-year-old's birthday party turned into a crime scene yesterday.

Police say one guest was stabbed after he started insulting Syracuse.

Man stabbed at birthday party after insulting Syracuse
WSTM

The Situation Room

With Bush admin poll numbers at all-time low, Dick Cheney to fake his own death!

Dare me to say something good about the Bush family? OK, they drink like Kennedys!

Update: The second link now works. Thanks for the heads-up, Phismi!

Naked Lunch

Center for Environmental Health warns of dangerous lead content in vinyl lunchboxes!

Sues manufacturers and retailers, sends notices to licensors!

More...

[Via Metafilter]

Holy Christ!

The Christian Crusaders have, as far as I can tell, one member:

Name: The Christian
Superhero Group: Christian Crusaders
Powers: Word of God (Holy Bible), Prayer, Demon Cast, Evil Sense, Holy Ghost Projection
Mission: Christian World Domination
Main Base of Operations: DFW Metroplex (Dallas/Fort Worth)

Check this site out for detailed plans to eradicate evil in Dallas/Fort Worth; a "Real-life Superhero List (in no particular order)" that includes "All USA Presidents;" and, best of all, The Christian's interactions with citizens in distress:

Example Email Plea for Help #1:

Location: China
Date: January 2, 2005
ID: 24, Male, Bus Driver, Non-Christian, china435@col.com

Problem: I have been beaten by violent gang members the past five weeks while going home after my shift. I make barely enough to feed my family, and I fear for my youngest, who is very sick. I want to move to America, but I cannot save enough money for such a journey for me and my family.

Solution: I will pray for you. Also, I urge you and your family to become Christian as soon as possible.

[Via Superhuman]

NEWS CABLE SEXY SUPER TERROR RIOT!

The headline on the Fox News channel, as I type this:

WHO IS TRACKING LOUISIANA'S SEX OFFENDERS?

K a t r i n a : T h e G a t h e r i n g

[Found by Moose] [Click the card to see more]

Highball Four!

Which sexy and oft-injured future superstar struggles with alcohol problems?

I don't care, but I like these juicy blind items--and readers' guesses-- about baseball players, On The DL.
[Via Deadspin]
* * *
"I get my determination from her." Roger Clemens pitched yesterday, hours after his mother died. He gave up 1 run in 6.1 innings for his 340th win.

It's up to mighty NAGRAJ to rescue Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man in...
Click pic to read the whole story!
Extra! Nagraj Bio-Data!
[Via Turbanhead, which is in turn via Mike Flynn]

APPARITION

This morning I turned on the TV and saw Martha Stewart, dressed in her prison poncho, doing a cooking segment with Elmo the Muppet.

THE NEWS EXPLAINED WITH COMIC BOOK COVERS

Bush visits New Orleans



Newsweek: How Bush blew it



Paulison named acting FEMA head



Washington Post-ABC News poll



Bush: 'I thought we dodged a bullet'

Brilliant: FEMA Director Michael Brown Has A Wife and Bruce Wayne Kept a Shame Journal, at Pete Rose Haircut! [Via Metafilter]

Seduction Of The Innocent

Disgraced comic book writer John Layman links to a 24-page preview (.pdf) of Armageddon & Son, his upcoming graphic novel described by top critics as "Great Gatsby meets Pleasure Resort Women at the OK Corral on Groundhog Day!"

WARNING TO PARENTS: DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN DOWNLOAD THIS COMIC! It's just what he wants!

You know the guy who told Dick Cheney to go fuck himself? Here's an update on his situation.
[First link via Cyphering]

Caucasian News Network Returns To Form

Right now on CNN, two white panelists, Bay Buchanan and Paul Begala, are debating whether race played (A) a negligible role in the treatment of New Orleans survivors; or (B) no role at all. Their white moderator, Wolf Blitzer, is giving equal time to both extremes.

On Your Knees

Over at the Presidential Prayer Team site--where Christian conservatives go to be told what to say to God--is a section called ADDITIONAL LEADERS TO PRAY FOR THIS WEEK. Its featured star, listed above Condoleezza Rice, is FEMA director Michael Brown.

On the same page, evangelist Luis Palau thinks of Katrina and can barely contain his pee:

This is our opportunity to reclaim America for Jesus Christ!

Oh, take it.

Essential: 'When you look at who is left behind, it is very disturbing to me.' Katrina news links at Negrophile [Via Notes From A Different Kitchen]

Mark Waid and I interrogate Yvonne (Batgirl) Craig at millarworld.the.magazine!

Things Hagrid The Half-Giant Would Say If He Served Jesus Instead Of Harry Potter by Hart Seely, at McSweeney's!

Links Of Fury

Cindy Sheehan & Veterans For Peace move Camp Casey to Louisiana! They're distributing hurricane relief; Michael Moore is soliciting donations!

Essential: Metafilter's Katrina archive!

Ant-Man: The Motion Picture! [The astonishing news is in the second paragraph!] [Via Metafilter]

Robby Reed picks the 5 Sickest Comic Book Covers!

ZAP! PISS! Bladderman fights bedwetting!

Christ, That Dog's Big!