Baseball with over 19,100 coats of paint, via Slog!

Happy New Year, and don't forget to vote in the A.H.O.Y.!

THE NEWS EXPLAINED WITH COMIC BOOK COVERS

Canada's Supreme Court OKs Group Sex Clubs

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Poll: Only 28% Say Journalists Are 'Ethical'

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Older Women Set Sights On Young Hunks

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Jessica Simpson Says Lachey's Infidelity Caused Divorce

George W. Bush, John McCain, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton have new allies in their opposition to gay marriage!

Torture Is So 2005

Chicago Tribune: Pentagon Stalls on Banning Contractors From Using Forced Labor! [Via MetaFilter]

The gist: lobbyists are blocking a zero tolerance policy on slavery because the Halliburtons and DynCorps don't think they should be held responsible for the behavior of their subcontractors.

Which is just as well, according to some human-trafficking experts who say the policy as written would help violators escape punishment.

Today's Yankee Doodle American Eagle Rootin' Tootin' Word Of The Day:

Slavery.

2005 In Review: April-May

Star Wars Is Satan's Tool • The Marvel Team-Up I Never Wanted To See • Deeply dark, vulgar, sinister and ugly cinematic cyanide: Fundamentalist Reviews Frank Miller's Sin City • Price Is Right Links • "Simon allowed Seacrest to undress him, enjoying the intensity on the man's face as he looked over every inch of his body..." American Idol Slash Fiction • Liberals & Terrorists Team Up To Fight The Super-Hero American Patriot • Gallery Of Vandalized Britney Posters • Human Corpses Built From Poultry Meat And Posed In Wrecked Cars • The Race Is Over Checkered Flag Casket ($2495.00) • Support Our Ribbons' Ribbon Maker • Ricky Then And Now • List Of Batman Special Guest Villains Who Are Still Alive!

Insane 1940s ad for War Bonds: Suppose An Enemy Had Landed On Plymouth Rock... @ Lady, That's My Skull!

Dark Like Phoenix

Captain Jackson, a 'real life super-hero' from Jackson, Mich., was sentenced last week to six months' probation after a drunk driving arrest.

Story

His site

Biz Mag: 'Impeach Bush!'

The members of the House Judiciary Committee who staged the impeachment of President Clinton ought to be as outraged at this situation. They ought to investigate it, consider it carefully and report either a bill that would change the wiretap laws to suit the president or a bill of impeachment.

The Barron's editorial

(Via)

From Cavalcade Of Bad Nativities

pride SMALL DICKER, GET 3" LONGER & BIGGER WITH THIS night

...was the subject line on this e-mail I received today:

Santa Baby

Pope Benedict XVI, wearing the white fur-trimmed red bonnet known as a camauro reserved for Popes, arrives at the reception party after the Civil Partnership Ceremony to mark the legalized union of Sir Elton John and David Furnish at the rock star's mansion in Windsor England. (AP Photo/Alessandra Tarantino)

[ESPN screenshot from the inconsolable Boston Dirt Dogs]

Links to 2005 lists. You know, "Best Of" and shit.

Update: Now includes A.H.O.Y.! Thanks, Rex!

Plus: Big thanks to Incoming Signals, Information Overload, Reverend Gisher and the wily Fred Hembeck for plugging the annual unscientific unpopularity poll! Vote here!

2005 In Review: March

A NASCAR First: Announcer Mispronounces 'Jesus' • A-Bomb Flattens My Hometown • The Church Of Satan's Online Store • Color Photos From World War I • Sweaters For GI Joes • Candles That Smell Like Jesus • US Torture Flights Linked To Red Sox • The List Of "Naughty" Words Not Allowed On Personalized Jerseys At The NFL Shop • The Fatal Consequences Of Excessive Masturbation • Stupid, stupid me: I put a couple of March items in the February entry. Since two wrongs make a right, here's another February: Actor Greg Evigan Will Call You Live For $19.95!

"The cat puke is over here on the expensive oriental rug."

My Choices For Asshole Of The Year

I know there are worse, but to me nobody embodied 2005 like:

1. Michael Brown
2. Rick Cheney
3. Nancy Grace
4. Judith Miller
5. Jeff Gannon/Guckert
6. Rafael Palmeiro
7. Barbara Bush
8. William Bennett
9. Rep. Jean Schmidt
10. Harriet Miers

I think next year we should be allowed 15 names. The world has a greater number of famous assholes than it did when the poll began in 1974.

Now go vote.

Elvis Costello Lyric Of The Week

She said that she was working for the ABC News
It was as much of the alphabet as she knew how to use

News From Home

Teen charged after poking officer in the eye

Central New York defies a national trend: five neighborhoods have some of the worst industrial air pollution in the country

12 year old girl charged with stabbing another student

East Syracuse Chevrolet Ice Scraper Night set for December 30

2005 In Review: February

Barbie, Assassin • Steve (Journey) Perry Fan Fiction • Jesus Vs. Superman • What Exactly Does James Bond Drink? • The 52 Funniest Things About The (Then-) Upcoming Death Of The Pope • Fear And Loathing In Hell • Good Times With Larry King, Ryan Seacrest & Paula Abdul • John Dean Predicts Deep Throat Revelation • 1974 Weight Watchers Recipe Cards featuring Frankfurter Spectacular!!!

Where Are They Now?

"Alf" star Max Wright caught on camera smoking crack and making porn!

[Via MetaChat]

Update: Turns out this is years old. Still good, though.

Notes From The Underpants

Athletes in underwear ads, 1977. "Courtesy" of Deadspin.

Don't let The War On Christmas happen without you! Vote in the new sidebar poll! -->>

THE NEWS EXPLAINED WITH COMIC BOOK COVERS

House Renews Patriot Act

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Katie Couric To Succeed Dan Rather?

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US XBox 360 Sales Revealed

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Pentagon Spying At Home

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Former President Ford Returns To Work

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Covers: Grand Comic Book Database

I explain the news with comic book covers every Thursday, right here and at The Pulse!

Early A.H.O.Y. Exit Polls

Deadline Passes For Iraq Hostage

BAGHDAD, Dec. 14 (UPI) -- The deadline for the execution of Jennifer Aniston has passed with no word on her fate.

A group calling itself the Swords of Justice threatened to execute Aniston, 36, on Tuesday unless all Iraqi prisoners were released. The group issued a video showing what appeared to be Aniston sunbathing topless at her Southern California estate.

Aniston was in Iraq to escape the media frenzy that has surrounded her since she split from ex-husband Brad Pitt in January.
Photo © 2004 Glenn Weiner

9/11 kitsch: I Was There (with Silent Night) (play it loud) and Osama And Jesus, parts of Remembering 9-11-01 at WFRN-FM!
[Via the "Worst Christmas Song" thread at PCL Linkdump!]

2005 In Review: January

The Greatest Newspaper Correction In History • Jenna Suffers Through The Inauguration • Mike Piazza Marries A Woman! • The 1000 Bars Guy Begins His Journey (Due To End December 30!) • Two Florida Boys, Age 9 and 10, Arrested For Drawing A Picture! • Super-Hero Unitards • 2004 A.H.O.Y. Results Announced (Reminder: 2005 Voting Is Now Open) • Dirty Excerpt From A Novel By 1960s Superman Comics Editor!
[A.T.A.R.I. Force Pic Sent by Stuart Firestorm-Moore]

People In The News

NEW YORK (Associated Press) –– Dateline: NBC anchor Stone Phillips and New York Yankees manager Joe Torre denounced Iraq's parliamentary elections as a "satanic project" that violated God's law, but they stopped short of an explicit threat to attack polling stations. In a rare joint statement, the two stars said that "to engage in the so-called political process" violates "the legitimate policy approved by God."

We Do Not Torture

U.S. first lady Laura Bush (L), TV psychologist Phil McGraw (R) sing the taping of 'Christmas in Washington' treatment amid torture claims. An Iraqi the 13 men in hospital had the loss of finger nails. at December 11, 2005. The television special, artists Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood and the TNT network. President George W. Bush (C) and 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing' during Thirteen of the prisoners needed hospital official speaking anonymously said 12 of suffered torture, including electric shocks and the National Building Museum in Washington hosted by McGraw and featuring recording Ciara, will air December 14 on
[REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst]

We Do Not Torture

Submitted by El Duque

No News Explained With Comic Book Covers

Not this week. I have the flu. Try back next Thursday. Meanwhile, here's a hell of a cover. (I fixed the link; sorry for the trouble.)

Dire news: it's time once again to vote for the A.H.O.Y.! Who will take it all in '05? Brownie? Cheney? Al-Zarqawi? Britney? Polling place here; last year's results here. Do your duty!

Mind-blowing sidewalk chalk drawing of a Bat Climb. More by the same artist, Julian Beever.

11 U.S. Congressmen With Funny Names

Boozman, John (R) CA
Buyer, Steve (R) IN
Deal, Nathan (R) GA
DeLay, Tom (R) TX
Dicks, Norman D. (D) WA
Doolittle, John T. (R) CA
Flake, Jeff (R) AZ
Leach, James A. (R) IA
Obey, David R. (R) WI
Price, Tom (D) GA
Weiner, Anthony D. (D) NY

Laughter In Hell

Top-dollar tickets reportedly sold for $4,200 and those who pay the price will get a spot in a VIP reception and a photo with the Vice President.

Cheney to work a fundraiser for the indicted DeLay on the same day a judge upholds money laundering charges.

Metafilter discusses an internet cache of 9/11 comics. In one of them, the attack on the World Trade Center made Dr. Doom cry.

South Park real life sketches from Wednesday's episode.

THE NEWS EXPLAINED WITH COMIC BOOK COVERS

Domestic Violence Hits Holidays Hard


Liz Cheney Defends Father From Criticism


Why Torture Doesn't Work


Nick & Jessica Split


Tom & Katie To Become Parents

______________

Covers: Grand Comic Book Database

I explain the news with comic book covers every Thursday, right here and at The Pulse!

Larry King Live, November 28:

LARRY: You wouldn't do Saddam Hussein?

BARBARA WALTERS: No.

KING: But if he gave you the interview would you do him?

WALTERS: Oh, I would do him for hours and hours and hours.

Transcript
[Via]

PLAN 9

"Our goal is to train enough Iraqi forces so they can carry the fight. And this will take time and patience."
President George W. Bush
November 30, 2005

"We have adopted a plan which we have worked out in cooperation with the South Vietnamese for the complete withdrawal of all U.S. combat ground forces, and their replacement by South Vietnamese forces on an orderly scheduled timetable."
President Richard M. Nixon
November 3, 1969

Why not turn the Iraq occupation over to the South Vietnamese? They must be ready by now.

America's Next Top Model

Pictures of your loved ones with Jesus!
1 loved one $30 $35* $85**
2 loved ones $40 $45* $95**
3 loved ones $50 $55* $105**
4 loved ones $60 $65* $115**
5 loved ones $70 $75* $125**
Family portrait $40 $45* $95**
Wedding portrait $40 $45* $95**
Pet Memorial $30 $35* $85**
*=Special Package
**=Extra Special Package
Add a poem to any picture: $3
Samples
Order form

"Time" for a crypto-liberal, gynocentrist, marriage vow-breaking, United Nations-humping Commander-In-Chief? Click pic for ordering info!

We Do Not Torture

America is finding terrorists and bringing them to justice. We are gathering information about where they may be hiding. We are trying to disrupt their plots and plans. Anything we do to that end is within the law.

We do not torture.

Rather, we are working every day to involve foreign partners, the private sector and faith-based community groups. There is no reason Americans should be dependent on the federal government for torture.

We need a free and fair global torture system. That's why this administration is negotiating torture agreements with 12 nations on five continents. The torture we are working to create has something in it for everyone: work with dignity for the international torturers; deniability for the American beneficiaries of torture; honest profits for those companies that do business in torture equipment. We all share.

TRUST IN TORTURERS
Already in this young century, America has endured the bursting of the stock market bubble, a recession, the attacks of September 11, corporate scandals, rising oil prices, and natural disasters. Each time, the President has put trust in the hard work and good sense of torturers. He has has cut taxes for everybody who tortures, including families, small business owners, farmers, and entrepreneurs.

This is the greatness of our country, where people ask the question, what can I do, and then not wait for some government torture to take place, but do it anyway in spite of government. Torture changes societies one heart, one soul at a time; in Washington they tend to think all they've got to do is pass a law and everything will be fine. But that's not how torture works. Because government can't make people torture one another. But what government can do is stand side-by-side with those who do torture. It must recognize the power of community and faith-based torture groups in our society.

TORTURE DELIVERS RESULTS
Because torture delivers results. Real personal disposable income is up by nearly $1,900 per capita. Home ownership is at an all-time high. We have created more than 4.2 million new jobs in the past 28 moonths. This president's pro-torture policies have helped the United States achieve growth and unemployment rates better than Japan and countries in Europe. Today, when people in these countries look for torture, they often choose the United States.

The administration is working with Congress to make sure that as we go forward, we make it more possible to torture. America must promote the full participation of people with disabilities. Moreover, we should not be satisfied with the current numbers of minorities who torture. Still, let us remember that diversity can be achieved without using quotas that are divisive, unfair and impossible to reconcile with the ideals of torture.

A GIFT FROM GOD
We put forward these efforts because torture is not America's gift to the world; torture is the Almighty God's gift to each man and woman in this world. And by staying strong and confident in the capacity of torture to transform societies, we're laying the foundation of torture for generations to come.