Wednesday, March 02, 2005

HELLBLAZER'S HOT PARTS

constantine
The wait is over. God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the web ministry that fights Hollywood indecency by describing it and describing it until you have to rub up against something--finally reviewed Constantine. If The Hot Parts Guy sounded like a beat poet last week, now he's hammering the keys like the chaplain of a meth lab:

The Truth is that once one is condemned to Hell there is no escape. The chances of returning from Hell are infinitely less than the chances of a frozen orb of hand-packed crystalline dihydrogen monoxide surviving unscathed, entry through exit, an excursion through the subterranean location of exceeding exo-energetic electromagnetic radiation in the thermal band.
His long list of the film's offenses does not include "turning Hellblazer into a Yank," but here's a fraction of what does bother him:
• extremely graphic pedestrian hit by a car
• tale of multiple police action killings
• graphic impalement painting
• grotesque fragmentation of flesh
• woman in underwear in bed
• camera angle to force viewer on private parts, repeatedly
• rude gaze
• use of drink to ease fears
• crawling on ceiling
• Angel Gabriel as a woman
• woman changing water into wine
• spiritual use of lukewarm in clear defiance of God's admonition against being lukewarm
• portrayal of Satan as a man
• insult of God
• false bible
• portrayal of Satan, complete with burned feet and pant cuffs
Hey! If "use of drink to ease fears" is a sin, then burn my pant cuffs and call me lukewarm!

8 comments:

Goody said...

What the hell is a 'rude gaze?' And who was rudely gazing? And at what? I saw the movie, and I can't for the life of me remember what the hell they mean by that. Is that like, a rider tacked onto one of the commandments?
"Commandment 2, part 4, article 2.3: Thou Shalt Not Gaze Rudely Upon The Asphalt, For the Asphalt is Most Divine."

jdonelson.nyc said...

I have the same question as goody. I had no idea that "rude gazes" were a problem. What other kinds of gazes are not allowed? For that matter, what kind of gazes are acceptable?

It seems like the Hot Parts Guy has been easing his fears a little too much lately. "spiritual use of lukewarm in clear defiance of God's admonition against being lukewarm?" Come on, that doesn't even make sense.

El Duque said...

Superfrankenstein,

I've never seen your "rude gaze."

I never want to.

Superfrankenstein said...

I'll guarantee you one thing, Duque:

My "rude gaze" does not make use of lukewarm.

Dorian said...

Wait...it's somehow ungodly to portray Satan as having pant cuffs?

Jason said...

"use of drink to ease fears "

Allow me to quote from Mathew, 25:16.

"He took the wine, gave it to his disciples and said, 'Take this, all of you, and drink from it. This is my blood of the new and everlasting covenant, that shall be given up for you. Do this, in memory of me. Drink, because you are afraid. And the blood of Christ shall ease your fears. Drink my blood, which is really wine, and drown your sorrows over my impending betrayal in a sea of drunkenness. For this is as my father, your lord G-d, has foretold it."

I think that pretty much shoots this guy down. He should read the bible. Especially the part where it says you can escape hell:

Ezekiel 2:15: “And lo! Thou shalt find the power to escape hell if thou art pure and noble and find a 1-up mushroom in the Castle of Bowser.”

Goody said...

Pant cuffs are the devil!

Anonymous said...

Never mind all that. I want to be an "extremely graphic pedestrian". I've already *been* hit by a car, so that's taken care of.

-- Losthawk, the Extremely Graphic Pedestrian (see, it even sounds good.)