Monday, January 17, 2005

E-BLECCH-TRA!

elektra10

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the lusty, gay-hating web ministry that lists in detail a given movie's exact smut--is reviewing Elektra! I say "is," because The Hot Parts Guy hasn't finished the review yet. He still has to type in the credits and write the commentary, but he has posted the applicable Scripture and the FINDINGS/SCORING (don't ask; go look). Here are some excerpts:
Wanton Violence/Crime (W)
• action violence, repeatedly, frequent
• theft by a child
• attempted murder, repeatedly
• death by a tree crushing

Impudence/Hate (I)
• massive tattoos
• joking about suicide

Sexual Immorality (S)
• question about intercourse
• adult in underwear
• below navel skin, repeatedly
• excessive cleavage
• lesbian kiss

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
• drinking, twice
• booze

Offense to God (O)
• unnatural rapid movement by mortals, repeatedly, often
• bodies evaporating into yellow-green gas, repeatedly
• unnatural bird's eye in human flesh
• shape-shifting, animals created and released from human tattoos, many
(Wow. God has some mighty weird boundaries.)
Murder/Suicide (M)
• blade murder
• unseen murder
• beheading murder, decapitation not seen
I'll let you know when he posts the finished review; in the meantime, check out his 940-movie archive; it's loaded with dirty laughs!

Extra! The Hot Parts Guy previously reviewed Elextra's predecessor Daredevil, and was shocked by its inappropriate touch of statue nudity (rubbing the breasts of the statue)!

4 comments:

El Duque said...

Superfrankenstein,

I have an unnatural bird's eye situated between my left and right buttocks.

You think the Hot Parts guy would like to see it?

Anonymous said...

My favorite quote from the Hot Parts Guy is from Team America... \"In another scene, Gary experiences an episode of vomiting clearly exaggerated for effect after drinking himself into a stupor. I momentarily thought the exaggerated vomiting scene was put there for the \"benefit\" of the CAP Ministry since 1) we have apparently built a name for ourselves in Hollywood, at least that is what we are told, 2) several email attacks of our analysis of South Park: BLU flamed us for including vomiting in the listing of findings and 3) since the CAP Ministry is an enemy of many South Park: BLU lovers and apparently of Stone and Parker, the exaggerated vomiting scene made me wonder whether this second excessively exaggerated scene was just to express recognition of the CAP service. By the viciousness and vulgarity of the email attacks, I would almost believe this to be true ... Nah! Not a chance. Why would a megabuck pair of Hollywood cinematic whiz kids take notice of a church mouse poor grassroots ministry? That we beat Harvard University to the punch by a full four years in proving the \"ratings creep\" of the MPAA wouldn\'t matter now would it?\"
Ryan \"Champ\" Estrada

Goody said...

IMPUDENT TATTOOS! I SAY THEE NAY! This site rocks it.

Superfrankenstein said...

Ryan, you're right; that is one of the Hot Parts Guy's great moments. For me, it's the "Well, I Never!" tone of his entire review of the South Park movie, including:

"And you cannot imagine the depths of the influence of this sort of entertainment! In the months that followed our posting if this analysis report we received thousands of emails from adolescents who have seen this movie and spoke just like it. With the same or more severe level of contempt for wholesome and righteous ethics. I would post examples of their email here but most of them would look like "You --- ---, ---. You are a --- and a ---. Go --- ---. And see who cares about your --- ---, you --- --- sorry --- --- --- ---. --- my ---. And Satan's, too, you --- uncle ---- donkey ---." Just like South "Puke": BLU. And some people actually believe movies do not influence kids."