HOT PARTS MISSING

God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the web ministry that tells moviegoers in smutty detail what smut to expect--hasn't posted a new review in a couple of weeks. As The Hot Parts Guy reminds us (and reminds us and reminds us), he lives in some depressing Texas shithole (I'm paraphrasing) that doesn't get too many new releases. That means he has to go to all the way to fucking Fort Worth, probably on some God damned bus that smells like piss (still paraphrasing) to catch the latest Hollywood filth, and that takes fucking money. But let's hear about it in his words: the situation apparently stresses him so much that he wrote a SPECIAL NOTICE and an IMPORTANT NOTICE and posted them both on the same page. While these bulletins lack the benefit of his most confident themes--say, "homosexual suggestions" or "general approval of stripping"--I feel they make up for it with distinctively urgent prose:
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SPECIAL NOTICE: There are MANY new and recent releases each week that we cannot analyze for you all because of lack of donations/funding. (See IMPORTANT NOTICE below.) This ministry has credibly proven what Harvard University recently published a full four years before they did and in His name by His Word! Can you not see how valuable this service is to your little ones through you? Of all the exofamilial influences in a child's life ("child" includes at-home teens), the only entity that more deeply and intimatedly saturates your child than the entertainment industry is air. PLEASE, give most serious consideration to helping us help you with your generous, timely and consistent donations. We have no other source of funding other than YOU and family money. We cannot do it without YOU.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Which films are analyzed is determined entirely by the amount of donations. Due to inadequate donations, some analyses may not be completed until after the intended period. As a cost reduction measure, if a new release film does not show at our local theater it will not be analyzed. Time/Travel to theaters in neighboring towns (Fort Worth, etc.) is now out of the financial question until donations increase massively in both amount and number. Consistently.
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Looks bad, huh? Well, late last week, just as I was losing faith, The Hot Parts Guy dropped this bombshell:
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For January 8 through January 14
No new releases playing locally. But good news! A hefty donation makes it possible to attempt three viewings in Fort Worth:
Darkness (PG-13, 1h 42m)
White Noise (PG-13, 1h 41m)
Beyond the Sea (PG-13, 1h 58m)

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I hope he saw the movies this weekend; I expected a post by now, and I keep checking back, but... nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Where are you, Hot Parts Guy?

What are the hot parts in the Bobby Darin movie?

To Be Continued...