Monday, January 31, 2005

One New Yorker... One Year...

ship_tavern_interior_small
...1000 Bars, "My travelogue of a journey through 1000 bars in 1 year." He started January 1. As of yesterday, he's up to 140.
[Via]

I Don't Know What To Say

saturn
I never heard of this, and I went to Catholic school. What else didn't they tell us? I don't even know how to talk about it. Just go look.

You don't have to read the whole thing, but scroll down and check out the caption under the picture of Saturn. I won't spoil it, but if you ever touch that planet's rings, just make sure you wash your hands before you handle food.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

I'm Your Conqueror, And I Approved This Message

iraq_election
A Marine hangs an election poster in Al Anbar province, Iraq (Reuters).

From Occupation Thwarts Democracy by John Nichols, at The Nation:

Polls suggest that the majority of Iraqis favor the quick withdrawal of US forces...
But...
Under pressure from the Bush Administration, political parties...did not propose timetables for the withdrawal of US troops from their homeland...
So they can't vote on the one issue that affects them the most. Nice election.

Friday, January 28, 2005

I Have Got To Be More Careful

CHiPS

I found this site by accident.

DON'T WISH FOR A SANDWICH

monkeys_paw

Monkey's paw sold on eBay
HOMER

I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and--AND--I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?

[the monkey's paw closes its last finger]

[a turkey sandwich materializes]

Hey! Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry...THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY?!!
--Treehouse Of Horror II

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Come And Get Me, Coppers

stick.figures
This is the picture two Florida 10 year olds were arrested for drawing.

Dangerous To Know

shortys
Left: SUPERFRANKENSTEIN. Right: John Layman. Place: Shorty's Bar. Time: Last night. Over at his blog, an injured John tells why it's dangerous to know me. Sorry, John!

DIRTY SCIENCE

new_x_117

Scientists have begun blurring the line between human and animal by producing chimeras—a hybrid creature that's part human, part animal.
National Geographic reports the existence of human-rabit stem cells and pigs with human blood. Next up: mice with human brains!

"No job too dirty for a fucking scientist."
-- William S. Burroughs, The Western Lands.

HAW! The Kid Pukes MONEY!!

richieretch

Unpublished Topps Wacky Packages!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

BAD IDEA


...For most of us, anyway. Someone is selling Super-Hero Unitards.

Aside to Batman: Alfred made the blue trunks for a reason. For God's sake, wear them.

[Via]

MIRROR GARFIELD

mirror35
I could read these all day.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

A.H.O.Y. WINNERS

chalabimichael_powell

You voted--or, more likely, didn't--and you can see results, starting today.

A.H.O.Y. Results Come To Those Who Wait

After, like, 2 weeks of dragging their asses, A.H.O.Y. election officials will begin to post results later today (I'll let you know). It should be up by now, but they're counting on my help, and I've been doing actual paying work and mesmerising myself with the rhythms of repetitive Johnny Carson coverage. My God, everyone shows exactly the same clips. I've seen the one where Carnac makes fun of Dippity-Do, like, a dozen times. Does anyone still know what Dippity-Do is?

Anyway, to tide you over until the first A.H.O.Y. results, here are two annual lists that are nearly as essential:

The Ten Worst Corporations of 2004.

Project Censored's Top 25 Censored Media Stories.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Man Of Smut

READ A DIRTY EXCERPT FROM
60s SUPERMAN EDITOR'S NOVEL


lois_lane_073
Connoisseurs of the Superman comics edited in the '60s by Mort Weisinger find inexhaustible humor and horror in his ambivalent--even hostile--treatment of love and sex (see Hembeck). But his, er, thrust went even deeper in a 1970 novel of the beauty pageant trade, The Contest, as you'll see in this filthy excerpt (courtesy of SUPERFRANKENSTEIN operative AGENT DOUBLE-4). It starts a little slowly, then gets crazy as you wanna be:
All at once, light spilled weakly around him from behind; he whirled to find Hazel standing in the doorway he had left. She leaned against the jamb, her outlined form surrounded by an aureole, beckoning him with a forefinger. He walked her shadow, as on a dark path to her.

Her face was drawn. She seemed utterly spent. She told him softly, "There was someone outside in the yard. He was trying to look in through one of the windows. The watchman chased him, but he got away."

Roger said, "Maybe it was just a house prowl, a burglar."

"No. A burglar would avoid a lighted place."

"What do you think?"

She shook her head. "I can't think. Maybe somebody knew I was coming here. Maybe I was followed." She paused. "Or maybe you're the one being followed."

"Impossible," he said with emphasis. "Why would anyone want to spy on me?"

Reflexly he reached out to touch her, to comfort her, taking her hand. It was their first physical contact in all the time they had been together. A voluptuous current sparked across the tactile synapse, and they shivered in the power of their commitment. It transcended all thought and reason, all denial, all defenses.

He kissed her hand and put her palm to his face and pulled her to him. She yielded to his arms, to his caress of her cheeks, her temples. He took her nape and tilted her head back and they kissed tenderly, barely brushing lips, tasting each other, their tongues gently explorative. How acutely he remembered her fragrance. Their mouths were locked, sucking breath from each other. His hands traced her spine and embraced the twin moons of her hind, pressing her to him, her lissome warmth curved to his loins. Eyes closed, he swam in a sea of gold, the gold of the bay water in sunlight the first time he had seen her, the gold in the mirror where he had found her again.

He swept her up in his arms and carried her deeper into the storeroom, to a low platform heaped with coffin pads, and slowly laid her down.

"Not here, not now," she whispered, holding on to his arms.

"Yes, baby."
CONTINUED IN COMMENTS. FOR ADULT LIBERTINES ONLY. BY CLICKING ON THE COMMENTS LINK YOU CERTIFY THAT YOU ARE A MATURE, OPEN-MINDED BLUE STATE AESTHETE OVER 40.

Million Dodgeball Underbaby

baby5dodgeball

Saturday night we went to see Million Dollar Baby. I liked it until Sunday afternoon, when we watched Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Sleazy gyms; grizzled old trainers who turn loveable losers into top athletes; championship matches in Vegas; slow-motion blows to the head; they're exactly the same movie! Clint Eastwood should be ashamed.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Awwww, Cute!

schoolbus_nrelPittsburgh, PA, Jan. 22 (UPI) -- Authorities in west-central Pennsylvania are considering charges against two 11-year-old boys who allegedly tried to highjack a school bus at knifepoint.

The Rest Of The Story. I'm Paul Harvey. Good-day!

Saturday, January 22, 2005

SPONGEBOB SHOCKER:
HETERO AFTER ALL?

spongebob
The SpongeBob will turn your kids gay "controversy" is so insane that even The Hot Parts Guy is trying to disassociate himself. God's Guide To The Hot Parts, the movie review ministry that fights smut by describing it in arousing detail, sent the following e-mail to its list on Thursday, the day the story broke wide:

[Ahem: emphasis mine, and I know I'm more in love with his prose than you are, so just skim the bold parts for pure, uncut LSD-666]:

The article on our website entitled SpongeBob, Barney Promote 'Gay' Tolerance has been removed due to an error in the source.

The source claimed the We Are Family Foundation home page presented the following statement :

"We Are Family is a voice of informed straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people who have chosen to love and support our relatives and friends by working to spread truth about homosexuality."

The We Are Family Foundation website does indeed promote the We Are Family children's video which is claimed to promote diversity and tolerance but their website does NOT contain the boldly homosexual statement above. Another clearly homosexual organization which also has a website named We Are Family DOES contain the statement but I will not reveal its address. It is clear the source confused the two sites.

I have no concrete evidence whether the We Are Family video indeed does promote 'gay' tolerance. All I have is the suggestion made by the producers' use of the intensely abused and misused phrase "promote diversity and tolerance" used universally by the practitioners of homosexuality. Bbut [sic] such a suggestion is NOT enough to make the a claim of promoting 'gay' tolerance. I will be happy to conduct a CAP analysis of it if anyone can get a copy of the video to me.

For those of you who informed us of the error, thank you for letting us know about it.

Please accept my apology for our error of inadequately checking sources prior to posting an article.

In Service to His Little Ones through their Parents and Grandparents in His Name by His Word
The article he "removed" is still there (scroll down), but hey.

Oh, and if "women stripping to underwear to entice teen boys" is your thing, then run-don't-walk to Coach Carter, says the Hot Parts Guy!

PLUS:
He's added some paragraphs to his Elektra review, but it looks like none of us will live to see the finished work:
I have got to conserve resources, especially time, and end this Summary/Commentary here, in the middle of it. I am sorry.
Jesus, Hot Parts Guy, do you need to talk to someone?

E-mail me.

Let it all out.

I mean it.

I care.

Commissioner Gordon Quote Of The Week

neil_hamilton

"Once again we take our poor, cracked pitcher to the Caped Crusader's well!"





Episode 81
"The Joker's Last Laugh"

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Please, Mr. President

249_Bush_grimaceThis is it. The big day you've been dreading for so long. I know there'll be a lot of parties and a lot of booze flowing. And there's the major stress of the crowds and cameras, and of being the center of attention the whole time. But as impossible as it may seem to you now, sir, you can get through your Inauguration without alcohol. You already pulled it off once before, didn't you? Four years ago? And isn't the second time supposed to be easier? America needs you sober, Mr. President. Please.

Well... I guess I said my piece. Just remember, sir: I'll be watching.

And praying.

And drinking.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

mh_hed
Celebrity Birthdays: Guy Madison, Dolly Parton, Desi Arnaz, Jr., and Max Hamm creator Frank Cammuso. Happy Birthday, all!

STRAIGHT TO THE ALTAR

NYPfront011905Evidence mounts that NY Met Mike Piazza might be hetero. The fading catcher is the only athlete in history to hold a press conference to say he's not gay (because why should human rights matter with endorsements at stake?); he thus inspired the great Belle & Sebastian song Piazza New York Catcher.

Toon Deaf

mickey8mickey8

Bad Toon Rising...
"...is a collection of drawings of well-known cartoon characters produced by amateur artists entirely from memory and without any reference materials whatsoever. We can all picture what Mickey Mouse or the Pink Panther look like in our minds, but getting that image down on paper is another matter!"

LET 'EM EAT CRUMBS

Sachet packaging
Problem: there are billions and billions of dirt-poor people in the world, a huge potential market, but they're just not buying the iPods. So how do we get our hands on what little they have? For the past year or so, the positive thinkers at Trendwatching.com have been shouting the answer: SACHET MARKETING! Translation: sell them tiny amounts of cheap shit under your sweet brand and watch the takas and rupees roll in! But let's allow the sinister Trendwatchers to tell it in their own words:

Here's an interesting business question: if roughly two-thirds of the world's population makes USD 1,500 or less per year, why try to sell them expensive, bulky goods and services originally designed for consumers who easily make twenty times as much in North America, Western Europe or Japan?

To the rescue come innovative micro-selling methods, aimed at new consumers in developing mega-economies like China, India, The Philippines, Mexico and Brazil. It's all about serving up your products, services and loans in affordable portions. sachets or sizes, so that consumers get to know and like your brand.
The talk gets sexier when filtered through NewsRadio Singapore:
Lately things just got smaller, sleeker and more sensational. Egg-shell washing machines, Mercedes hatchbacks and mobile phones with keypads the size of your thumb. It's less about making a fashion statement than serving up products and services in smaller and lighter portions, sizes and versions. It's all about micro-selling methods or affordable sachet marketing.
[...]
“With branding everyone's trying to allow people the experience of participating and not just looking at luxury goods through ads..."
This is why, as capitalist exploiters go, a lot of us prefer the Myron Fass model (scroll down). While all he ever wanted was our money, he never tried to make it sound like he was helping anyone but himself. He treated us like we were stupid, but not that stupid.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

A Cheap Trick To Get Me To Watch TV News

CBS President Les Moonves may replace Dan Rather with multiple anchors, and won't rule out Jon Stewart!

Asked twice, Moonves wouldn't rule out a role on the evening news for Comedy Central's Jon Stewart, whose 'The Daily Show' skewers politicians and the news media each night. Moonves is co-chief executive of Viacom, which owns both CBS and Comedy Central."
Lotsa Daily Show clips here.

4-10-03-2-28-12-03-fairandbalanced-3-s

[Via]

FASS & LOOSE

Photo: Jeff Goodman

Russ Meyer, Ed Wood and Larry Flynt were Kennedy Center Honorees compared to Myron Fass, publisher of quickie exploitation magazines and classically awful comics. Fass is profiled at the vile and entertaining Bad Mags (for mature blue-state aesthetes only):

One-shot magazines were Myron’s favorites, on which he could use his “gift for mass psychology and bullshit.” The three biggest events that Myron cashed in on were the Beatles invasion, the Kennedy assassination––which he claimed to have made 4 million on––and the death of Elvis Presley.
More on his horror comics at The Dead Demons--including complete, uh, stories and a musty-smelling Cover Gallery!

ht1072

Monday, January 17, 2005

"...Even Though He Doesn't Like Cats."

rrcyell

Spring, 1980. A young Japanese man by the name of Satoru Tsuda finds an abandoned kitten at the dry cleaners next door to his home in Nagoya and takes it in, even though he doesn't like cats. He names it "Matakichi", after the dry cleaners. One day, as the kitten is playing with some doll's clothes in the house, Tsuda notices that they are the same size...
The Calvin Pelorian Pet Project.

Extra! Scratch Cat!

Are you getting any ideas, Mighty Layman?

E-BLECCH-TRA!

elektra10

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the lusty, gay-hating web ministry that lists in detail a given movie's exact smut--is reviewing Elektra! I say "is," because The Hot Parts Guy hasn't finished the review yet. He still has to type in the credits and write the commentary, but he has posted the applicable Scripture and the FINDINGS/SCORING (don't ask; go look). Here are some excerpts:
Wanton Violence/Crime (W)
• action violence, repeatedly, frequent
• theft by a child
• attempted murder, repeatedly
• death by a tree crushing

Impudence/Hate (I)
• massive tattoos
• joking about suicide

Sexual Immorality (S)
• question about intercourse
• adult in underwear
• below navel skin, repeatedly
• excessive cleavage
• lesbian kiss

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
• drinking, twice
• booze

Offense to God (O)
• unnatural rapid movement by mortals, repeatedly, often
• bodies evaporating into yellow-green gas, repeatedly
• unnatural bird's eye in human flesh
• shape-shifting, animals created and released from human tattoos, many
(Wow. God has some mighty weird boundaries.)
Murder/Suicide (M)
• blade murder
• unseen murder
• beheading murder, decapitation not seen
I'll let you know when he posts the finished review; in the meantime, check out his 940-movie archive; it's loaded with dirty laughs!

Extra! The Hot Parts Guy previously reviewed Elextra's predecessor Daredevil, and was shocked by its inappropriate touch of statue nudity (rubbing the breasts of the statue)!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Dig A Pony

baloney
Lately, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, TV critic for The Stranger, appears infatuated with a synonym for, uh, doing it, which exhaustive research suggests the man himself may have coined several years ago. It made me laugh out loud here in his review of Point Pleasant. It made me laugh out loud two columns ago in his review of Strange Love. It made me laugh out loud three columns ago in his review of Alias. I look forward to it making me laugh out loud every week in The Stranger.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

BAD ELEMENT

Jimmy_70
Thirteen kinds of Kryptonite--and other fictional chemical substances, from Vibranium to Balonium--at Wikipedia.

Update: It's now fifteen kinds. See comments.

Sorry, Internet Explorer Users

I just logged in using IE and discovered that font sizes & page layout have been a stinking mess since SUPERFRANKENSTEIN went tabloid. I figured out how to fix the problem and I'll try to stay on top of it. If you see anything that looks a) completely stupid and b) probably not deliberate, please leave a comment or send me an e-mail. Thanks.

COPS PINNED

pep-dicktracypep-patpatten
...along with Superman, Popeye and dozens of other characters at Mark Landsdown's terrific Comic Character Pinbacks.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Light-Fingered Lichtenstein

CRYING-1Left: the original comic book panel; right: the Roy Lichtenstein piece. Many similar examples at DECONSTRUCTING ROY LICHTENSTEIN.
[Via Papel Continuo]

Pentagon Eggheads' Nasty Scheme:
SEX BOMB

Pentagon reveals rejected chemical weapons:

THE Pentagon considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal.

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.
[Via]

God's Guide To The Hot Parts:
SHITE NOISE
'Radio On/Off Activity' Offends Lord

photo/movie_pix/universal_pictures/white_noise/michael_keaton/white6-th3.jpg
God's Guide To The Hot Parts--the Christian movie review site that tells us whether a given nudity warning means full-frontal Naomi Watts or just some old guy's butt--has posted the first Hot Parts Review of 2005. Looks like there's plenty wrong with White Noise:

Sexual Immorality (S)
• mother in revealing night wear before stepson wiht [sic] father's approval
• adult in underwear, repeatedly with light making out
• camera angle to force viewer on private parts

Drugs/Alcohol (D):
• drinking
• giving prescription drug to whom it is not prescribed to sedate

Offense to God (O)
• text denying God's Word about eternal life
• unexplained radio on/off activity, repeatedly
• divorce aftermath
• phone call from dead woman, repeatedly
It's great to have The Hot Parts Guy back, isn't it? If he didn't exist, we'd be paying good money for movies full of lame smut that doesn't turn us on (like White Noise, apparently).

My Chemical Romance

Entering 14th day without smoking... I'm cranky and unable to concentrate on anything. I want to light a cigarette just so I can put it out on my arm. After 2 wks. cold turkey I'm breaking down and chewing a piece of nicotine gum... and suddenly everything is beautiful in its own way!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

SPAM REPLACES ART

Warhol_SpamWarhol_Spam
From a spam poetry blog, The Works Of Albert Spamus:
Miserable Colleagues

A late sight
shows that 72 percent of girls are unsatisfied
with their intimate better halfs.
Of course most of these ladies would never recite
their colleague that they are
miserable.
[Via] Also...
Using a complex arrangement of pipes and funnels we turn the junk mail that we receive into a streaming audio broadcast that can be enjoyed from anywhere on the Internet.
...the surprisingly listenable Spamradio!

Update: Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

BAT-TIME FLIES

duo_17

ROBIN: Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!

BATMAN: I wasn't scared in the least.

ROBIN: Not at all?

BATMAN: Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?

ROBIN: Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!

BATMAN: I like to think it's because our hearts are pure.
The greatest achievement in the history of filmed entertainment turns 39 today. ABC broadcast "Hi Diddle Riddle," the premiere episode, on January 12, 1966.

movie_044
Bat-Quotes
The Best-Looking Bat-Fan Site (Where I got these great Bat-Pix!)
This Informative Bat-Site
Bat-Episode Guide
Fab Argentine Bat-Site
The '66 Batmobile
Batman Trap Page
The poor, deluded Siamese Human Knot Site
How To Batusi
Bat-Images
Bat-Links
Newly added: Bat Climbs! Bat Details! McSweeneys Analysis Of The Batman Theme! AND MORE BAT-LINKS!!!

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