Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Inside The White House


President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.
Someone claiming to be a White House insider has posted a treasury of utterly believable secret gossip at Something Awful. Brief excerpts:
Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man.
Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.
Everyone loves how Condi smells and we do anything we can to sniff her while she isn't looking. If I knew what perfume she wears, I would simply soak a sock in it and writhe in orgasmic excstacy without having to stalk her everywhere she goes. After she shook hands with Putin, he sniffed his hand again and again. Her aroma is heavenly and legendary throughout the world.
Rumsfeld wanted to implant all of the lower level staff with radio chips. This did not go over so well.
I've got nothing on Laura.
Summary at Daily Kos

Via Metafilter


Hoosier X said...

You liberals are so hateful!

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Don't you know it's only OK to make fun of the private lives of Democrats?

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

(Just trying to help, Spice! How did I do? Pretty good, huh! Betcha most of the guys thought it was you for a minute!)

mary matalin gisher said...

this is too funny.

spysmasher said...

Dear Hoser X,

Instead of replacing your obsessive and fanatical Bush hatred with obsessive and fanatical hatred of me, I have a suggestion. Get a life. Just a suggestion.

spysmasher said...


SF, you missed this other bits of "NEWS" from the same site--

"The Cabinet actually all sleep in cabinets at home. They have large pullout beds in the cabinets and they sleep stacked on top of each other in their respective cabinets that are labeled on the outside with a sticky note."

Superfrankenstein said...


Same site, different poster. Doesn't count.

spysmasher said...

It was a joke. Or a sarcastic remark. That's why I put news in quotes. Never mind.

Superfrankenstein said...

I pronounce it the jape of the season.

El Duque said...


Didn't you used to wear iced underwear back when you had that little touch of ghon-ghon?

Rumsfeld's need likely results from his many trips to Asia.

Or maybe Wisconsin.

Superfrankenstein said...


Good memory. I did and still do.

Once I donned the frigid skivvies, I could never go back.

Hoosier X said...


I think we should lay off Spice.

I always just assumed he was some mean liberal, pretending to be a really dumb conservative - because nobody could be THAT clueless - so I just went along with the gag.

But now I think Spice is for real, a very scary thought. We really need to start showing the scary conservatives a healthy respect that they have never shown to us. They are armed and dangerous and about to go postal in their growing desperation and frustration.

So, we should start observing political correctness for conservatives when it suits them and treat them special because they can't handle a little ribbing.

See, Spice, we're not so bad. We're looking out for you.

Jersey Shore said...

And I think we should stop making fun of President Dunderh- oops! Sorry! Bush. He can't help it! He's only the President!

Don't forget he was elected by an overwhelming landslide by the people of - WHOA! Pardon me!

And, don't forget that after 9/11, he tracked down and brought to justice Osama Bin - HUH? Sorry about that!

Well, please remember that after finding in Iraq a whole cache of Weapons of Mass - Oops! My mistake, there!

Ahem! After he invaded Iraq, turned it into a secular democracy, and established domestic tranquility there, he immediately withdrew all our tr-
OOPS again!

You think it's easy to run this country? Why, it's harder than running down an oil company!

You think it's easy to blow a $70 billion surplus? Why, it's harder than - than - choking on a pretzel!

So, a little respect for our commander-in-chief, if you please!

spysmasher said...

I don't know why you people object to me so much. Why, I have just been awarded the coveted "SF jape of the season" award for my wit! Can any of YOU say the same?

The Retropolitan said...

You know who else smelled really nice? Snuggles, the fabric softener bear.

And Richard Nixon.

Hoosier X said...

We don't object to you, Spice! We think you're hilarious! I'm not sure which is funnier: the idea that you are for real, or the idea that you are just pretending to be so humorously delusional and we have fallen for it.

Either way:

Good job! Keep those non-sequitors coming!

Spysmasher said...



Hi, my name is Hoser X! I have nothing better to do than pretend to be a co-host of someone else's web site! By the way, I think Bush is Hitler! But who doesn't? Gotta go now. Time to write another 5,000 word anti-Bush screed that no one will read. Well, someone's got to do it!

Luv, Hoser X

spysmasher said...

(Let me save you the trouble.)

Hoser X wrote: "Hi, I'm Spysmasher I'm a right wing nut etc. etc. etc. bla bla bla"

jc said...

Please, all of you, stop bickering.

I suffered on the cross so that you would live in peace.

Superfrankenstein said...

Welcome, jc. Honored to have you.

Tell you what: if you leave comments here regularly, I'll take spysmasher's picture down and put yours up.

jc said...

Bless you, my son.

Bless all of you.

If you'll excuse me, though, I'm going out for a walk.

Jersey Shore said...

jc said...

"If you'll excuse me, though, I'm going out for a walk."

On water, no doubt.

Hoosier X said...

Wow! So jc is one of those America-hating, Bush-bashing liberals!

Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify -

Oh, wait.

posted by spysmasher said...

Perhaps the most dubious cliche in American history is the one intoned over and again after terrorists killed 3,000 Americans on September 11, 2001. That was the cliche that claimed that now "America has changed forever."

Well, forever lasted about two years, maybe three. Then American solidarity in the war against terror began to fissure, and, by the way, the president's favorable ratings began to sink.

Now in the press the war effort is assuming the vague dimensions of monstrosities of yesteryear: Watergate, Iran-Contra, both being cautionary tales from which liberals hope Americans will learn to be better people. The time has come, they tell us, to hand this war over to the experts, for instance, Senator John Kerry, who might well have become president last time around if it were not for a treacherous cabal of Vietnam veterans who, the Senator believes, lied about his heroic service in Vietnam. If Senator Kerry is not to your liking, there is also Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, whose service during the Vietnam War was very much like Senator Kerry's once he returned from Vietnam. No, America has not changed forever. Certainly American liberals have not changed.

Read the liberal press. Increasingly it reads like the press of what during the Cold War was called a "nonaligned nation." Increasingly it appears that the American press "is not taking sides" in this war, this Republican war. Over the weekend it was reported that the Bush administration has been laying plans to bomb Iran's nuclear facilities. On Monday the Washington Post reported that "The U.S. military is conducting a propaganda campaign to magnify the role of the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq." The Post knows this because its reporters laid hands on "internal military documents." So now those documents and the controversy within the military surrounding them are known to the public, the world public. Both news stories are out there for our enemies to make use of.

I read the second story en route to a place called Blackwater, USA. It is a facility in North Carolina where a private company trains security personnel for the world we were all made aware of on 9/11. Frankly I did not find it a happy visit. There is not much romance in this war on terror. For a few hours I watched special ops troops and police train in firearms, close-quarters battle, tactical driving, and other dangerous operations. There were mockups for training for urban warfare and for recapturing pirated ships and hijacked airplanes. I saw heavily armed men train to protect dignitaries from being ambushed. The place abounded with grim soldiers and retired soldiers training for dangerous missions against gruesome foes. Blackwater is a vast and impressive privately owned facility that is profitable only because there are hundreds of thousands of brutes around the globe who want to kill civilized people. Truth be known, the world has changed forever even if the American press has not.

In 1942, when all Americans recognized that we were at war, the press was more disciplined. Of course, President Franklin Roosevelt encouraged this discipline with such instruments as the Office of Censorship, authorized under the War Powers Act. Codes of reportage were established, and news organizations submitted thousands of stories to the censors. Some of the self-censorship appears preposterous today. On Palm Sunday of 1942 a blizzard dumped more than two feet of snow on the east coast. Neither the New York Times nor any of the Washington newspapers reported the mess that had blanketed their cities. You would not want the Nazis to know.

Yet now our enemies know about our propaganda in Iraq and plans being made for bombing Iran. During World War II the Times science writer, William Laurence, got word of our progress on developing an atomic bomb. He was warned by the Manhattan Project's General Leslie Groves not to publish his knowledge. Legend has it that Groves told Laurence he knew too much already and "I shall have to hire you or kill you." With the agreement of Times editors Laurence disappeared into the Manhattan Project, reappearing on the bomber that leveled Nagasaki. After that he wrote a series of articles on the development of the bomb for his newspaper and won the 1946 Pulitzer Prize.

America is at war, and it is not just the Republicans' war.

(R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.)

Hoosier X said...

I think the North Vietnamese had a clue that the U.S. wanted out of Southeast Asia before John Kerry ever got involved with the anti-war movement. I think they figured it out when Nixon started to negotiate for peace talks as soon as he became president.

I'm not sure why the conservatives always forget to mention that when they attack John Kerry. I'm sure their intentions are good. They just don't know their history very well. (If they did, they wouldn't be conservatives.)

As for the rest of it ... well, I'm not going to speak for any other "liberals," but I will say that I would support any War on Terror that was actually fighting terrorism.

I think terrorism is bad because it kills innocent people for very narrow political reasons. And our war on Iraq is different because ...?

I also think 2300 dead American soldiers in Iraq is too many. Some people think there should be more. How many more will be enough? 3000? 5000? 10,000? 58,000?

How many will more will have to die before these people are happy?

Support the troops. Either go and help or bring them home.

Hoosier X said...

I wrote this myself, by the way.

(Are we allowed to do that?)

spysmasher said...


(1) All wars = Vietnam

(2) Iraq = Vietnam

(3) Disagreement = "You don't know history"

(4) All-volunteer army = Same as draft

(5) Arrogance = Way of life

Hoosier X said...

Just answer the question, Spice.

How many dead Americans is enough for you?

Is no number too high as long as you're not one of them?

spysmasher said...

OK here's my answer: It's a shame even ONE of our soldiers has to die in Iraq!

Aren't we lucky to have an ALL VOLUNTEER ARMY willing to risk their lives to do what they are doing?

You are aware of that, aren't you? No one is asking either you or I to join. It's ALL volunteer. Do you understand this concept?

Our military people in Iraq are re-enlisting in record numbers right now. Shockingly, they do not consult YOU when deciding to reenlist! Nor do they count bodies of their fallen comrades and say "Too many! Freedom just isn't worth it." Instead, they decide to risk their lives for a cause they believe in. Yes, THEY DO believe in it, even if you don't. Shocking, isn't it? Someone can actually have an opinion that differs from yours!

So, while you focus on ways to bash Bush, they fight for what they believe. I pray no US soldier in combat in Iraq ever sees this disgraceful web site, or reads your constant stream of negative and mocking comments. They would hardly be well received.

Hoosier X said...

It'a an all-volunteer army?

Wow! I didn't know that! I thought they rounded up everybody who supported the war and made them go and fight the war they wanted so badly.

The real shame is that the dedication and bravery of America's young men is being squandered on conservative delusions. And it's very sad that conservatives have to shout "traitor" and "pro-terrorist" at everyone who disagrees with them.

Your turn, Spice. Repeat that witty line that I should get a life, presumably by rooting for more dead Americans.

spysmasher said...

Hoser X said, "The real shame is that the dedication and bravery of America's young men is being squandered on conservative delusions."


Here's the liberal world view on naked display: Hoser X thinks soldiers now fighting in Iraq who support the war are "deluded," and cannot possibly believe as they do for good reasons.

Instead, Hoser X, who has never even BEEN to Iraq, will sit in the safety these soldiers provide, thousands of miles away, and pronounce all 100,000+ of them "deluded."

Why? In his view, they HAVE to be deluded! After all, they disagree with Hoser X, so they MUST be deluded! So what if they're renlisting in record numbers? If Hoser X says they are deluded -- these thousands of fine men and women who are risking all for our freedom -- they damn it, they MUST be deluded!

Sorry, but I'll trust the opinions of those on the scene, those doing the fighting. The ill-informed whining of liberals such as Hoser X is just that -- ill-informed whining.

spysmasher/Strategy page said...

In the last six months, the U.S. Army is seeing 15 percent more soldiers re-enlist than expected. This continues a trend that began in 2001. Every year since then, the rate at which existing soldiers have re-enlisted has increased. This despite the fact that 69 percent of the troops killed in Iraq have been from the army. New recruits continue to exceed join up at higher rates as well.

All this is extremely important, especially when there is a war going on. Experience saves lives in combat, and more of the most experienced troops are staying in. This means that, a decade from now, the army will have a large and experienced corps of senior NCOs. That, in turn, means the younger troops are likely to well trained and led.

The army makes a big thing, internally, about the number of troops re-enlisting, especially within combat units that are in Iraq or Afghanistan. Pictures of mass re-enlistments are published in military media, but the civilian media has generally ignored this phenomena. Also ignored, except by some local media interviewing locals who are in the army, is the positive attitude of the troops, especially those in combat units.

The large number of re-enlistments occur because the troops believe they are making a difference, and winning. This is especially true for soldiers who have come back to Iraq on a second tour, and noted the improvements since the first tour.