Inside The White House

President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.

Someone claiming to be a White House insider has posted a treasury of utterly believable secret gossip at Something Awful. Brief excerpts:

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man.

Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits.

Everyone loves how Condi smells and we do anything we can to sniff her while she isn't looking. If I knew what perfume she wears, I would simply soak a sock in it and writhe in orgasmic excstacy without having to stalk her everywhere she goes. After she shook hands with Putin, he sniffed his hand again and again. Her aroma is heavenly and legendary throughout the world.

Rumsfeld wanted to implant all of the lower level staff with radio chips. This did not go over so well.

I've got nothing on Laura.

Summary at Daily Kos

Via Metafilter