Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Crackin' On Coulter's Crack In Cracked


"I'm bombing the Times!"

"Invade my body! Kill my leaders! Convert me to Christianity!"

"Fill me up, like the 9/11 victims did to their harpy witch widows!"
From a piece by Seely and me in Cracked #1, now on sale!
Ann Coulter Cracked Magazine Hart Seely


el duque said...


You think you're big, don't you.

Well, Ann Coulter can have any man she wants. Everybody knows that all she has to do is point to him, snap her fingers and nod toward the exit. Do you have that power over women? I don't think so.

And what do you scream during sex?

"Up, up and awaaaaaaaaay!"?

"Yes, Commissioner. Yes, yes, yes!"?

"It's clobberin' time!"?

Look within yourself, Superfrankenstein. But do not point to any women and snap your fingers, or they will end up broken.

Superfrankenstein said...

What do you scream, el duque?

"It is high it is far it is gone!"?

Jersey Shore said...

You forgot:

"To the rear, march!"

Just joking.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

el duque said...


I don't scream during sex.

I prefer to whistle a tune. My favorite is the theme from "The Andy Griffith Show." I find that the music relaxes my sexual partners. Occasionally, at the point of orgasm, I will do a Barney Fife imitation and yell, "NIP IT, NIP IT, NIP IT IN THE BUD."

Cole Moore Odell said...

Barney Fife, Barney Fife
Had a gun and couldn't cock it
Had one bullet for his pistol
Had to keep it in his pocket

el duque said...

That's pretty sexual. I may have to incorporate it into my foreplay rituals.

Cole Moore Odell said...

Andy sung this to Barney once at the police station, to the tune of My Darling Clementine. Barney was writing a tribute to his own bravery, and Andy snuck up behind him and deflated his phony bravado. Also, I got the lyrics wrong. Here they are (thanks, internets!):

Barney: In a jailhouse / down in dixie / fighting crime and risking lives / live a sheriff / and his buddy pistol packing Barney Fife. Oh my daring / oh my daring / oh my daring Barney Fife / He's a deadly crime stopper / what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there / came a ridin' / two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky / a deadeye dickie / now they're locked up in the tank...

Andy Taylor: ...Oh my Barney / Oh my Barney / had a jail but couldn't lock it / had one bullet for his pistol / had to keep it in his pocket

jim treacher said...

"And what do you scream during sex?"

"Thwipp! Thwipp thwipp!!" (Personally, I don't scream during sex; I try to be as quiet as possible so as not to tip off the Boulder Police.)

Congrats on the Cracked contribution!

spysmasher said...

Superfrankenstein screams during sex...

"Finding ANY pretext to bash Bush gives me an orgasm!"

"Did you say we LOST in Iraq? Multiple Orgasm!!!!"

"America hated worldwide? We SHOULD be!! Double multiple orgasm!!!!"

"Something may interfere with my unlimited self-absorption and obsession with hating Bush? Now THAT is SERIOUS!!!! No orgasm!!!"